Coping with the Loss....

I don't have any great advice here...I'd have been upset too. I miscarried at 11 weeks, and after a hellish 12 hours of bleeding, we finally went to the ER with low, low BP and they did a D and C. My husband was with me the whole time, and that was wonderful...but, we had also wanted a baby and the loss was completely a surprise. My best friend also miscarried, and her husband went to work the day she found out she was losing the baby and worked until 1 am. (He's normally home by 5.) She had his belongings set out that night and told him to go away. He did, but they had big-time marriage counseling after that, and things are fine now; it only took a little work. Anyway--your emotions ARE all out of whack--my milk even came in after I miscarried!--and, if I recall correctly, what I wanted from day to day changed. I wanted my husband close, but not too close; he didn't know how it FELT to carry a baby and then not...and I think men are a lot more ambivalent about pregnancy in general--they are not puking, they are not feeling the baby move, they are not tired, cranky, hormonal, or joyous the way we are. So...I think the loss of something they haven't yet come to love (I say this from MY experience...hopefully I'm not offending you...I think my husband loves the baby in my belly, but it's a lot more abstract than how I feel--I'm obviously PHYSICALLY attached to baby from day 1) is weirder for them than for us. I felt pregnant, then I had this major physical trauma, and he didn't have to deal with much of it except driving me to the hospital. Especially if you did the D and C at the clinic without him, it quite possibly doesn't feel like much has changed, to him, and it's hard for him to know how to react. I would also say that the fact that you didn't know whether you wanted another child probably plays into things...that's harsh; I'm sorry, but I know I had second thoughts about our second about two weeks prior to losing it, and I think those thoughts really made ME realize we weren't ready for baby 2 yet, and it helped me come to peace with teh loss. Anyway--talk to your husband. You experienced that baby, the loss of the baby, and the loss of the potential for more babies, in a way that he can't possibly experience. It is all very physical (and hormonal) for women, but I sometimes think that allows men to ignore what has happened--and for many, many men, that means absorbing themselves in something else that is NOT their wife, even though she needs support more than ever. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the trauma you're going through. I hope you can come to some peace with it.

I'm so sorry this all happened to you. A double loss. One of a child and your fertility. I do not think it would be a bad idea to talk to a professional. Give yourself a break and time to grieve.

L., I am very sorry about your loss. I can't imagine how lonely you must feel without your husband sharing your feelings. I think it is hard for him to realize that you actually lost a baby. Since men are very much like bystanders during the course of pregnancy, they don't feel love for that child until it is born. It sounds like you are stuck because your husband does not understand or share your emotions and you can't move on on your own. I think it is a great idea for you to talk to a counselor and also bring it up with your husband and tell him how hard it is for you emotionally now and how lonely and betrayed your felt when he left you.
Keep on moving with your life, you have 2 beautiful children that probably feel lonely without your love and can feel your sadness. This sad time will pass and your life will stabilize soon.

L.:
First I'd like to say I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. Even if this wasn't planned this is not easy for a woman. As for your husband I've found that men handle something like this much differently then we do. We had been trying for 3 years to have a baby. After 3 miscarriages I had an etopic pregancy which I felt was much harder on me. My husband, after finding out what happen went to a friends and did his crying so he could be "strong" for me. Sadly for me this didn't work. I felt he didn't care and quite honestly even though I knew in my heart better my head said otherwise. He'd never talk about the loss we had gone through because for him it was easier to just ignore the fact it had happened. Now 31 yrs later I still feel the pain at times of how I felt. Even though you don't want to go talk to someone in time you may find out this is what you'll have to do to help yourself or possibly a support group. I wish I had had someone to talk to at the time.

Hang in there and if you want or feel like crying do it and as much and as often as you need.

Dear L.:
I am so sorry. I've been there, I had a miscarriage in 1994 after 4 sucessful pregnancies. I was about 4-5 weeks at the time of the miscarriage but I felt like a failure. I had already picked out a name for the baby and I was looking forward to having a tiny person in my arms again. Of course no one understood the bond that a mother forms with her child and that bond is there from day one. The minute that stick says positive we begin to mother our child. And when we lose that child our arms feel so empty and we feel useless.
I know the idea of counseling makes you uncomfortable please understand that everyone feels that way. But I would recommend that you and your husband attend couples counseling. There has to be an underlying issue here that he is not respecting your feelings. If he is smothering you now he is still not respecting your feelings and you have to be able to talk about it. Remember that depression is anger turned inside--don't let it go that far. Give a voice to those hurtful feelings and punch a pillow if you have to but work it out.
One suggestion I have for you is to find a volunteer job that puts you in contact with newborns. Several hospitals have volunteers come in and rock, bathe and feed newborns who have been abandoned by their families. You can sing lullabyes and rock and even cry as you hold that dear little one. It helps with the feeling of empty arms.

Your reaction and feelings of emotional abandonment is normal. I went through something similar but without the added loss of a child (husband left me alone at the hospital [after calling me an intolerable b*t** for wanting him there] the whole time I was going through a horribly difficult labor - 60hrs). You are dealing with the loss of a child and the selfishness of your husband. You need to make is clear to your husband that it will take some time for you to heal. You may not ever completely get over it but in time it will not hurt as much. I suggest talking to someone before your hurt and anger turn into resentment and other stronger more poisonous emotions. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you are feeling and find someone to help you deal with them in a healthy way. It wouldn't hurt for your husband to go and see someone with you. He needs understand exactly how and why his actions hurt you so much. It is necessary that you know he "knows" for you to heal and fully trust him again to be there for you.

I hope this is helpful. All these emotions are normal after losing a baby, having your tubes tied, and your husband's abandonment. That is a lot! I pray that you find peace again soon.

Lori

L.,

First of all let me say sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what your going through. I think your husband feels really bad for being gone. He must think of you as a strong women, maybe that's why he didn't come home right away. Then when he got home he saw you and how you we're trying to cope with things and it sunk in. Most men are like superman when a problem comes up. They want to hurry up and fix it and move on. However with a loss like you've experienced. You can't always just bounce right back. Their is a grieving process. It really frustrates a man that can't fix something. Another thing to try and remember is that its just as h*** o* him. It can take a while to get used to the whole Idea of we're gonna have a baby and then boom all of a sudden it's taken away from us. I think you have to try and communicate about it.

My mother had seven miscarriages between my sister and I. It was very h*** o* her and my father. It got to the point where they didn't tell anyone they we're expecting. My mother beat herself up big time. Not knowing why it was happening nor could the doctors tell her. She almost started thinking maybe it was because the foods she ate, or the fact that she wore high heels. When my husband and I found out we we're expecting he was so afraid to tell anyone, because of my moms history with miscarriages that he made me keep it a secret until our first appointment. Now I'm almost 6 months along and still scared that it could happen to us.

My husband worked with a guy who's wife had several miscarriages as well and for everyone he had a butterfly tattooed on his arm in honor of the baby. Maybe you need to do something special to remember them or put some closure to it. I know it will never be something that you will totally forget about but hopefully over time the pain will get better.

Take care of yourself.

R.

L.,

You have a situation that you've handled well, and you will be fine after a little time passes. I've been in a similar situation, several years ago, and can say that whatever emotions you are having are normal, and time is what puts them into perspective. Your husband has his own emotions, maybe not coinciding with yours, so it might feel like or seem he didn't respond properly, but then is smothering, when all that is happening is that he is on a different swing cycle with his own dealings. I am a "numbers" person, not a therapist, but have found as I've gone through life, that if I just step back and look at it from a different angle, my take on how to go through the unusual and unexpected gets a fresh outlook. If the husband is smothering, enjoy it! If he is not there, enjoy that space. Find the positives, and revel in them!

Slow down and do some deep breathing, and don't re-think your decisions, but know they were right for you, or you wouldn't have made them. You will find some real benefits to having the two precious children you have, and no risk of an unplanned pregnancy as the years go on.

D. R.

L. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My best friend went through the same thing. 1st have you spoken to your MD. You are grieving the loss of a child wether others like to think so . 2nd you may have a bit of depression and there is no shame in taking meds for this. I had post partum 4 times and the meds I took for 3 months after helped tremendously. 3rd. I know this is hard but let your husband help in any way he can but tell him what you want and do not want in a nice way. I bet he probably realizes his mistake now and is trying to make up for it. Forgiving your spouses stupidity sometimes can be hard because you are just amazed at how cruel it feels to you , but honestly sometimes men just do not "get" it, my husband often tells me that one and that he cannot read my mind. Good luck and please call your MD that is what they are their for.

I actually lost a baby in February too. I was beyond devastated. I was lucky in that my body actually expelled it nautrally eventually though so I can't relate in the D & C front. My husband tried his best to support and comfort me but I still felt so alone.

The best thing I found was support groups with other women who understood what I was going through. I would really suggest finding an online one, or finding one in your city where you can go to it in person. I've made some great friends and I really feel like I'm moving on.

Also if you need someone to talk to I'm here. Feel free to send me a message. I know how you feel and know how lonely you pry are.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss! I lost a baby at 8 weeks a year and a half ago. I was and still am amazed at how much I grieved over a pregnancy I only had for eight weeks. There is an enormous amount of emotional pain that happens when you have a miscarriage and I think our society does not acknowledge it, which makes our loss feel so much worse (and makes you feel so much more alone). If your dad dies, people have some compassion toward you. If you lose your baby in the first trimester you get trite sentiments like "well your baby probably had something wrong with it anyway." I won't go into how ridiculous that is! But I just want you to know that you need to mourn and grieve. Even if you don't tell anyone, name your baby. Give him/her an identity. Chose a gender neutral name or just follow your gut on what you think you were having. Talk about it as you feel ready. Especially if you can find one person who has also experienced this. I was amazed how many women have been through this and how many don't talk about it until after you say something. There are books out there about this also. Look on the MOPS website. Sometimes I think we jsut need something to help usher us through the grieving process. Your pain over losing a baby will never be gone, but with time it will get better.
Second, men don't get it. My husband is an amazing husband, loving, attentive, but when we lost our baby he was completely useless. Not only did he not get it, he basically blamed me for the loss. He made comments (along with the disclaimer of "I'm not blaming you, but")like "maybe you should stay home more" or "maybe if were you less involved in things" totally implying it was my fault, although he denied it up and down. I still struggle with forgiving him. I tried to just make a decision that I was going to forgive him no matter what, but I don't know that I have. And even if you do forgive him, you probably won't forget--which is okay, just don't become bitter toward him. For your other kids' sake--it is not worth losing your marriage over bitterness.
The reason men don't get it is because when we become pregnant, in our hearts as women, we have another child. We have dreams, hopes, names, plans for this child and when they die, either at 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years (or even 60 I imagine) something inside us dies, too. And I think because our society doesn't acknowledge this, a lot of women have major depression and other issues stemming from unresolved grief. I felt shame, guilt, embarrassed for telling people, all of which are not rational responses, but I still felt them.
So all of your feelings are normal and take a lot of time to heal. I would say give yourself 6-12 months and if you don't feel better (maybe even a month or two after the anniversary of the D&C) maybe you could talk to someone professional. But I think you will find the due date will suck, the date of the D&C will be an awful day, but time heals so many wounds.
One last thought, many locations have remembrance events/ceremonies annually for remembering our lost unborn babies and babies that died after birth. Something like that may be therapeutic as well. There was a Walk to Remember last fall that I participated in. I don't know why but something about it just helped the grieving process.
Anyway, hope this helps. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well.

I'm sorry to hear about this. I went through a similar situation about a year and a half ago. I had one daughter at the time and had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks due to chromosomal issues. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and my husband did not understand at all. He would get mad at me for crying so much about it. I don't really have any advice for you as to what to do, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I know what you are feeling! Stay strong and cherish the 2 children you have in your life!

Oh, L. - My heart aches for you.
There is a wonderful organization called Missing Grace that helps people deal with pregnancy loss. You can find a chapter near you at http://www.missinggrace.org/CalendarSupportGroupsMinnesot...

They have resources (books, etc.) in addition to links to support groups, etc.

In addition, my aunt is the head of the St. Paul chapter of the Compassionate Friends organization. Compassionate Friends is an organization for parents and others who have lost a child. They are another option for you to look into.

In the meantime, please, please take care of yourself. Make some allowances for both you and your husband. Although he's not showing it, he has suffered a loss, as well. If you *both* can go to talk with someone, that would probably be the best. And it may be especially important for you to go talk with someone since you do struggle with that.

My heart is with you and I wish you the best.
Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss L.. It is hard and doesn't seem as if it would get any easier, it will take time. Talking to someone even if it is your minsiter will help. With your hubby, you feel let down by him, he wasn't there when you needed him. I wish there was a quick fix, but while you are mourning, you need to fix your frustration and pain somewhere and your husband's not being there for you gives you that outlet. Your husband is trying to make up for it and I am sure he doesn't know what he can do to make it better, because he can't while you are hurting so bad. Right now you need to remember all the good things your husband has done for you and when you start to think about his not being there for you, replace it for the times he was. This is harder then it sounds but it will keep reminding you of the good things in your marriage. Don't let the loss of your baby become the loss of your marriage and hurt your children with a loss of security. Talk with someone, most towns have a grief support group so join that. Do what you can to let go of the let down by your husband.

I am not going to pretend I know how you feel, but I have known other moms to go through similar experiences. No matter how hard it is to share your feelings, you need to be open with your husband on how you feel. You are brave to share all of us, share with him. He is not going to know what you are going through if you don't. It will take a long time to grieve, just as you would another family member. All your hopes for this child were lost when you lost the baby. I would even recommend talking with your family doctor and just let him know you are having a rough time coping. He may prescribe you some medication for just when you feel down or may suggest something else. Also, having a girlfriend or mother, aunt..someone just to listen to you as you go through this process will help you feel like you're not the only one who's had this happen. Also, I wonder if you're not also grieving due to your tubal ligation. If you are having second thoughts about if you want more children, or just to have that option is also normal feelings to have.
Good luck and we are always here to listen.
T.

L.
A miscarriage can be very hard! Your husband is dealing with it the only way he knows how. Talk with him. Let him know how hard this has been for you. He may think you are okay with it since you hadn't planned on more children anyway. I lost a baby in October, and my husband never seemed to be hurt over it. After we got pregnant again (we were trying for our second), he opened up about how he thought he had hurt the previous pregnancy in some way. I had no idea, and your husband may have some feelings he is hiding as well. It can't hurt to try. Now is better than too late.
Christa

Dear L.,

I am so sorry for your loss. Right now you are grieving and dealing with hormones. Please, please get some professional help to get through this difficult time. It would be good for you and your husband to get counseling as well.

Grandma Joanie

Trauma is trauma, and you certainly have had it! On top of it, yours greatly involved hormones. I almost died right after my 2nd daughter was born and hours after the c-sec I was back in emergency OR, and lost half my womanly parts to get to the issue of my bleeding. Days later my DH had a vasectomy done for extra insurance they we wouldn't get pregnant again. I struggled for MONTHS over the loss of ability to bear children! It's tough!
Firstly, it's OK to feel mad, upset, and to cry. Loss is loss and you have a right to your emotions. HOWEVER, you do need to begin a healing process. I came close to needing professional help as well. I think if i had sought it out, I could've grieved sooner and moved on. For the sake of your marriage you must find a way to forgive your husband - clinging onto a burn like that will only scald you both. Try exercise, prayer, and even some natural supplements like Korean GinSeng for mood stabilization. (I've also heard St.John's Wort is helpful) But most importantly is to talk about your feelings. With friends, family or professionals. You can do it - you clearly want to move on! Just be sure to find someone that lets you feel the way you feel, because your feelings are yours and they are real, and you are entitled to them!
Best of wishes!
RLP

I had a miscarrage in between the births of my 2 children. It was horrible, and the dr's wouldn't tell me what was happening. My Doctor was out of town, so i ended up in the E.R. with strangers.
My Mom had gone through it before, so she took me home and told me what was going on. My husband wouldn't even come home from work, and insisted that I go to his family reunion the day after it happened... his mother was insisting, but they wouldn't drop it.

Now that I have had 9 years to reflect on it... almost to the day. I realize that he didn't know how hurt i was. It wasn't the best timing for a baby, and men handle things so differently than we do. I had my own funeral privately where the baby was concieved. My husband was there, but he didn't know what to do.

I cried and cried, and eventually my doctor asked how i was mentally... well that was when I lost it. He put me on a very small amount of antideppressants, and had me go to a shrink.
I have never been able to get my husband to go to more than one appointment, but what I learned about myself and him is really amazing stuff to know.

It is normal for you to mourn your loss, but he might need the advice on how to deal with you during this difficult time.

I hope that you can get him to go with you, just to help you communicate better. It really is an awesome thing.
Try to remember to take one day at a time, it is very difficult to get over something like this, don't rush it too much.
(hugs)

His behavior was quite insensitive to your feelings (leaving for a vacation by himself for 6 days right after the procedure). However, that he is now smothering you so much may mean he now knows he was wrong, and he's trying to make up for it. Of course he would say he didn't think it was "that bad"...a thoughtless comment by a person who wasn't really the pregnant one...how could he know just how you were feeling, after all, he wasn't the one who was pregnant. You need to talk to him about what you are talking to us about, but you could do that after you talk to a counselor/therapist about it first. I'm sorry for your loss.

Dear L.,
I can certainly feel your loss and pain as I went through a similar pregnancy only I was at my seventh month when it died in utero. I hadn't felt any movement of the baby for two days. When my water broke I went in to see my OBGYN and he told me there was no heartbeat.I went right to the hospital from there and went through a very painful delivery. We also have two children ages 10 & 12 yrs. and were not planning on having any more but I had gotten pregnant with an IUD in tact!I was hurt because my husband didn't seem too concerned (I guess he was too busy with the addition he was adding to our home for the baby)and I went to the hospital alone. Some guys just don't know how to behave when their spouse is hurting.They might be going through more then we realize. Reaching out to others who care about you really helps or seeking out a support group.We tend to carry a lot of baggage when all we need to really do is give it all to God in prayer. The billboards say He is going to be up all night anyway. He knows we're hurting and just wants to hear from us. The lines are never busy.He is always there for you.This kind of situation hurts and affects everyone in the family. When mom is hurting everyone else is also, so we need to take care of ourselves by doing whatever we can to get back on tract before there are more problems with the rest of the family.I might be all wrong,but we like to see our kids happy as it hurts us when they are sad and the same with our husbands. They don't like to see us hurting either and don't know how to fix it. I like the song "Smile" that says to 'smile through your tears and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come shinning through, if you just light up your face in gladness, hide every trace of sadness, although a tear maybe ever so near, if you just smile'. I know it's hard cause I've been where you are. Hope I've been of some help to you. My kids are adults now and we did have one more child after we lost the stillborn but I sure could identify with your story.
KN from Blmgt. MN.

A miscarriage is really rough. And each person handles it a different way. Some are basically fine, and others are devastated. Whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal and reasonable, given what you have gone through.

I think it's too bad that more people don't talk about their miscarriages; people who haven't been through it can be clueless. Your husband went on a trip -- which he shouldn't have -- because he genuinely didn't know.

I went to a pregnancy loss support group at a Fairview Hospital after my miscarriage. What helped me the most, though, was "talking" online with other women who had had miscarriages on a pregnancy support board.

I think you should look for a good counselor. And if she doesn't click for you, look for a new one. I think it would help you to talk about this with someone neutral to the situation.

Hang in there -- I am so sorry about your loss, both past and future.

The same thing happened to me. I went in for my first appointment at 13 weeks to find that the baby had died at 10 weeks. I was still having morning sickness! I also had a D & C. They called it a "missed miscarriage" because my body still thought it was a viable pregnancy. This was 9 years ago.

Even if this pregnancy never came to full term, it was still your baby and you have the right to mourn. Everyone is different. For some, miscarriages can be completely non emotional and for others, they feel a loss no different that when a living child dies. (I was the latter)

I did have another child the following year and ended up with PPD. After losing one child, I had terrible fears my entire pregnancy and even still have them that I'm going to lose this one too.

Go talk to someone. I know it's awkward but it will really help. Maybe have a few sessions alone and then bring your husband so he can better understand what you are going through.

Hi L.
When my daughter was 2 my husband and I decided we wanted to try for #2. We were successful very quickly. It wasn't until I began bleeding at 12 weeks along that I went to the doctor. I had an ultrasound and was told the baby had not gone beyond 8 weeks. I was scheduled for an immediate D&C since I was spiking a fever and getting ill. Needless to say we were told I would feel just fine the next day and could return to work. I don't thn my doctor had ever experienced a D&C and so telling my husband I would be fine the next day was a mistake. He assumed I was going to be fine, fine maybe in walking around doing daily activities, but not fine in my emotional state. It was a very emotional time for me. I think whether or not you were prepared for a pregnancy and no one is ready for a loss, you have experienced a loss. A loss is hard to take no matter what the doctors say and you will deal with this your way. Your husband has to be supportive, but not smothering. It seems easy to say but remind him it was a loss, you feel the loss and want to know if it feels the same to him. He may not understand how emotional it is for you. Men don't carry the baby and have no way of knowing the hormones and feeling we get when something like this happens. I subscribed to our hospital's mailing list for people who had miscarriages or lost their baby at any time prior to birth. It was helpful and I cried a lot. It was a time I needed to be alone and deal with myown saddness since no one else was going to understand my pain. A ocuple of months later I saw in the paper a clasmate of mine's daughter had been stillborn. I felt for her, but knew the pain had to be far beyond my own comprehension. I then knew how my husband felt with me. No one can understand the pain. I then unsubscribed to the newsletter feeling I was ready to move on. Not long after that I became pregnant with our son. He was colicky and gave us a run for our money. Like gives us challenges and sometimes we work it out quickly, other times we need something around us to remind us of who were are and gives a road to follow back into happiness. You will follow that road, and don't give up on your husband he is somewhere along that path. Good luck to you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I misscarried 4 years ago and hhad to have a d&c to finish also. It does get easier but the pain never truely goes away, it just dulls. Husbands deal with pain differently. For my husband avoiding the subject and not showing any emotions was the way he delt with it. He also wanted to try for another child right away and couldn't understand why I was so sad. It nearly ended us with a divorce cause he just didn't get it. They don't understand the connection that a mother has with her child before holdinging him/her or seeing him/her. It took a long time to forgive my husband cause i thought he should feel the way I did. Finally one day we had a big blow out and I told his I hated him for not caring that we lost a child. He told me he did but just didn't know how to show it and that he cried to just not when i was around, which was later verified by one of my friends. On what should be my babies birthday I go to a special spot and release a ballon with a note to my baby. On the anniversary of the day I lost the baby I go to the same spot and read a child book called all Gods creatures go to heaven. It helps me to feel like I haven't totally forgotten the child i never held but that I am still moving on with life and gives me some closure. I also ordered a neclace online that has a forget me not flower with the birthstone and the stone of the month I lost the baby. It helps me feel like the baby is always close to me. Please don't minimize your pain, give your self time to morn cause it was a real loss of a person. There is a great website called www.miscarriagehelp.com that really got me threw it. Don't blame yourself for the loss, you did the best that you could and it wasn't your fault for the loss. I consulted with my pastor and started taking an antidepressent for a while to get threw the greif. I still have days when I just break down and cry. I always feel much better after and then I can go on again. If you'd like to talk some time let me know. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who's been threw it.

The loss of a child either at birth or as a miscarriage is the worst possible emotional roller coaster you will ride at this time. My husband and I lost our only daughter when I was 6 months pregnant due to chromosone issues. It has been 17 years as I still mourn her death every year. Men have such different ways of grieving then women do. I know that I was an emotional wreck for quite awhile after this happened. When a child dies inside of us men have no concept of the grief that we experience. Be patient with him he probably didn't know how hard this was for you and on top of this you can't have anymore children which only compounds the emotional roller coaster your are on. I can say that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal and what I would suggest is to take some time for yourself and come to terms with your grief. It will take sometime but I promise you that it will get easier as time goes on. Your husband can't take back the time he didn't spend with you and I think that is your main issue. Please forgive him and move on. I know that it is hard but I think you are a strong individual with two beautiful children. Forgive yourself as well as your husband for the past and grow for the future. The more you dwell on this the worse emotionally you are going to be. God Bless you

I went through a very similar experience with several miscarriages and subsequent D & Cs, and my best guess is that men don't go through the same emotions that the women do. The best you can do is express to him your personal feelings about the whole experience and ask him to express his for both of you to understand your needs now and in the future. Remember that you are also very hormonal going through all of it, so do what is best for you -- whether to talk to a friend (or therapist) or pick up a book that could help you cope. My husband had to leave for a business trip to Germany so my mother had to drive me to the procedure! Honestly, I thought I would be okay with it, but it turned out I wasn't. I did hate him for a day (or 2), but after I let it all out and let him in, I did forgive him, and I could move on. Plus, he made up for it in an extremely generous gift! He was sincerely sorry he couldn't be there for me. You must be open in your communication! Good Luck!

L.-
I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost babies during preganancy and it is a horrible thing to go through. Men and women definitely grieve in different ways and it is a much more intimate loss for moms, I believe. I went to a support group through the Fairview Hospital system and that helped me immensely. I also sought counseling on my own. There is information on the Fairview website about who to contact about the various support groups. Remember that it is o.k. for you to do what is right for YOU, as everyone grieves differently. Take care of yourself right now, or it will catch up with you later.
Peace, J.

L. B,

feel free to call my work number if you'd like an opportunity to do some complimentary life coaching. It is amazing when you can process your feelings and thoughts with someone whose only agenda is to support you.

K.
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