Car Rides Home Are Terrible!!!!

Here's a great website for challenging kids: sizzlebop.com.

Are you able to stay home and homeschool? Sometimes there are things you can do, like giving more attention, making some dietary changes, seeing if she requires more challenges because she's bored...But there are kids that just have temperaments different from the "norm" and it will always take extra effort to deal with them effectively. Sizzle bop is really good at pointing out the positives and helping you feel like you're not alone.

Sometimes these kids just don't fit in public school, either. Homeschooling is a great option if you have the commitment and can manage financially. There is a huge support network for it in Houston too.

Best to you.

Have you talked with your children's doctor? These outbursts could be signs that something is not quite right. It could be as simple as a chemical inbalance or food allergy. That is where I would start. If your doctor isn't interested in helping you get to the bottom of this behavior, I would seek a second opinion.....

Every action she is taking is for attention. You have to use tough love on her. If she is acting up, give her time out. Be sure to reinfource that why she is in time out and reinfource that you love her. If you have problems with her in the car. Stop the car. Don't proceed until she is belted properly.
Have some mommy and daughert alone time doing something she likes. You and your husband can switch out with each twin. This way they both get the same amount of alone time with each parent. Also, plan some fun family events. Go to the park as a family, etc. This type of family outting is inexpensive and fun. Do you watch supper nanny? I love this show and have learned a lot. They have introduced so much that is helpful.

A.,
Right off the bat, I think I can see something maybe you have not noticed. That is you have one good kid and one bad kid; let me explain. It is, according to things, I've read and watched concerning twins, very usual for kids that are twins to try and find a way to be noticed. They are constantly in competition, especially with regard to their place in the family (actually I think this is common with most kids trying to gain the attention children want). Somewhere you have fallen into the "good kid" "bad kid" trap. I posit to you that your son is not the epitomy of good and your daughter is not the epitomy of bad. Children will get attention anyway they can and if your daughter feels the position of "good child" is filled by her brother then she will look for your attention EVEN if she has to do bad things to get your attention.

I would suggest you begin to make a great deal of extra effort to notice everytime your daughter does a good thing and praise her for it..look for places to make comments about how well she has done, how proud you are of her, how she can make other people happy with her behavior etc. This won't change her overnight, but with time, perserverance and diligence I bet you will see a change. It is hard to live in the shadow of the firstborn "great, we can take him anywhere" child.

Kids also have different ways of dealing with life and some are just easier than others...sounds like she is running you and your husband with her behavior and language and such. I would think that if you learn some ways to discipline her, to guide her and gain control at home, then going out will be just like it is at home. Your daughter is 5 and you should be running her not the other way around. Take control, watch Supernanny and see how lack of control over the home by parents is the cause... not the child. Child do what we allow them to do. I know this is hard to hear, but it is truth.

A., as a daycare owner, I've seen this behavior many times before. Be really careful with how you respond to your daughter. She is looking for her identity in sharing. It is not uncommon that once you get her straight, your boy takes on the identity she bagged. I'm going to give you some suggestions. Do this with each of them until it subsides. And it WILL! On your way to the vehicle, hold BOTH their hands and while locking them into their seats, say to each of them, "mommy wants you to be safe. I can't live if I lose either of you. Let me buckle your belt for you. Keep it over your shoulder, even if it hurts your neck. It will keep you from being hurt if some crazy person who doesn't know or care about us hits us!" EVERY time you communicate with them, with a smile, longingly (like you are so focused on them as an individual right now) look them into the eyes. Don't take deep breaths or raise your voice when they do things to get your attention. Bend your knees to their level and ask, "what is it you need?" OR "what were you saying?" This is for ANY conversation for here on. THE GROCERY STORE! One good choice is the annoying basket that allows them to feel as if they are driving. Before leaving the house...if dad is at home use this. Act like you're thinking out loud in front of them. "Hmm. I sure need a few things from the store. You guys want to go or stay here with dad?" Respect the response. Whomever wants to go with you, lay down the law with that stern voice AND a smile...okay, when we get to the register, you can pick one item from the candy shelf -IF- you can mind your manners. I mean it! Run in the store or make loud outbursts and you get nothing." Invite your daughter to crack the egg into the glass measuring cup when preparing breakfast or stirring something for dinner. Let her stand on a chair and help when cooking. Find something insignificant she can do that will make her feel included. Giving in to their demands does not make them feel valuable. It makes them feel like, "okay! Now, Shut-up!" Start using this tactic..."If you don't listen to me, I don't listen to you." When they clown you publicly, don't yell or show frustration. Don't get bent out of shape. Wait until they ask you for something and look into that little eye with a stern voice (no smile) and say, "I asked you to...., but you didn't listen to me, so I don't hear you." It works.

I have fraternal twins myself.They are 16 now but I had the same problems. My son is Autistic so he was slower with his learning and all. His sister was terable as with your daughter.We had to get things that went on there wrist and then on yours just to keep her with you.It was a given with her brother that we had to do that with him.I for get what they are called. You can find them at Toys R Us.She wouldn't stay sitting down in the car so she went back into her car seat.She didn't like it haveing to go to schoolin her car seat for her friends to see. But that was the way it was till she was 6 or 7 years old and she would finally sit down.When eather one of my twins would through things they went in Time out. One minute for what ever there age so say the child is 5 it would be five minutes. and every time they would come out of time out before time they got another minute added on.We are still working on the bad language.It is a high school thing now with there friends.My son all I have to do is take the post presus thing in the word away from him that means the most to him. His computer. He is autistic but his computer is his world.When she throws some thing take it away.If she brakes some thing while throwing it she has to find a way to fix it or replace it.Give he a couple little jobs to do around the house. Such as maybe picking up her room (with some direction. Kids like to have a parent help give direction on room picking up)Maybe dusting or some thing little that you think she could handle. Give her an allwance evey week and it some thing gets broken she has to save the money to replace what ever what brakes.Good luck with you twins.

Get counselling.
Marge

Hi A.,

It sounds like you have a willful child there! She sounds very like my daughter, and how you feel about it sounds a lot like how I have felt. Reading about willful children has been really helpful, and so has getting a bit of family counseling -- that was especially necessary for us because we moved to Ireland for a year when my daughter was five and her already difficult behavior became completely impossible to live with. I can't (or would rather not) recount some of the humiliating public scenes I lived through during our first month or two in Dublin -- a cousin of mine who is an expert in early childhood development suggested that if I needed to do a restraint in public and her screams drew a crowd, that I should say that we were re-filming a scene from the Exorcist and the crowd was wrecking the camera angle. The humor helped a lot. Another thing that helped was staying in close contact with my partner and also with my daughter's other caregivers -- it was very helpful to identify one behavior at a time to work on, because otherwise I felt completely overwhelmed. Focusing on one problem behavior at a time (and it could be quite general, like not listening or following directions) helped me feel less overwhelmed and also helped me to feel like I had a team to work on things with, since it gave me one thing i could ask my husband and J's teacher at school to work on too. I know for my willful kid, divisions or noncommunication among her caretakers really allowed her a lot of leeway, and when we closed those gaps, her behavior and also her mood improved. It also helped for me to pick and stay connected to people who were positive and supportive and to not talk about my childcare issues with people who were negative or subtly or blatantly competitive, uncomprehending or critical. I think when one has a willful child, especially as a mother, one can feel like a failure and feel desperate to "do" more, and in my case, anyway, doing so much, talking so much, whining, nagging, threatening, etc., was part of the problem, so if I though I was being seen critically, it actually fed my compulsion to do things that didn't work and only made my daughter feel even more overly-empowered. A few places where I got ideas that helped were the book _Sleepless in America_ -- if there is any chance your daughter may not be getting ALL the sleep she needs, that book may actually offer a quick fix for the whole thing -- and Love and Logic -- some classes are taught from time to time in Houston. There are also a few books with Willful Child in the title that have been very helpful. I'm sure you'll get help from folks who know about twins, which I don't, but I hope my experiences with a willful five year old daughter will be of some help. Oh -- another idea I got from my cousin the kid expert is called "ice cream time," and it's about sitting down with the kid when things are pleasant and calm, over some pleasant family activity like ice cream, and discussing an episode of misbehavior calmly and maybe getting some information from the kid about what was going on for them when they were doing it -- sometimes the kid may learn more about their own triggers as well as parents learning what may be going on -- what the kid sees as the relevant variables -- sometimes being able to discuss problems when the kid isn't worked up allows everyone to develop some ideas about what could be handled differently next time. I also find it useful when my daughter has "broken the law" and I am completely exasperated about whatever bizarre thing she has just done and my brain is full of white noise, sometimes I ask her what *she* thinks would be a fair consequence -- often she comes up with good consequences that are stricter than I would have come up with, and of course when she has picked it, there's no power-struggle in implementing it.

Good news -- a recent research study shows that kids who have trouble listening and behaving themselves in kindergarten and first grade have no significant differences from well-behaved kids in later grades. So in other words, maybe your daughter is just a little delayed in learning the social skills that her brother has already mastered, and it is as much a matter of time as anything. I do believe time itself has brought our daughter back out of the periodic whirlpools of disorganized, temperamental awfulness that she gets into with every developmental spiral -- I will say I do not look forward to a trouble-free adolescence with this kid, but having seen her fall apart and reassemble herself now several times, I have confidence that however tumultuous her growth spurts may be, the butterfly that emerges from those cocoons of willful, disorganized meanness is always worthy of her (and my) struggles.

Best wishes,
M.

Best wishes!

Oh my gosh A., I just read this book The Spirited Child - sounds just like your child! I bet she's super smart and challenges you at every turn! Has to touch everything, always questioning everything, doesn't like change and everything has to be just so.... there are several things you can do to make life easier for you. Some of them are rewards like being able to go out to breakfast with you on Saturday (or whatever is her thing) morning if she can stay in her seat (however you might want to think about a 5 point harness for a 5 year old). With my son I have to plan my grocery list according to the layout of the store so that he can be a very active part of shopping and if he can do his "job" then when we get home we play his favorite game. It can be challenging at times and I'll admit that sometimes I just lose it and yell but for the most part it's wonderful having someone around me who is so spirited. That is as long as I do my job and think ahead and have fun and try to make it fun! Oh yeah, I take him running everyday and we have a trampoline that when I'm busy and he needs to expends that extra energy I ask him to go jump on his trampoline and we have it set up so I can watch him and that makes him happy.

This is funny in away, my advice may not be much, but guess what? I am a fraternal twin myself and growing up my brother was your daughter(misbehaves). I too have a child(my son)who sounds just like your daughter maybe worse and he's 3 going on 4. I've tried spankings, time outs, counting to 3 or even 10, bribing and even sweetly talking to him and I've found out that letting him have the moment seems to work. His tantrums don't last as long and he cries himself out faster if i just ignore him. I know this can be irritating and embaressing and you may feel like your not parenting, but the more attention i give to that tantrum the more he eggs it on, kinda like adding fuel to the fire. maybe you can give me some pointers if you think that won't work. good luck

A., this may be a moot question, but have you had her checked out to see if she needs some kind of medication? I only say that because two of my grand children have been. One was on ridalyn,(sp.?), and not sure what the other one is on.But his daddy was Bi-polar, and he just has some behavior problems. Don't know if he is bi-polar yet. Your little girl just sounds like, maybe she needs some help like my older grand son did. He bounced off the walls, and would throw fits all the time. He grew out of it, when he was in his teens. Stangely enough, you'd think it would get worse, but I guess he found other ways to control himself, and focus his energies elsewhere. He got into "music", and I use the term loosely, LOL. You know the new stuff some of the kids like. But, his mom and dad are terrific parents, and supported him, and he is the youngest too. They have two older children, girls, who are beautiful, talented mothers, and wives. I'm sure there are people who might give you some advice that may make more sense to you, but I can understand your frustration, and fears. I had a son who was "different", and could have used some Meds. but we just called him "hyperactive", and that he was, at home, but not at school. The teachers said he never caused a problem. Okay, this is not supposed to be about me, and mine. Sorry. God bless you and your family. Granny B.(Judy) P.S. After reading what all the rest of the responses were, I don't feel like mine is nonsense. Bottom line is...every one is different, and how they respond is different. None of us are perfect, and we are all here to LEARN, and HELP each other as much as we can. We do the best we can. Life is a JOURNEY, not a destination. Keep yourself healthy, and sleep is one of the main things that help ALL of us. Try NOT to feel guilty..we all make mistakes, and some of us just think we don't. LOL

For a holistic approach to your daughters behavior there is a lady in Plano who can help you. Her website it northtexasdynamichealth.com. I know people who have used her, including myself for other things, and she has great success stories.
If you want more info from me about her just e-me.

TS

Well, I have been in some really hairy carpool situations in my life - I can't help thinking of the Supernanny show I watch, where was she when my kids were young! I am not sure of the discipline techniques you are using - but she has great ideas - and I think there is a book out - but you are the parent - and now that you have 5 year olds - you can have a family pow-wow and discuss how everyone's actions affect the entire family and in order for "all" to feel safe and happy there must be family rules and let them help make up those rules and post them on a poster in the house, be sure and cover the circumstances you mentioned as well and the consequences if rules are broken
You as the parent must be willing to be consistent -- with the consequences set down by you and your husband, we used the time-out technique and it works, but you must have a designated spot in the house, the car, etc.. where you set your child and if they keep getting up you take them right back there and look them in the eye and tell them why they are in time out - and reinforce the type of actions you wish to see. When your child sees you are in control of yourself, you have a consequence set in place and you will use it - and you will be consistent - your children's actions will improve. Please don't forget to reward good behavior when you see it, a hug, a smile, a thank you. There seems to be some sibling rivalry going on - maybe your daughter thinks your son is treated better, she is not astute enough to know why, you did give a glowing description of him. I for one would not take her to places - find a sitter and let her know when she can control her actions in the stores, etc. then she can go with you and enjoy a treat after. Her privileges are up to her -- let her own her actions by consequences. Let's face all children know when we parents are not in control - we become demanding, angry, make threats, that they know will not be followed thru - I remember one Mom while grocery shopping picked her kids up left her cart and got in the car and went home - put her kids in time out and told them why - it shocked them so much - they began behaving better in public. Another mom friend had numerous children and driving in the family van was a trial - she pulled over one day and turned off the car and stood outside for a good while and when she returned said, "this van will go no further until everyone is sitting properly and quiet" Again they were so shocked not a word was uttered the entire way -- I would keep a magazine in the car and sit on the hood and read - that way they know you could stay occupied for quite some time! If she continues to have outburst, especially the cursing part - you may need more professional help and a good physical work up on your child, there may be some underlying problems. good luck - and keep your cool - after all you are "the Mom".

Have her tested it maybe more than a behavoral problem.

Hi A. C. Have you had your daughter evaluated by a professional? It sounds like you are a great mom, however the problem may be something out of your control. Having her checked would be my advice to you. Also since you are preparing her for school, do you have time to work with colors, numbers,with puzzles etc? These things will occupy her time, being consistant and giving recongnition for completing the task may be a good start. Talk to her, ask how she feels, what makes her on happy? I have friends who use the time out method at home and good behavior is rewarded when they go out. Please stress the importance of why she should not run off from you, share movie time that shows families, with parents and children interacting. Give her shores starting with her room, setting the table and cleaning up after meal time. This shows responsibility. Let her know that when she goes to school, everyone will have to behave and do their work. Good Luck, let me know what the professionals say.
I'm O., 48 year old grand mother (Nyra 2mo) in the workforce. Married 24 years with 2 daughters ages 19 and 21 both in college and a son in-law. P.S. A. C. you are a mother and you can do this. Be encouraged :)

I don't mean to downplay your little girl A. but I couldn't help but laugh when I read your story. It sounded exactly like my children, only I have two girls, not twins, one is going to be 3 and the other going to be 7.

I always felt the need to discipline them both when they were HORRIBLE but then my mother said something once to me that kind of stuck, Their behavior is part of their character, the more you change that, the more you change them. This is not to say you don't discipline them, just be careful how you do.

I stopped going out with them, especially to restaurants. You would think my almost seven year old would know how to act but sometimes its just the opposite! She gets my three year old to do things that are very dangerous for her to do!

Don't worry about your little girl being a cute polite little girl, she isn't going to be. Enjoy her for her flamboyance, her loudness, her screams, for one day, she may conquer the world. Of course you may not live to see it, just kidding.

My three year old does some of the things you describe of your five year old. But she is also like your son, she is well aware of her behavior and is very smart about it. She knows how to manipulate the situation already, can you believe that? Appreciate him for who he is, but don't expect your daughter to be anything like him. I had to give up the dream as well.

My kids are exact opposites and they hardly ever get along. And sometimes I sit back and pray about their future (and mine), because I see the calls to the office coming, the fights they will have over nothing, as teens, etc.

My sister has always told me, take care of them now, so you don't have to when they are older, it will be much harder, if at all possible then.

I hope this helps, I just felt compelled to respond to you.

I think that when we parents have a complacent child and a "wild" child, the tendency is to think that since the parenting we use works on the complacent child, it should work on the wild child also; therefore it must be the child's fault. Reality is, though, that we MUST NOT parent our unique children in completely the same way. Love and Logic is a great book and worth reading, but I feel that a parenting class such as Growing Kids God's Way would really benefit your entire family. There, you would have ongoing support as all of you learn to let Mom and Dad instead of daughter be in charge. Check with local churches to see if any off this class on an ongoing basis. Blessings!

A., I have a question...Did you ever see your daughter have any strange almost epileptic type fit when she was still a baby? I'm just curious. I have a son who behaved in this manner when he was little. I had trouble with him wanting to bite other children. I had to stay on top of him every minute. There was once when he got upset at school and tumbled over some desks, threw books, papers and whatever else all over the classroom. The teacher and students were terrified. This happened when he was about 1st grade. Every year, I've gone through the school officials wanting me to put him on drugs, but no doctor can tell me what is wrong. He's a teen now and he's not so bad. He still have moments were his behavior is just really strange and his mean side starts showing.

Anyway when my son was just starting to walk, one day his body threw down on the floor and he had the strangest fit I've ever seen. Both my parents witnessed it. Just as sudden as the fit started, it just stopped and he acted liked nothing happened. My parents and I were in complete shock. I've told doctors about it. I thought maybe something happened of importance and could be a link to his behavior problem. I've told doctors about it and they just look at me like I'm crazy.

So I thought maybe there are others out there that the same thing happened. I've always thought...maybe something happened to him that day to cause his problems. If there are others with the same patterns, maybe doctors will listen and try to find out what is going on inside.

I'm sorry, I know that doesn't help you now. I suffered through the same bad behavior and I don't have an anwser. What might work to get them to calm down today probably won't work tomorrow. It is just a battle of love that has to be done. It does get better as they get older, mine did. I've cried alot...I've tried some drugs for him, but I just had to keep going day by day the best I can.

She's your active one! I recommend lots of exercise whenever you can. During the car-ride, you can try listening to kid-music, or playing some game of distraction like I-spy or find the letter in the road signs, etc. I have 3-year-old girl who is like that and does better when we can run, jump, and play for hours on end. We have a small trampoline in the house (a rebounder) that she can jump on. I set up my living room so we can run around the whole room when the furniture is pushed closer to center. Sometimes, I have my 15-year-old stay with my 1-year-old, so I can take my 3-year-old out to run/walk for about a mile or so. She is always full of energy and if I don't expend it, she will have energy bursts where she hit or throw things at her sister. She can be so sweet and loving and even take naps, as long as she gets a lot more exercise than you realize. On rainy days, like yesterday, I watched for a break in the storms. Then, I took her out with her bike on training wheels and we went out for quite a ways. Sometimes she needs a slight rest, and then we start again. I always bring a water bottle for her. Some kids have endless energy, and some kids don't. I think that is where athletics will come in handy. We can't do soccer until the Fall, but she'll be one that will need to do sports of some kind. It is just in her nature! Good luck! - S. K.

I see you already have great advice from the other moms. I highly recommend LOVE AND LOGIC. They have books and videos for parents of kids of all ages. We have toddler twins and use LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC FOR EARLY CHILDHOOD: BIRTH THROUGH AGE 6.
Many foster parents with our agency use it on foster children from toddlers to teenagers and have found the techniques work on all ages, no matter how bad the behavior already was when they came to their home. It works even if the child has ADD/ADHD, developmental problems, or is emotionally disturbed. I am also a teacher and have seen parents who follow the love and logic philosophy turn around serious behavior problems.
Using these books does not replace talking to your pediatrician or a referred specialist about your daughter, but this is an awesome resource based on years of research with families of all backgrounds and with a variety of issues. Best wishes with your daughter.

Cover her with Love and Show her what you want. She is feeling left behind. She was probably the smallest baby. She thinks she has to fight for everything: your attention, food, nurturing, complements, understanding,etc. The object is to show her what you want from her. She does not see you like the way your son acts, she only sees he gets all the your attention. Try not to yell, use restrait instead. She will slowing come around.

It sounds like your daughter is acting out to get your attention. You and your husband need to spend quality time just with her. Make a big deal out of it. Reinforce the good things that she does. It is super important to have a qual surrounding. The crazier she gets the calmer you and your husband need to remane. Watch Supernanny!

I have an almost 5 yr old son as well and he used to do the same thing and still does curse and misbehave when we go out sometimes. What I do is tell him that I am taking away an item that he likes: the TV, the DVD player, the Computer, toys, etc. It works most of the time with him and it is getting better but it did take a while for it to work with him. When we are out and he acts bad I tell him srtaighten up or you will not come with me next time. Some kids are more obstinent than others. My freinds' kids are calmer than my son and they listen. It is gonna be a tough road and my son starts school too in August so I can understand your plight.

I do feel for you! My oldest (5) has Asperger Syndrome and it's miserable sometimes! She acts very much like that. I bought the Britax Regent which holds the child in a harness up to 80 lbs- no more coming out of the seat while I am driving.

I also put her on a gluten free diet. I wanted to try it just to see if her behavior improved. After a month I wasn't so sure it was helping so I took her off it and BAM after two days she was a MONSTER and stayed that way for a week. I put her back on the gluten free diet and she is much better, but if she has gluten the next day she's a monster again.

My mom said she found that red dye and apples did that to me and a friend of mine says sugar does that to her daughter! Hey- a child can live without sugar or red dye or apples or wheat or whatever they are sensitive too, and it's worth the diet for behavior improvement.

Evaluate her diet, talk to your pediatrician, ect. The sooner you can get things under control the better for you AND for her. I chose to homeschool because I don't think the school will be able to teach her as well as I can teach her!

Feel freem to PM me.

S., mom to four girls

I suggest you talk to your pediatrician soon. As a public school teacher of over 25 years, it sounds like she may have adhd or some other emotional problem. I think you should have her tested and find out before she starts school. The problems will never get any better until you do something for her. If you are concerned about medication, there are lots of other options available. Be a positive advocate for her.

Hey A.. ou have already received much advice on this and much of it varies as greatly as east from west so I hope that you are not even more confused then before at this point. So I will endeaver to keep my words of advice short and sweet. I do not know what you use for discipline but I have never seen anything that has worked as efectively as this 2000 year old hebrew practice...
Spanking. It is important to remeber though to clearly define in your own heart what behaviour is actually willfuly doing something that is WRONG, verses just doing somthing that is annoying, childish or embarasses your ego.
Remember, creating a child that is plastic, perfect and and always behaves as the society dictates is not the goal. developing a child into an adult that is humble, obeidient, stable thinking and kind is the goal. Manners are over rated. Show your child that life is much easier and less painfull when they submissively obey God (by obeying you) then when they act upon their every feeling and seek to gratify it at any cost.
Just my two cents.

Wow...it sounds like you got your hands full. Is she still in a car seat if not you might consider getting one, one that she cant take the seat belts off herself. In the car make sure there is nothing near her that she can throw. If she cursing and going on in the car or store she needs to have time out. If she moves from the time out space, keep on putting her back no matter how many time it takes. You have to stand your ground, i promise she will get tired before you do. You would be surprised how ar you would get with ignoren her. If shes throwing fits like in the store put her in the buggy, let her know why shes in there and ignore her calling and screaming. I hope my advice will help you. Good luck with everything.