Dying Family member...How to Help

I have a friend who seems to just know how to be helpful. When she visits someone who is facing an emergency or who is dealing with an illness, along with bringing a meal or arriving to visit, she takes a look around the house. She carries a small tote bag with disinfectant wipes, a fresh roll of paper towels, a couple of new boxes of tissues, a couple of rolls of toilet paper, and some basic cleaning supplies and some latex gloves (if illness is involved, for sanitary reasons). She just quietly tends to cleaning a toilet, replacing empty paper supplies (or ones that are down to their last paper towel or square of toilet paper), wipes the mirrors, and uses a disinfectant wipe to clean a couple of counters and appliances. She doesn't get out mops and buckets of water, or cordon off whole areas, or wax floors, she just quietly and unobtrusively replenishes paper products and wipes some surfaces and doorknobs and uses a duster. So many cleaning products are now available in a packet so you don't need buckets (like the products they make for camping trips or travel). Those little chores often get overlooked, or they just can't be tended to when so many other things seem so crucial. But a clean toilet, and a full box of tissues and a full roll of paper towels and toilet paper, a clean kitchen counter, little things like that, can mean so much and take just a few minutes.

Do they have someone working with the funeral home? Filling out the paperwork, making decisions? Finding out the options?

I know that sounds morbid, but it has to be done. Writing an obituary is so hard, but so much easier than after a family member dies. It needs to be turned in so that a death certificate can be ordered, notice for the funeral or memorial service can be put in the paper, etc.

I don't know how close to the family you are, but if you are close, this is something you can do for them if they haven't done it yet, and it would help.

You just have to think of what your own family needs. You pay bills, you go to the grocery store, take out trash, cook, clean, fill the car will gas, wash the car, yardwork, visit, smile, & laugh.

Collect memories & write them down. If the dying person is lucid, write a note NOW about what this person means to you and what memories you will cherish. Perhaps some of those things can be shared with whoever will do the eulogy. Some families put together a photo board or a computer video montage of photos to have available at either the funeral home or the family home afterwards (wherever there are calling hours).

Food - in labeled containers with contents (especially if there are allergies to nuts, gluten, dairy, etc.) and with heating instructions. If they are dropping in to take shifts or bring kids to say goodbye, sometimes a small "snack" for kids or the 2-3 people who are hungry is much easier to deal with than a massive lasagna for 20. Use disposable/recyclable containers so nothing has to be returned to you, or even washed. Restaurant gift cards for places that deliver are also very appreciated and can be used on nights when there isn't a prepared meal or when someone's in the mood for something else.

Basic household chores are always needed - cleaning, straightening, doing dishes, laundry, yard work, trash & recycling out, etc.

One thing a lot of families don't think of is arranging for a house sitter during the calling hours, funeral and cemetery burial. A lot of thieves read the obituaries and target homes when they know no one will be there. See if there is a neighbor who isn't close enough to the family to attend the funeral, or perhaps a friend of yours from your neighborhood, who could be trusted to safeguard the house.

There's often a lot of help during these final days and during the first week or so after the death. Then people go back to their regular lives, and the loneliness and workload really set in for the family. They still may not be up to all the cooking and cleaning, and then there are so many other decisions & chores: disposing of clothing and household items that aren't wanted by relatives, holding a yard or estate sale, getting a house ready for sale, etc. So, depending on the family's needs, finding charities that will take items and then arranging to help box them up, is a huge help. There are charities that will pick up (a big convenience) but they often have restrictions about what they accept. That's a huge undertaking for a family already in mourning, dealing with insurance and social security and pension issues, and so on. Don't be afraid to hold back a little bit now, when lots of people are stepping up to help, and save your efforts for later when the donations and visits drop off.

i think many of us go in with great intentions and say 'what do you need?' but the family is overwhelmed and can't respond to that well. it's better to go in with a good idea of what you CAN offer, and offer that.
'i can make dinners mon, wed and fri, take care of the laundry on the weekend and clean your bathroom then too. unfortunately i won't be able to go grocery shopping or take the kids to their doctor appointments. is there someone else handy to do those for you, or should i network and set something up?'
bless you for being there for them.
khairete
S.

Errands are a big one.

If you said "what needs doing?" and tell them how much time/what you're prepared to do - that would be a big help.

We had a lady who used to do the library run. Another who gardened (just weeded). One lady came by with trays of sweets so my mom didn't have to bake (because so many visitors).

Visitors are great - gives the caregivers a chance to recharge and take care of themselves.

Food ... always great.

My family found it easier (we had a lady organize this for us) to have one person do one thing - so one person stopped by and got a little grocery list mid week, one person did the garden, etc. One was our errand person - whether it be go to post office to pick up a parcel, or do dry-cleaning. It just simplified things.

Even once a week was great.

I think it's wonderful you're showing your support :) Sorry to hear though that your family member has cancer .. I'm sure you being involved will really brighten their spirits.

Food.. Lots of food.. Just lost my father, for a week he was in the hospital but everyone knew what was coming & everyone in my family through out that whole week sent food.. We spent most of our time at the hospital with him even though he couldn't talk so no one went shopping or was thinking about cooking .. It doesn't seem like much but believe me it was much appreciated I know u said people are making dinner but what about desserts or snacks? And everyone I know offered to watch my daughter whenever I needed so I could spend time at the hospital that was definitely appreciated too. Just keep in touch.. A quick phone call everyday to see how everyone is holding up means a lot more during a time like this than u would think. There were people who didn't call at all and I remeber that, but what I remember more is the people who would call twice a day just to check in.