Dividing Time Between Families

OK I no exactly how you feel!! 8 yrs ago we moved to Tx from Wi. We were going back home every yr for the first 5 yrs. My family lived in IL. and hubbies in WI and MN. We there for a wk and ALWAYS on the go. I was so tireing that we needed a vacation after the vacation. We tryed to have everyone meet at one place so we seen everyone in one day. But that didn't work out for one reason or another. We stayed with 1 family member most of the time because it was easier than bring a suitcase everywhere. This last time (in Feb.) was the first time we were home in 2 yrs and we decided to stay in a hotel.It was the best decition that we made in 8 yrs. Because we didn't feel like we were putting anyone out if we wanted to go to sleep or stay up late and we had are pirvacy. Plus my hubsand and I tell them the road goes both ways!! If they want to see us they can are house is here and that is what Map Quest was made for. My parents have come 2 X's and his mom 4 and dad 2x's in the 8 yrs. So if everyone is on you for NOT coming home that much tell them the road goes both ways.

I live in NC and my family is in OH, and what we do is plan a trip to a point between the two states. I usually find the cabins or condos and let everyone know how much it will be per family and let them decide if they want to come. That way, we get to see each other in one central location, we get to have a "vacation" (sightseeing, fun activities, relax by the pool, etc.) and we aren't obligated to anyone.

I know exactly what you are going through. Both my husband's family (and extended family) and mine live in Cincinnati. We moved away 10 years ago, but go back at least once a year. It got to the point that we were coming home from "vacation" sick because we were doing way too much. We felt bad saying "no" to anyone. My husband and I agreed that it needed to stop and took action. We make a calendar for our vacation, then we both contact our families and scheduled in dinners, afternoons hanging out, etc. and we make a schedule for the entire vacation. Then we give the schedule to our parents when we get to town. That way everyone knows what we are doing and when and the guilt inducing questions stop - as you know, those Midwesterners really have guilt down to a science.
It has worked really well. We don't schedule more than 2 outings per day (sometimes one of those outings is just me or just him going somewhere with someone), we are able to schedule some down time and all the parents like knowing what's going on. I did have to persuade my husband into a new definition of the words "immediate family" - that now that we have kids and so do his siblings (who also live in Cincinnati), "immediate family" meant his parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters (including in-laws) and their kids, NOT his legions of cousins, aunts and uncles. It is nice to see the extended family, but we must make sure we see his and my immediate family.
Cutting down on the number of people we see, planning and doing the schedule that everyone has a copy of have all made a HUGE difference and our trips are much more pleasant, dare I say it? like vacations.
Good Luck!

Well, first off, change your attitude when you go there........dooming yourself before you get there isn't helping.

Next, plan your days. Talk to each family and let them know you have "this many hours" or days to spend with them. Then YOU plan the rest of the time.

I understand how frustrating this can be, but you have to make the best of it.....and it's not very often, so just do it............As for the husbands family......well, maybe he needs to set some boundaries, unless of course, he sees no issues with what is going on. Then you need to explain to him how you feel and try to reach a compromise.

Be sure to leave a little excess time for the family, but you need to make plans with friends as well.........tell them you are glad to see them, but you are having a busy schedule..........or you could sneak into town sometime without telling the family and visit just your friends if that is an option.

Hang in there, I would love to have family issues again, my parents are both gone and I miss them terribly. So, remember, they are all you have when you need family.......

Good Luck......

We face the same problem. We have lived here for about 13yrs, but every couple of years make the drive to central NY to visit our families. We now make our own plans and tell my family when we will be there, and then my husband's family our plan for them. My husband's mother is kind of demaning on our time but we just tell her what she gets as far as time. Good luck, it is never easy....

have you thought about spending the money on tickets for them to come to you. (at differant times). just a thought. R.

Family dynamics can be difficult and I speak from experience here when I say you need to take some control over your situation. Some families will be more understanding and others will not. My best advise would be to take some control back!!! Make plans, even it the plans are to do nothing but whatever the inlaws want on Tuesday and Wednesday. My worst experiences have been when I have had no plan and then became frustrated because we didn't get to do the things or visit the people we'd wanted to do. Looking back, I should have taken some control and just made plans myself, inviting them where appropriate. So, call friends in advance/find out what mom and dad have scheduled before you get there/offer suggestions (how 'bout we barbque on Friday?) If they say "nothing', then tell them when you are free and start filling this open slate with things. The biggest hurdle will be your own guilt, but you are just going to have to let some of that go.

I live in TX, my family is in PA and FL. My dad is 85, so we tend to go there more often for the obvious reason. I don't like my mom, so when I visit, we've stayed with my Dad/sis, visited friends (dad/sis are ok with this), and I visit my mom once for a short amount of time. It's my time, and I want to spend it where I enjoy it. I have even visited PA and NOT told my mother because I didn't want to see her. And minus a small twinge of guilt, I was glad I did it that way.

It sounds like you will have to take control of the schedule. YOU are the ones traveling, therefore you are the ones who schedule your time. Since you don't describe the inlaw wierdness, I can't speak to that directly. Find out who is doing what and when, then plan your time around that framework. And make time for yourself. If they can't understand that, then they don't get more time. They can travel to visit you if they want to see you. Put the ball in their court.

I completely understand what you are going through & all I can tell you is what worked for us after years of misery-rent the cabin yourselves & invite your families & friends to spend time with you there. My husband's family is a disaster-divorced & he loves seeing his Dad's side but hates seeing his Mom's side. Unfortunately for me, his Mom's side lives near
my family so everytime we'd try to go home to visit we'd be trying to split ourselves in two places. This as I said, was miserable & not
to mention the difficulty of trying to see friends. So, one year we decided
to make it our vacation & rent a cottage near the beach. We invited our families (on separate occasions) to dinner or
to a day at the beach but did not feel obligated
to deal with more than we wanted to. It was amazing & we got to see our friends more than ever while feeling like we were on vacation instead of the stress of a trip home! Hope this helps & good luck.

We are SOOO in that situation! We live in Columbus and my mom and my husbands family live in PA. My husband and I met in PA so we are in the same boat of we have our friends that we would love to see but when we visit there just isn't enough time for all of it. It really wasn't the best solution but to stop all the running around and the short time we got with everyone we basically said "we are here at X spot for the weekend... if you want to see us, meet us here at such and such time... hope to see ya". It is still very draining that way and we don't get to see everyone, but we at least get to see both sides of the family and some friends. We typically stay at my In laws home but they have a huge back yard and just do a cookout with hot dogs and hamburgers for Saturday afternoon/evening and play outside games. So this way more the merry but if not oh well we still had a good time.

Good luck with the situation. I know it is very hard to try and share your time with everyone.

I lived through this for 13 years and I have gotten so good at it in the last 7 years. My family is all up north. My parents split when I was younger, my dad married again and added more family. My sister is somewhere else and my mom is alone. So then my husband's family is together and small, but they had a hard time with the fact we had to visit all of my extended family along with our family vacations........so needless to say, it stopped. They came to us. We have special time with each family member as they visit us. When we go up there...it is like once a year and we will visit two places and go home. We visited my sister only and came home. Then one time we would go up and visit my mom and his family one time. We have not been to some families home for 3 years....but they come see us twice a year so it does not matter. We have also scheduled trips and invited family members to come along with us as our "vacation".
There has to be a time where you let go of your extended and put your current family, husband and kids first. It is hard to do. But it saves the marriage issues and fights and all the stress. My husband had to learn to let go of his ideal vacation of having his family involved with things.

We did try to do a two week trip one time....and sometimes that will work. 5 houses 2 days each.........but it was not worth it after it all was said and done. It will be hard for people to get use to the NEW YOU. But it will get better eventually if you put your foot down.

I feel your pain. I do not know if I can help other than to say I am right there with ya. We live about 2 1/2 hours from our hometown in southern Indiana and we live this far because the little river city we grew up in is very dirty and we do not want to live there. Both of our families live there and everyone else thinks that this is a great place to live and cannot understand why we would like to live far away.
We have to try to split our time between both sides of the family and try to make the time with each set of grandparents equally. We try to stay in a different place each time we go.. Both mothers are constantly trying to manipulate us and plan most of our stay for us. They do not get along and cannot be in same room together so there is no hope of both sides of the family hanging out together.
We are going there tomorrow and my mom is already upset that we are not staying at her house and assumes that she is going to be seeing us tomorrow. My sister-in-law has already planned a sleepover that my daughter is supposed to go to tomorrow night. and my mother-in-law has taken Friday off work to spend time with us without even asking what our plans are. And my sister-in -law chose what we are going to do on Friday - go to a local waterpark. My 3 and 1 year old do not swim and my 1 year just got staples in his head from an accident this week and is not allowed in the sun or the water this weekend... i do not even want to pack tonight for the trip.
Plus my husband gets in the worst mood the whole time we are there and it just causes fights between us. We try to only go once a month for a quick visit. I guess I should be grateful to have 4 grandparents who love our children and want to see them. I try to focus on this to get me through some tough times.

If you are staying with family that can make it harder to carve out time because the relatives you stay with may feel entitled. On the other hand, I am assuming that both sets of grandparents, anuties and uncles, etc. honestly do want to see you and your children, even if your husband is 'awkward' with his own family. Here's what I would do:

1)Set up your own schedule ahead of time and BE FIRM and stick to it. It would be best if you can stay somewhere else entirely- at a motel or even a beach cabin of your own!- or with friends, but even if you need to stay with family for financial reasons, make your own schedule.

2) Email both sides of the family in advance and set up specific activities with them. Do the two families get along? If so, suggest at least one big family cookout or potluck dinner. That way the maximum amount of relatives can visit with you all at once at one event. Your kids get to see everyone and play with their cousins- it's a win! Of course, if your families don't get on, that isn't going to work.

3) Plan out visits or activities with friends ahead of time and be sure to let your families KNOW. Tell them " Oh, we won't be here for dinner because we're going over to Susie and her husband's that night." If they complain, etc. just gently remind them that your old friends are also really looking forward to seeing you and that you have already made plans, etc. Be nice about it, but don't allow them to guilt you.

4) Not sure what the issue is with your husband and his parents. But if he is that uncomfortable, then why don't you rent your OWN cabin for a few days AFTER you visit his parents? Again, if anyone else has an issue with this, just say very gently but firmly that the arrangements have already been made and that your husband has been working so hard and he just needs some one-on-one time with you and the kids.

People are always going to find ways to complain about things or get their feelings hurt. If you have been polite and reasonable and have not taken advantage of their hospitality, you should not allow them to 'guilt' you.

If they are hurt that you are going to see your friends or going to the lake without them, just be polite and say " I'm really sorry you feel that way. We absolutely don't want to hurt your feelings, but we just need some time for just us and the kids right now."

Good luck- plan ahead and stick to your plans! Be polite and grateful, but don't let family guilt you!

You all are grown you can visit who ever you want. IM not sure who isnt allowing you to visit friends.... and next if your husband isnt comfortable around his family LISTEN TO HIM ON THAT!!!!! He has his reasons something happened to make him feel that way. dont press him to be around them and deff dont let your kids around that.

If you go for a week, spend 2 days with his family, 2 days with your family and the rest seeing YOUR friends and doing YOUR activities.
People that I know that visit out of town families most successfully plan in advance--we'll be at your mom's Monday & Tuesday, my mom's on Thursday and Friday, etc...that way your families can make plans for their specific days. Same goes for shorter trips (Sat a.m. breakfast here, Friday dinner there...)
Plan ahead so you're no hanging like leaves in the wind! You guys take control over YOUR vacation time.

We too live far away from our hometown. My husband only has one sister that lives there now. We do get pulled between my parents and my brothers homes. It does not leave a lot of time to see friends. Last time we were there we ended up having a pizza night and everyeone came over. It was a good way to gt to see different people and have a meal at the same time. You could maybe do something like that. If you don't have a relative with a large enough house maybe you could do a park pavillion with a bbq or if there is a church that your family attends that has a hall you might be able to use it to have a pot luck gathering. In a church you may be limited to number of people and non-alcoholc beverages. The other issue we run into is that if we stay at one family members house then the other feels like they get more time with us than they did. We have considered staying at hotels and/or with a friend instead. We also say that we will have dinner with family A on this night, then dinner with family B on this night and during this time we will be seeing friends etc... Hope some of these ideas help.

You can make the experience more pleasant by being more pleasant yourself. If you choose to stay at a hotel and rent a car or drive up and stay at a hotel that will help take some of the edge off.

I would discuss my concerns with my husband regarding his family. If you have your own ride when you get in town and your own place to stay, it makes it much easier to move and come and go or not come or not go.

While you are there set your mind on the good things and focus on that. Switch how your mind thinks about the people and situations. Try to make it a little lighter if you can. You may also want to incorporate some fun activities like a great comedy, or comedy show, or kareoke or something that will get everyone laughing. Stay focused and be prepared to leave while the atmosphere is on a high note. Don't make the mistake of staying too long or too late.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Ahhh- this is something I am all too familiar with. Both my husband and I are from Upstate NY and deal or dealt I should say with the same situation year after year. Hopefully this advice will help you as it has helped us. We do the exact same thing every time now. As soon as we arrive my mother picks us up from the airport and we head to her house for a family dinner/ get together. My inlaws are invited, my mother's sisters, and my grandparents. The next morning I bring bagels to my grandmother's house with the kids and my husband stays home with his parents. I then go to my mom's house for the kids lunch and nap time. On Friday, we go to a happy hour with all my father's side of the family at his brother's house. This is a standing event that happens whether we're there or not- but it gets the entire family there and knocks everyone out on that side.

The idea is- have big group events and include everyone! You could have your visits over in one or two evenings and then leave plenty of time for your friends and down time. I used to feel like we were pulled in every direction. Now there are times I go there and actually get a few naps in!! The main thing- you make the schedule- and let everyone else around you know about it. Hopefully your mother or his will be open to having a large group at one of their homes. It doesn't even have to be dinner if you want to avoid all the prep. It could something simple like a few snacks and drinks from 1-5 on a Saturday. People are really wanting to visit and see you guys- this'll take care of alll that in a short time!