Do You Think This Is Unreasonable?

Take him back to court and have his wages garnished for your alimony. File for contempt of court on that one...they'll garnish. He ought to pay more; he makes more. You should NOT work nights and let him watch the children.

I'm sorry you are going through this and that with such young children, you couldn't work it out. My honest, HONEST advice would be to try to work it out...seek out the advice of a respected church leader, etc, and do some marriage counseling, whatever you have to do.

If you can't do that, then yes, you do have to get a job...I"m so sorry you're in this situation.

No, you're not being unreasonable in asking him to provide 2/3 of day care. However, you already know that he's not going to agree or if he does he'll not pay it. So....stop trying to get him to say OK. You're only adding more pressure for yourself and increasing your stress.

Don't expect him to agree but ask anyway and you might be surprised. What I'm saying is to expect that he won't agree so that you're not upset when he doesn't.

He's being unreasonable when he asks you to get a night and weekend job. In today's world we don't get to be that picky. You need a job, any job.

Or, it might be best for you to get state assistance until the baby starts school. So that you don't have child care expenses. It's not ideal but we do what we have to do. You can get child care and financial assistance as well as food stamps while going to school. You can get scholarships and grants to pay for schooling.

Definitely go back to court to let the judge know he's not paying alimony. He can be declared in contempt and be forced to pay. The state can take the amount out of his pay check. I don't understand why it's not already being taken out of his check. In Oregon, anyway, that's standard.

It's good to try to make a plan together but your divorce is new and it often takes time to heal before the couple can work together. I suggest you not rely on him for your plan. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you have to step up and act on plans that you alone have made to reach it. Good if he co-operates but from his past performance you know he won't. You will eventually feel better once you accept that he's not going to help and you find ways to take care of yourself and your family without him.

Ask that all support be taken out of his pay check. This is the safest way to document what you get and don't get. Now, he can say, he's given it to you and you will have a difficult time proving that he didn't. And you'll get the money on time. No hassles. Get paid thru the state.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable by expecting him to pay 2/3 of child care.

You BOTH made the kids and now that you are divorcing you BOTH need to equally care for and support the kids.

~I personally think ALL childcare expenses should always be a 50/50 split between BOTH parents and that it is unfair to go off what each person makes...how fair is it that because one person works harder that they should have to pay more? To me, that is just not right. It is like saying the more responsible parent gets penalized for being responsible while the slacker parent gets off paying less b/c they 'can't afford it'??!! If this idea bothers you try looking at it from a different point of view...if the tables were turned NOT ONE SINGLE mother on here would be OK with the 'Father/Ex husband' paying less (or only 1/3 of expenses) because he doesn't have enough money or a good paying job!!!??

*For the record, I also think it is not cool (and actually ironic) that you are on here talking about him paying more or him not paying you enough (alimony) when you don't have a job and are paying nothing! You made those babies too...and are just as responsible for their expenses...but that is just my opinion and you can feel free to dismiss it and move on to those responses that you are looking for and that agree with your logic.

I actually think it is fair that you pay half. You need to look at it as the court does or you are paying lawyers to fight for nothing. You make 20,000 but he is paying 6,000 a year in child support. That is to support your children's expenses like childcare, food, clothes, not your expenses. So after that shift in income you are making 26,000 a year and he is making 34,000 plus you are making that 6,000 tax free and he is paying the taxes on it. This makes your income's almost equal. Normally the court does not make them equal. If there is court ordered spousal support you are probably making more than him in the long run.

He is right that you two need to figure out ways to minimize your child care expenses and maximize income.

It is very easy to look at the equations from your side and not look at the true picture. I know I have done it in the past. The fact is you just don't end up with the same lifestyle.

I see from your what happened your attitude towards work hasn't changed. You do realize you are speaking to women who were stay at home moms a lot longer than you, for me 18 years. I went back to school so I could make good money, as such I didn't see any of my kids for four years except when we were doing homework together. Please don't take this the wrong way but what makes you think you are special and shouldn't work for your children?

Well, most any judge I have met will say "Get a better paying job." So, logically sure you may be right, however most judges will agree with a 50/50 and that it is your responsibility to earn more money to make ends meet. You are ending a relationship knowing your financial stability is ALL on you - it is your responsibility to care for yourself and your children.

Ok...I am NOT AT ALL trying to be harsh, but lets weigh the Divorce option. Living in the current condition, you get to stay home, not work, spend time with the kids. Divorcing means you won't.

And is HE asking for ya'll to go to counseling? Cause if he is, wouldn't the alternative option be a worse choice than reconcilliation or counseling to better communicate?

Here's what I think: He is only obligated for half of any expense. Now would it behoove him to man up and pay for the care and support of his children SURE. But this is divorce after all and it's not a party to go through.

I would inquire with your attorney general or some other agency that would handle getting preliminary child support taken out of his check along with child support. I'd also check on any aid you can get as well in order to suppliment child care and living expenses.

And I'm curious as to why you have capped your potential earinings at $20K. But I digress...

Right now, in the middle of a divorce, it's hard to be diplomatic and clear headed. Move out of the house, take the $500. Its more than allot of people get. Go to court or get an atty who will make him pay for the fees for the alimony and be grateful for it (I come from a state that doesn't allow for that), ASK him for 2/3 of the day care but don't expect it and if the divorce isn't final, ask for it in the decree and see if you can't get it court ordered if not LET IT GO and LOVE YOUR KIDS.

Divorce SUCKS. As it should...

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Get career counseling and get a job pronto. Or go to school and work part time, you can also have the benefit of grants and student loans. You likely qualify for childcare benefits through the state as well. If you need to work nights and weekends then make it happen until you can find something stable. You need to have the court enforce alimony payments. As for childcare costs, that depends on the state and how they split it.

You are in AZ and there is a child support calculator online. You fill in all the facts and it calculates it for you. Honestly, it doesn't matter what we think is "unreasonable". We don't know all the details and facts so we can't make that call. I also know in AZ that its mandatory child support comes out of his check automatically and is deposited into your bank account. Call or go in to your county courthouse and see what steps you need to call to get details. They won't give you "legal" advice but will tell you how the child support and allimony is paid. Good luck.

Updated

You are in AZ and there is a child support calculator online. You fill in all the facts and it calculates it for you. Honestly, it doesn't matter what we think is "unreasonable". We don't know all the details and facts so we can't make that call. I also know in AZ that its mandatory child support comes out of his check automatically and is deposited into your bank account. Call or go in to your county courthouse and see what steps you need to call to get details. They won't give you "legal" advice but will tell you how the child support and allimony is paid. Good luck.

These are the kinds of things you really, really need a lawyer for. Your husband can request anything he likes, but so can you. Request that his wages be garnished for alimony and child support. But the court figures out what's fair when it comes to custody and money issues.

If what you're asking is if it's all right to make sure that you only work a certain number of small hours and have your soon-to-be-former husband continue to pay as if you were married in order for you to remain a SAHM, I'll be honest. Divorce takes being a SAHM off the table unless you have another means of support separate from him. You may be unhappy working more hours in a job you don't want, but that's life and it's not your soon-to-be-former husband's job to keep you in the lifestyle you're used to.

You can get at least some of your child care paid for by the state, all you have to do is go apply. Families in my child care where each parent made over $10 per hour only had co-pays of about $200 per month. All you can do is file the paperwork and ask.

I think it would be worth it to not have to worry about it all the time. Plus, no matter what the court papers say you would still owe the bill regardless. If he chose to not pay you would be out that money, they would sue you for it since you were the one bringing the kids in. It is your bill, they would not care about court orders. If a child comes to child care and their bill has not been paid they do not get to stay, so you would have to pay it yourself and then get reimbursed. That is the only way that would work. So, if you don't constantly want to be harassing him for money pay for child care yourself. It is not their job to get him to pay, it is your child care. If he does reimburse you that is wonderful but it is the best way. You won't be constantly looking for new child care due to lack of payment. You will quickly get a reputation for using a facility and not paying. Then no one would even take the kids without being paid first. You don't want that.

I have seen that so many times. It is not the child care facilities job to chase down payment, it is your responsibility to pay it on time. Then get him to pay what you can, which looks like it would be very little.

The best thing you can do in this instance is get child care assistance to pay the child care, then you can pay the co-pay and have continuous child care the kids are happy in.

As for the rest, more and more agreements are going for the hubby. He should be doing what is right, sounds like he is not going to do it. Keep taking him to court.

Here it is usually based on each income. So you are each paying a percentage of your pay. There is no way they would make you pay half.

I don't know how it's worked for anyone else in these situations but in mine, the court looked at the combined income (mine & his) then determined what percentage each was to equal the total income (i.e. total income 62K/year, mine 19K (31%), his 43K (69%)), they then based the support on that. So I was responsible for 31% of her support, he was responsible for 69%. So if her expenses came out to 9K/year, he paid $6,242 in the form of monthly child support and I paid $2,758 through the year for whatever came up. Her expenses were things like daycare, medical insurance, estimated school expenses, things like that. Only legal things that the court deemed acceptable.

In my area, there are a number of resources out there for single/low income mothers, section 8 housing, daycare assistance, and food stamps are some that I think are great for women in your situation who need help getting out on their own but needing help with the intitial getting up on their feet. Daycare assistance is provided to ANY approved facility, not just the cheap ones, or the home run ones. You might check with yout local offices and see what you have available in your area.

You need to let the courts decide.
Hopefully you have a lawyer advocating for you.

He SHOULD want the money going through the courts--it's proof for him that he paid (no matter what you say) and it's peace of mind for you that you WILL get the money every month.

What is your lawyer doing about this? Have you consulted him or her? Does your husband want RECONCILIATION counseling? In other words - is he trying to get back with you?

As to costs....50/50 is right...in the courts eyes. It might not be fair..but that's what the courts deem "right".

What you may need to do is accept food stamps and other forms of income while you get your feet on the ground...there are child care programs as well that will supplement your child care costs so that you can work.

I would look into grant programs to help you get educated so you can make more than $20K a year and support yourself and your children...if your husband is attempting reconciliation? still get educated so you can make a living for yourself.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Where is your lawyer in this?

Yes, pay half on child support -- after you have gone after him legally (and immediately!) to force him to pay the alimony he is legally REQUIRED to pay to you. That would help you pay your half of the child care costs -- why isn't it part of your money equation to have that alimony in your pocket? If he was ordered by a court to pay it and is not doing so, he is in legal trouble already, and you must, for your kids' sake, pursue that money right now. If the child support is not enough (and $500 sounds low for three kids) then go after him for more child support AS WELL AS the alimony.. And get your back alimony that he hasn't been paying.

I'm not sure why your focus is on whether to pay half of the child care yourself, when your focus needs to be on getting him to do what he is already legally obligated to do. He is violating a court order. So get attorneys and the court involved.

His attempt to force you into "conciliation counseling" sounds like a ploy just to delay your going after him for back and current alimony payments and more child support. Don't let him snow you, or the judge, with talk of conciliation if the marriage is truly over; don't let him use counseling as a way to delay your pursuing the money you are legally owed by him. Then the child care question will be less painful because you will have more money coming in -- your alimony and full child support money.

Please don't worry about whether or not it's "silly" to ask. Just get your lawyer to work on this on your behalf. The fact that your husband isn't paying you right now shows that he doesn't care whether his kids are provided for. You need to stop worrying about whether what you need is "silly".

Yes, the judge will decide. But get your lawyer to advocate for you!

By the way, your SWH was spot on - you are NOT lazy. It's not easy to walk out of a 4 year hiatus after staying home with kids and get a job, especially one that pays enough to pay childcare. Anyone who says otherwise has never done it and is just "preaching" without knowing what they are talking about.

I'm sorry about the foreclosure - I'm sure your husband doesn't care about that either.

Dawn

I don't think it's unreasonable given your current situation, but I do think you need to make it a priority to change your situation so you can get a better paying job. Take some classes and do what it takes. Part of being a good parent is financially supporting your children. When you were married, you may have split the duties so that your ex was the financial support, but now you must be both a financial support in addition to all of your other mothering duties. Your children are pretty young. Think long term and get the skills you need for a decent job even if it takes some sacrifices.

In the meantime, I think Krista's idea about working in a daycare is a good one.