My 7 year old is dealing with a friend who has an unhealthy obsession with my daughter. This child is extremely spoiled and doted on by her parents and grandparents and I can tell that it's the "mean type" of sorority women gene being passed down.
The problem is my daughter naturally gets attention because she is kind, funny, and loves life. It bothers this child that my daughter gets attention and so she always positions herself to be near my daughter. She has started copying everything my daughter does. She tells her mother she wants the exact things she sees my daughter has --not just the same type but the exact same shoes clothes etc---and her mom will purchase it. She complains to everyone in her class when my daughter gets recognition for her accomplishments. She even says things like: Why does "Tina" always get the right answer!"
The problem is that she is always competing with my daughter and copying everything she does and is always trying to "one up" my child. It's a running joke in my family that if my daughter shares what she's going to do the other mom will make sure her daughter does the exact same thing but on steroids. It's starting to bother my daughter and the last straw is that she is doing the same exact party that my daughter had just a few months ago. This mother has no originality and is so engratiating to everything her daughter wants that she's creating a competitive spirit in her child. My mother calls her "single white female." It's really a problem because they share the same group of friends and my daughter doesn't want to hang out with her because she's always trying to copy or duplicate what she does.
What would you do?
This was my first post ever on this site that I did while under the dryer at the hair salon yesterday morning. I apologize if people felt ignored because I did not respond earlier.
Thank you for such wonderful advice. I text'd the entire post and saw the horrendous spelling mistakes and missing words so I tried to edit it so that it made better sense.
I'd like to address a few things:
My daughter does have a problem with it so that made me have a problem with it. I am not imposing my spin on it. My daughter has asked me why I told her mother certain things about the places we go and the things we do because she always "copies". My daughter made me notice it at first ---and then I really started to notice it. I realize that children like the same things----but this is not that. For example, wanting twinkle toe shoes is not the same as wanting the exact twinkle toe shoes and stopping at nothing until the exact pattern is purchased. (this is only an example)
I do not "gossip" in front of my daughter----but I do seek advice from my own mother and other mothers. My mother compared the behavior to the Single White Female movie. If I am trying to be descriptive and I use a character in media to describe it doesn't mean I'm calling a child a name. The child behaves like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory.
I really like many of your responses. Suz you made some very good points. I have never liked competitive friendships and I don't tolerate them. I do not believe they are healthy. I certainly do not want my daughter involved in any. I share things with other mothers from where I got a good deal to what good programming I found for the children. I do it out of habit. My 7 year old specifically asked me to stop sharing. "Mommy please don't tell Kim's mom because then she'll come and make it not fun anymore."
I am very into telling my children to be their best and it's all about how much effort and preparation they put into a thing and that is what they are to be proud of. I tell them it's not a competition with the other person it's really a competition with themselves. So when this child keeps making everything a competition my kid gets affected. I teach my child to praise people for the things they do well and for their individuality and their accomplishments.
This child doesn't do that yet. Maybe those skills are not developed yet or maybe they are not encouraged at home but from the things my child has told me it seems like a "love hate friendship" on the girls behalf and my daughter doesn't understand why.
And while I have even uttered the phrase "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" as you have suggested------my 7 year old told me that copying doesn't make the other person feel good. My kid doesn't want to be mean and hurt other people's feelings so when the other little girl tries to one up her or whine when my daughter is getting praised, my daughter just gets frustrated and vents at home with me. She has asked her to stop copying her---but the little girl cries.
I suppose as some of you suggested, maybe the little girl has self esteem issues but really she is the center of her immediate family and is doted on so I doubt that she has low self esteem.
Thanks for the advice ladies. I think I will cut back on the interaction as much as I can. I will ask the principal to separate the girls for next year.
Imitation is the best form of flattery. Teach her to be gracious and see it as a form of compliment. Tnd her own direction. It's also the opportunity to teach her to be her "own best self" because no one else can be...no matter how hard they try. Teach her empathy to be kind to someone who doesn't know how to find her own direction. This is will help her to build confidence, understand leadership, and humility.
If this is the biggest problem your daughter ever has then she will have an amazing life.
Your daughter should be honored that someone thinks enough of her to copy everything she does, and you should definitely not gossip about these perceived personality flaws of the mother and daughter in front of your daughter, or your daughter will become a trash-talker.
What would I do? If this "bothered" my daughter, I would tell her to view it as a compliment and then change the subject. Unless I'm missing something in this situation, this doesn't warrant a second thought, let alone an action. It's not really your business if the other mother has no originality or spoils her child. To me -- statements like that make YOU sound like the mean girl, not them.
We are all flawed. I think it behooves and ennobles us to try to have sympathy and understanding for the flaws of others, and that is definitely a quality I tried to foster in my children. I believe I succeeded. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful girl. Don't tarnish that lovely spirit with trivia.
Well put, Julie.
If it were me, I would focus on this idea:
You can't change others or control their actions. You can only control your own actions.
For starters, I think I would have a conversation before school started with the principal regarding class placement. Call a few weeks before school starts, when you know the principal will have returned, and make an appointment. Describe the situation in a 'just the facts' sort of way and let the principal know that your concern is that your daughter not be distracted from learning or doing her work in the class. Sometimes teachers move kids up in 'clusters', and this may mean that your daughter will have less of her close friends in the class she's assigned, but that she won't have Miss Competition breathing down her neck.
This is also a good time to teach your daughter some empathy and boundaries. "It's really sad when some people feel they need to be the best at everything. It's a hard way to go when a person is competing all the time."
The exact same party? Let it go. In the big picture, 20 years from now, she's just going to look like a sad little copycat with a sad, indulgent mom who doesn't say "no" (which means she doesn't know how to parent-- how miserable to have a parent who doesn't want to parent).
Let your daughter invite her friends over one-on-one. It doesn't need to be the group.
I'd also find the book "My Secret Bully" by Trudy Ludwig .It's focus is on relational aggression, which is primarily what goes on between girls.
My son had to deal with a kid who made his life miserable earlier this year. We chose to work with the school and used this hard experience as a learning experience for our whole family. The situation has since resolved.
I would also say this: there's a part of my heart which says that, like the kid who was hurting my son-- this little girl needs some help. So, if the dynamic continues, make an appt with the school counselor and ask for some resources. Besides NOT informing this girl about anything that goes on (which means your daughter may need to keep mum about some things for a while), I think this kid has some underlying self-esteem issues. Sure, it may be entitlement, but if it isn't, we want to help ALL the kids get the fostering and encouragement they need.
So, that's what I would do. Tackle the most important stuff first (ensuring this dynamic doesn't impact your daughter's education) and try to then make it less personal. This isn't really about your daughter, it's about a kid who is being raised by a very immature or possibly narcissistic parent. That's already a huge burden on the child, so SHE needs some support too. Good luck.
This is a good chance to teach your daughter in a far better way than that mother is teaching hers. That mother is teaching her daughter not to think for herself, not to be satisfied, not to be curious, not to be happy, but only to imitate, be jealous and only do what someone else has already thought of.
So sit down and talk to your daughter. Tell her there will ALWAYS - whether she becomes a teacher, a stay-at-home-mom, an astronaut, a writer, a Nobel Prize winner, a clerk in a store, a chef, a computer technician, or a fashion designer - be people who will be jealous, will be mean-spirited, will copy her and who will not be able to think for themselves, and there will also be people who inspire her, encourage her, teach her, help her, and remain loyal to her. Those are the important people to think about and learn from. The others are just the result of living on a crowded planet.
Tell her that now is a good time to think about how to respond to all the people your daughter will meet (teachers, a future spouse, her favorite authors or tv characters, friends, parents of friends, doctors, neighbors). Ask her to start thinking: is this person helping me? Can I learn good things from him or her? Is this person a good role model? Is this person making good decisions? If not, start teaching your daughter how to respond. If she meets a girl and her mother who must imitate and who are afraid to be original thinkers, your daughter can either just ignore the copying and be the best she can be, or maybe she can instill a little confidence in that girl. If that girl says "Why does Tina get the right answers all the time?" then your daughter can say "because I studied and did my homework". If that girl has the same party theme, your daughter can realize that unless it's a wedding with a million dollar designer who is exclusive, party themes don't really matter in the big picture. After all, if you had a party with a theme, you probably used paper products (plates, decorations, party bags, etc) that weren't your original design (e.g., you did a Little Mermaid party and had Ariel hats), or else you held your party at a venue that provided entertainment. Unless you had a private space that no one else has ever had access to, and unless you created a completely unique theme that no one ever has licensed or viewed or even thought of, then it's ok for someone else to throw a similar Little Mermaid party or bowling party or whatever.
Start now to help your daughter figure out what matters and what doesn't. Teach her to smile at the other girl, and to not compete with her, and to not let that girl's imitations bother her. Teach your daughter that if she gets worried about this kind of stuff, later on when she's curing cancer or exploring Mars or raising a baby or writing a book (or all of the above!), it will drive her crazy and she won't get anything accomplished.
Your daughter will take a lot of her lessons from you. If you say "oh, Molly is having the same kind of party you did. Guess that's popular now! I'm glad you had such a fun party and I hope Molly does too" then your daughter won't think this is such a big deal. If Molly's mom buys the same dress, the same shoes, the same everything as your daughter, just say "wow, it's a good thing she has brown hair and you have red hair so you guys won't get mixed up! I hope Molly finds a good style for herself but for now, isn't it nice that she likes your style". Let it roll right off you.
It all starts with you. Relax and enjoy your remarkable daughter.
Tell your daughter that imitation is the highest form of flattery and move on!
That isn't competition, that is imitation. Sounds like you are trying to make it a competition and that is what your daughter is reacting to.
I had a neighbor that copied every single thing I did and bought. I had fun with it once I figured out what was going on. I'd mention vacations I was planning and she'd book it and go while I'd sit home and giggle. She's ask where I got something and I'd give her the wrong store or the right store claiming I got it for about 75% less than she would find it priced. Of course that isn't going to work with your daughter.
Just tell your daughter that she needs to not pay attention to what anyone else is doing or saying. If someone copies her style then it must mean that she's got a great style.
I had a friend,but not as nasty, that did this for years. It was really annoying but eventually with the help of my mom I realized that it was a compliment to the choices I made. It was also quite pathetic on her part and I began to feel sorry for her. Let your daughter hang out with her in groups, but focus on the nicer, kinder kids for the one on one close friendships. Eventually the girl's true colors will shine and everyone will see her for the competitive copycat she is.
Try to ask that your child not be in the same class room as the other girl.
Tell the school you feel your daughter needs a break from this girl.
That level of competition is really compensation for a serious inferiority complex.
If they are not competing with your daughter they'll find someone else.
They pretty much HAVE to imitate/put someone down in order to feel better about themselves.
There's no fixing this problem (they need a psychiatrist) except to put your daughter in a position where your she has minimal exposure to this behavior.
this is really a pretty nice sort of problem to have.
i wouldn't 'handle' it all, in that you seem to want some sort of coping technique vis a vis the other girl and her mom. the most important takeaway for your daughter AND you here is that you can't control other people, nor should you try.
the fact that this girl is desperately aping your daughter is a compliment of the highest order. your challenge is to get your daughter to see this WITHOUT puffing her up and inflating her ego.
rather than engaging in sulking together over a copycat party, why not laugh, say 'wow, ours really WAS pretty wonderful, wasn't it?' and move on? by zeroing in on all the competitive moves on their part, you're doing exactly what the other mom is doing- fostering competition.
you can simply decline the battle. and SHOW your daughter, rather than just telling her, how to do the same.
khairete
S.
Frustrating, but not much you can do. If your DD tells you she's frustrated, encourage her to stop sharing all of her plans and ideas with this girl. That will cut down on some of it, but not all, because everything can't be a secret. Know that others surely notice the copying behavior of this daughter/mom as well. It's envy, and it may also be about the girls mom not being able to say no. Your DD can only control herself, not this other girl or her mom. Your DD CAN choose to stop getting together with her one on one if she is annoying. If they have a mutual friend group, your DD can choose whether or not to join those functions if they include this girl.
My 12 year old has an antagonistic peer (former friend) with A LOT of shared friends between them. After a lot of drama, she's stopped getting together with this girl one on one, and will also avoid getting together with her if it's a group of 3. If it's a party, school activity, or anything with more than 3, she usually goes along for the benefit of the company of the other girls. If she wants just one on one friend time, she plans and accepts get-togethers with different friends.
Poor kiddo. I was a nanny for a family and 2 of their daughters were close in age. The younger one wanted everything the older one got. It would bring the older girl to tears. They had several older sisters too so it was just that they were so close in age I think.
It was so h*** o* the older sis because she felt she had no identity at all.
I think if you help her understand it's a backhanded compliment and that she should pity this other girl maybe it will help her learn sympathy/empathy.
I'm glad I got to read your whole post and your "So What Happened" all together. I don't agree with the posts below that claim that you're the problem, etc. You're a bright women who is trying to figure out how to teach your daughter how to effectively deal with mean girls. Good for you!
I suggest the books "Little Girls Can Be Mean" and also "Queen Bees and Wannabees." Read them both. They are excellent resources for you to teach your daughter how to navigate through this mean girl stuff, and how to create smart, kind, and healthy boundaries to protect herself.
Best of luck!
Wow! It sounds like you're the one with the inferiority complex, not the "one-upper" child that you're bemoaning. You're teaching your daughter to be a 'mean girl' by putting her on a pedestal and not heeding the advice of the other women here who are suggesting you treat it as 'no big deal,' and propose that 'imitation is the best form of flattery'... do you have your own issues from childhood? Are you that insecure???
The fact that you've slanted the information to your mother enough to have her call the child an SWF says a ton. You do realize you're talking about a SEVEN year old, don't you???
And I also assume you went running to mommy when your child was affronted... although, honestly, like the others here, I don't think that's an accurate explanation...
Please spellcheck un-words like "engratisting"... not a word, honey!
If you need a confidence booster so badly that you'd frame your situation online as you have, then you're obviously the aggressor and perhaps the more "doting" mom. This isn't the forum for backhanded self-compliments. Separate your self-worth from your daughter's status a bit and Get. A. Life.
I was reading your "So What Happened". It sounds like the child is over indulged and that has caused her social development to be stunted.
I had a "friend" like that in school. It was very annoying for me. She was a very spoiled only child. To make it worse, we had the same first name. haha! She would have to have the same lunch box, shoes, stickers, etc. When we were in 1st grade or so, she went as far as to start saying that her birthday was the same as mine. As a kid I thought that was really weird, and now as an adult it seems kind of creepy.
Eventually it was outgrown. After a few years, being EXACTLY like someone else wasn't as cool as "standing out from the crowd".
Your daughter can just wait it out, which will probably be frustrating for her, or she can just start ignoring the girl.
If you want you can tell her that she is the original and the other girl is the knock off, but that sounds kind of mean...
This is ripe for a set-up! If I were your daughter, I would make things up - like she's starting tennis lessons. Then, let the girl get signed up, just to find out your daughter is NOT taking lessons. Do this a few times - the mom will get tired of running around signing her daughter up, paying fees, etc., just to have her daughter quit because YOUR daughter is not doing it. I know it's a bit passive-aggressive, but what fun! Other than that, teach your daughter to accept it as a compliment, don't give the girl any head space and just keep on being who she is!
