Daughter Refuses to Do School Projects

Don't do the work for her. Stop that right now. If she doesn't do it than she has to suffer the consequeses for it. I know it is hard and the last thing you want is for her to fail but this is exactly what she needs to experience. Maybe even more than once. You are not doing her any favors by doing the work for her. Good luck.

You haven't let her fail at school... I am ADD and my mom did just as you do. The only thing I can suggest is letting her fail. Now seems like a good time for it to happen. My mom "helping" me get my late projects done only taught me that my mom will come to my rescue and I didn't really have to do them. If I avoided it long enough my mom would do it anyway...

5th and 6th grade seem like a good time to fail, same with middle school, all the better if she has to do summer school.

Let her get a failing grade. Seriously. Enough with the power struggles, the tears, the drama, and the you jumping in at the last minute to save her. She will never learn from her mistakes if you keep rescuing her. ADD or not, if she's able to manage her regular homework, then she needs to manage this as well, and set up a schedule so that she gets a set amount of work on it done each day until it is done on time. Maybe breaking down into small chunks that she must complete daily may help her with organization, and you can discuss this with the teacher further. Better she learn the hard way now, and get a failing grade in elementary school, then never learn, and end up with failing grades in high school when it really counts.

I hate to say this, but you simply have to stop doing the project work for her just to make sure it gets done.
ADD or not, parents who do this really aren't doing their children any favors. For one thing, they don't have to take responsibility if the work gets done or not if someone else takes on the responsibility and they don't learn anything from someone else doing what they should be learning from.
It sounds like the teacher is doing the right thing by breaking up the projects into sections so it doesn't seem overwhelming. As hard as it is for you, you have to sit back and miss her due dates. It doesn't sound like anything else has worked.
My daughter is smart as a whip, but she got into high school and apparently thought she could get by on her charm. No amount of grounding or anything did any good. She wanted to be a cheerleader and I told her no way. She went to try-outs anyhow and she was asked, in front of all the other girls, to leave as her grades didn't merit her being there. She was mad and embarrassed and guess who got off her cute little rump and knuckled down and started doing her work.
It really is okay for kids to feel the consequences of their choices. Your daughter may have ADD, but that doesn't make her stupid. It sounds like she does fine in class so I honestly think you have to stop the power struggle at home and absolutely do not do her work for her.
I know you're worried about her surviving Middle School. She needs to be the one to worry about it more and she won't, in my opinion, until you let it be her worry.
I'm not saying ignore the whole thing and pretend it doesn't matter to you, but it's her work, her project, her grade. Let her own it, good or bad. The consequences for her choices will be A, B, & C. Make it clear. There is no more fighting. Stick with it.
It's hard, believe me, I had a stubborn kid. I had to let her see for herself how far being stubborn was going to get her because it wasn't the good kind of stubborn.

I wish you the best, I really do.
You'll both get through this.

I agree with all the responses so far. These are HER grades not yours. This is the time to allow her to make her own choices and to see the consequences. Grades do not matter until high school, as far as college goes, so don't jump ahead and start worrying about that now. Stop all the drama from your side. You might be surprised at the results. Don't assume that she will fail if you step out of this. If fact, I would start saying things like "I'm sure you have a plan for finishing this project, just let me know if you need any help." And then unless she specifically asks for help, stay out of it.

Yes, as others say, you must not do any of the work for her any longer. But you seem to realize that already or you wouldn't be asking for help.

While I do understand the idea of "let her get a failing grade so she'll get a wake-up call," I also question whether that will really make a difference to her. She doesn't sound like she would care much about an F on a project since she proclaims them "stupid." Only you know her, and we don't. Do you think failing grades on projects would spur her to get them done the next time, or not? If the failure would shake her into doing her work the next time, then go for it. If not, she needs bigger help or middle school will indeed be a nightmare for you both.

Before resorting to completely letting her do it, or not, on her own, it sounds like you might need to help her learn to manage her time. I'm amazed how many kids in elementary school are told by teachers (and parents), "Just do it; here's the day it's due." Kids this age do not yet know how to manage their own time and if left to their own devices will wait until the last second to start a project. They see projects as overwhelming, too much to accomplish, too many steps and parts etc. They need to learn to break it all down into manageable chunks but no one really teaches them to do that.
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Because your daughter is ADD (I assume you have an official diagnosis and the teacher is aware of that--?), I would sit down with the teacher (without your daughter) and explain you want to work with your girl on time management and planning skills for projects. Get the teacher's input. Then sit down with your child AND the teacher and work out a schedule for the next project -- Do these tasks by this day; these other tasks by that day, etc., on a calendar that will go in her room or wherever she must see it daily at home. She should create lists of the supplies she needs for each step and the tasks to complete each step.

I know the teacher has given her due dates on parts of the project. I'm talking here about due dates on parts of those parts, which you deal with at home -- breaking the parts down even further into steps that she does on certain days. Really getting specific about tasks at home.

The tough part will be at home when she has the lists and schedule but just wont follow through. That's when you get to issue reminders at specific times. But do not do any work for her. When the first mini-deadline passes, and she hasn't done the work, you and the teacher need to remind her she now has two deadlines in one on the next deadliine day on her personal schedule.

This may or may not work, frankly. But it's at least giving her a process. If she can learn that a project does NOT have to be some massive, overwhelming thing, and can be done in small pieces, she will carry that skill with her into higher grades.

Does the teacher give enough lead time on projects? My daughter (4th grade) is on the last day of a huge biography project with many components (scrapbook, speech, report, two posters, presentation, dress-up as historical figure, and more) but the students have had about six weeks to work on it all, with rolling deadlines along the way -- all those components were not due on the same day.

Next year -- because it's really a bit too late for much difference in this year -- be sure the teacher gives enough lead time on projects and don't hesitate to talk to the teacher early in the year about the issue with projects and how you are working on more detailed at-home scheduling and want the teacher's support with that.

It also might help for the teacher to sit down with her at the start of the school year and explain that projects are as vital as the other things she is doing more willingly. And -- if she's ADD, is she getting some kind of therapy to help her be more attentive and organized? I know a kid with mild ADD who benefited greatly from therapy that helped him mostly with organization.

I totally agree with DVMMOM. It is very difficult to allow our children to fail, but you will not be able to continue to do her projects for her forever. If she gets a failing grade, she will see it was her project and her responsibility. You can be there it assist, but she has to ask specifically how she needs your help.

You may even consider getting a tutor to work with her, Many times kids, will listen to others better than they do their own parents.

It also helps if the teacher can actually show a completed project to your child. It will show her what is expected for a good grade and why it was awarded a good grade.

You know the problem with ADD is that it is very overwhelming for these people to break down what they consider a huge project. My husband was exactly like your child when he was in school. I have known him since he was 13 and projects like this made him shut down. He had to have someone sit close by to guide him on how to break down a large list of instructions.

He learned after a while what worked best for him.

Consider taking the project instructions and making a copy of them. Then have your daughter number each instruction and physically cut each instruction from the list. As she completes that instruction, she can then move on to the next part of the project.

When she has to decide on the actual project have her write down what order she will need to tackle the project. Help her break it down. You are corr4ect, in the older grades, the projects can become more complex. Also if she has to work with a group, she is going to have to learn to do "her portion" of the project.

Hang in there. Try to ask your daughter, "How can You start on this project?" Then guide her to follow through on her own suggestion. Then the next part ask her, "ok, you did the first part, what do You need to do next? " Maybe purchase a large wall calendar so that she can see exactly what she is supposed to compete on that day, she can then cross of the days she has completed.

Just hang in there. Remember she needs to receive the grades she has earned on her own, so she can understand they really are her grades.

Don't do her work for her, you are enabling her problem. Let her get in trouble and fail and get the poor grades. She needs to face her consequences. Maybe that means she will have to do summer school, or extra credit work at the end of the year or go to Saturday school. Better she learn it now, then in high school when college is around the corner. It isn't about grades, it's about teaching her work ethics.

Also, I would take away privileges such as tv, cell phones, playing with friends until she does her work.

Let her deal with the school consequences of missing projects. There is no reason for it to be a power struggle at home. You won't be able to follow her to college to do her work for her, so you need to stop now. They are her grades, not yours. Her grades are not a reflection of you. Rescuing her isn't helping her. She WILL learn. Breathe.

My daughter's projects, homework, etc. were HER responsibility, not mine. If she didn't do them, she got a 0. If she needed my help, all she had to do was ask, but it was not up to me to make sure they got done.

Usually when a child says, "it's stupid" it really means "it's too hard or too complicated". Some people can naturally break up a project into steps and enjoy each step. For other people a project feels overwhelming. Don't help her with the actual work, but help her with the organization of how to break down the steps.

Open up an honest, nonjudgmental conversation with her. Let her talk about why she resists so much. Ask some leading questions but don't try to solve the issues. Let her start thinking of some solutions.

All since punishment isn't working, sit down with her and plan out a reward system for getting each step down on time (without you doing any of the work). Maybe points earned for each step and the points can be used for her to pick a fun activity from a list ( assign points required to earn each activity)

If none of this works then just let the teacher know you are backing off for awhile and let her sink or swim on her own.

Since you've tried everything else, I suggest you tell her she will NOT be promoted to the next grade unless she completes assigned projects without all the drama and YOU doing her work. She will attend summer school as well. Get the school to back you up and stick to your guns.

Blessings.....

Well, you need to be responsible for her projects so she can learn that responsibility, it's as simple as that.

You didn't say when this project is due. So, estimate how many hours it will take to do a great job, add four more hours to that, and then divide by the number of days left before it's due. That'll give you an idea of how long she needs to work on it every day. Depending on when it's due, it might be a few hours a day, it might be 10 minutes. Either way, she needs to work on it EVERY DAY. You could lengthen the time she works on Saturday mornings and shorten on Friday after school, etc.

Then, sit with her and do this project. Don't do it for her, don't give her ideas, but be there as support, guidance, and to answer her questions and give her feedback on her own ideas. Sometimes just giving little hints in a certain direction will get a child thinking on their own.

And congratulations for not doing her homework for her. Of course, you'd expect her grades to slip...but it's far more important that you and her teacher get an accurate portrayal of how well she is doing so you know what still needs work. I find myself helping my daughter too much, sometimes, and she's much happier when I back off a bit.

If this doesn't work, then I agree with others that you should sit down and tell her, "that's it. It's your turn to be responsible for yourself." If she gets held back a grade, it's not the end of the world, but she will have to repeat every single one of those projects...and maybe she'll get it, then. But hopefully, if you lay out a timetable for her and sit (but not help) to make sure she does what she should, she'll learn her lesson before there are serious consequences. I don't suggest punishment.

I think you should consider the "natural consequences" method. There is a good book called Parenting with Love and Logic that explains it but in short, try and help her organize and focus but in the end it is her choice. At 11 she is ready for some responsibility. She should also be able to understand that good work, good choices, good behavior leads to good grades, accolades, fun, etc. Bad choices, poor prep etc lead to bad results, no fun, no kudos, no good feeling of accomplishment. She may still blow it off anyway but let her learn the consequences now while they are small. Good luck!

So why doesn't she want to do the projects? You need for her to realize why her teacher has assigned the projects and what she is supposed to learn. She needs to learn internal motivation to get them done because she will have 'projects' all the way through school, college and jobs.

Truthfully, some projects are 'stupid' and are assigned because a teacher has not figured out a better way to teach the material. If that is the case, have her brainstorm better ways of achieving what should be the real goal of a project (learning something). Then you can decide whether to approach the teacher with alternatives or help your daughter learn the material her way/allow her to do this herself. She is also old enough to understand that sometimes she will have to do things that seem 'stupid' just 'because, that's the way it is'.

There can also be time management issues. Many kids procrastinate. You can help her by setting aside time each day or week for doing projects (maybe take her to the library to work on this to get away from the regular distractions).

Oh M., I hear your frustration.

Look at the projects she has to do and devise a plan.

You take her to Micheal's the weekend after it is assigned and get all the materials.

Buy the books she needs if it is a reading project. Paperbacks are cheap and then I dont' have to worry about returning them. And she has them at home.

Set up a card table in the living room or wherever that is near everyone else. This is her project du jour table. Make it sound fancy.

Every day sit down with her and give her 10-15 minutes of your time to help her get her mind on it.

Give her ideas. How about this way, We could do this. My daughter is a junior and I still do this. My latest was to buy chickens and an incubator and raise chickens for next year's senior project. We'll see.

If you show genuine enthusiam and interest she will follow your lead.

My one daughter is also ADD. Break it down in steps she can do. This week read the book , now let's attack this part of it.

My son is ADD (also no H in the equation) so I hear you.

But he is opposite of yours. He loves a project, but often does not complete class assignments or homework. We have been struggling with this since about 5th grade also - he is now in 9th.

I have always taken the line that school is his job. I will review with him, quiz him, sit at the table with him while he does homework, ensure that he has all supplies imaginable, BUT ultimately, the work is up to him. He knows that if he fails, that summer school is not in my lexicon - he will not be allowed to make up that way - he will repeat grades/classes. That realization has made him try harder to keep his grades up - but only after the "Fs" pop up. My goal is to get him to be consistent throughout the school year - he puts so much pressure on himself towards the end of each semester to pull his grades up. {Sigh}

As your daughter progresses through school the coddling lessens. Pretty much stops by High School - that has been as adjustment for my son as well - suddenly teachers are not tapping his desk and keeping him on track.

I suggest working with her, giving her the tools she needs to complete the project, then letting it be. On Mom mentioned breaking it down for her - that is a great idea, but once broken down, let her do (or not do) the work. It is very hard to "let" our children fail, but since ADD is something they will have all their lives, they need to learn time management and need to learn how to work through the ADD.

I made it too easy for my son for years, because I wanted him to pass - this didn't do him any favors.It made the adjustment to 9th grade harder. Now he is learning to manage his ADD and his course work with me there to guide him.

Also, speak with her doctor about her medications. My son and I decided that he only take one in the morning - meaning by homework time it is usually worn off - but the option remains to add a smaller, afternoon dose should he need it to help with after-school school work. Also, his is time released so it better regulates throughout the school day.

And sometimes, remember, that a power struggle is simply just a power struggle and not related to the ADD :)

Good Luck and God Bless

I don't really think many children 'enjoy' doing projects but it school work and has to be done period. Every day she spends 1 hour working on the project-if she flat out refuses then she can sit in her room w/no tv, toys, comp etc. I alway spread out the project on the kitchen table and sit with my son discuss ideas and occasionally may help a little if he needs it. She has a lot of years of school left so you need to teach her now that there are going to be things in school that she has to do but she wont always enjoy them.

To be honest it sounds like she has some ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) which is a personality "quirk" and isn't something you can chance or medicate for. Instead, you have to use it to her advantage. What's amazing is that for all of her homework problems, she's now doing her homework. That's a great accomplishment. For some reason she's not viewing these projects as homework.

What she needs is motivation, and fighting with her and ordering her to do the work to the point that you're both screaming and crying is not only not productive but it's just not working. So maybe this is a situation where you need to stop covering for her by "making sure" she does the work as frequently as you are. She should get occasional reminders up on the calendar and maybe once a week, "How's your project coming along? Do you need help or do we need to pick up any materials?"

But if she doesn't finish the work or she misses sections, then the natural consequence is a poor grade. If it happens often enough she'll get tired of it and no kid likes to see a poor grade when they know they can pull much higher grades. She has to be her own motivation. And when she does the work and gets a good grade for it, she'll deserve praise for it.

It took me several years to get this right with my current 5th grader who has ODD. It's not easy because we butt heads all the time, but one thing she takes pride in is high grades from hard work. And I had to stop bailing her out and mothering/helicoptering her on her projects and reports and homework.

To Betsy, this isn't letting them fail - this is letting them learn how to make smart choices. Life is all about choices. We can't make them do anything. We have to show them what the natural consequences are of their choices, and encourage them to make the right ones.

D., she is old enough to understand that her actions have consequences. School is almost out for this year. Help her finish her last projects if you want, but once this year is done, I would sit down with her and explain that you will no longer be doing her work for her. You are right - if you don't get her straightened out now, middle school and high school will be impossible for her. Tell her that she's big enough now to make her own choices and you will support her and encourage her and if she asks for help, you will help her (to a reasonable degree), but it is her project and her grade. Show her her options: A) work on the project now, get it done early, not have to worry about it. B) wait until the last minute to work on it, be stressed out, but still get it done C) not do it. Ask her what choice she thinks will work best for her. Ask her how you can help make the choice become reality (gentle reminders, a calendar, etc.) Hang in there! Good luck!

I would get in touch with the teacher and ask to be made aware of all projects, get a calender and put it on the calender, then schedule times to work on it so that it is not overwhelming, I would offer to assist and definitely supervise but I would not totally bail her out. Sometimes a big project is overwhelming, by breaking it down into smaller parts it makes it seem easier. I would not as some have suggested just "let her fail" I do not see that as being acceptable or being a good parent, it is our responsibility to help them develop the skills so that they can function, not to stand by and let them fail.

My son refused to do homework or any kind of class work all through school. He got straight 'f' from 3rd grade to 8th, did a little better in 9th then just started cutting school. He got into trouble and ended up in court for being truant, ended up in an alternative High School program and on a 5 year plan for High School, but he did get his diploma. Not a GED but an actual High School diploma. It took until he was in 11-12th grade before it all sank in, he had to do the work.
My point *** You can lead a horse to water--you can't make them drink***.
You can not make your daughter do her class projects or have any interest in them. It doesn't matter why she is resistant to doing them--she just is. Make her face the consequences of her actions, don't do it for her. Do you really think that when she gets out into the big world of going to work every day, her boss is going to do the stuff she doesn't like? NO she will get fired repetedly until she learns that she has to do what is expected of her. It's time for her to learn that lessen, NOW.