Burnt Out Mom

http://www.bbbsco.org/

The link is for the Big Brothers Big Sisters Organization.

I recommend this.

My friend was a single Mom and has a son that age....and he was just sort of lost and did not have a point to things and was at the age that he needed a "male" role-model.
She got her son a "Big Brother." She said it was wonderful.
Her son... needed a GOOD POSITIVE male role-model.
Her Ex Husband... was just NOT a real great guy... nor with Parenting.
This organization does Mentoring for children.

Do this, before he reaches the pre-teen (Tween) ages or teen ages. Then it will get harder....

all the best,
Susan

Sorry for your situation, sounds like your son is very angry and he is taking it out on you because you are the adult he loves and trusts and feels he can get away with it. That is very common--he can't rely on his dad, so he wouldn't feel safe to be angry with him. He has alot of misplaced anger and I would definitely get him into some counseling so you can work through these issues now while he is 8. If you don't these things are going to spiral out of control when he is a teen. Try and hang in there mom--you are doing a good job, but it sounds like your sone really needs you right now and an 8 year old has an easier time just saying "I hate you" then articulating their real feelings of anger. I wish you the best.

OMG! You sound like a very loving mama at her whits end! It sounds like you and your little guy are going through a rough time:(

I'm a new mama of a 9 month old so don't have personal parent experience with this kind of situation but when I was a nanny the little boy I cared for did the same exact thing to his mother! It was obnoxious! I'll share what work I did with the mother and son in hopes it might help?

First, it's bullying behavior and what I I know about bullies is they are very insecure and need to control in order to not feel so out of control. The problem is, he's too young to feel safe having control and needs his parents to relieve that pressure for him. The first thing we did was to establish what he was allowed to do with him (he had to be part of the process so it could be referred to at times of consequence and reward...follow the contract as it's written and remind him when need be). This way he knew what positive things and rewards to expect for positive behavior. Then we made a very short list of things he wasn't allowed to do with him...some things only he wasn't allowed to do because he was the child and this was explained briefly...briefly! Then we listed what NO ONE was allowed to do, even parents. This was to assure him that no one is allowed to be mean or disrespectful without consequence. It was tough at first for the parents to agree to, but by having him enforce consequences for meanness it taught him why it's important to be nice. His young mind needed to experience both sides to 'get it'.

The idea is, as he ages and expectations change, he has a role to boost confidence and help him truly know what to expect if he violates the contract).

When he was mean, there was no discussion at first (because it was so frequent), just an immediate time out and loss of a privellege (game, toy, etc.). After the consequence there was a discussion about how he can manage his feelings different next time and what the parents can do to help him next time if he is unsure of what to do. He ended up asking for a time out in an area he decorated with art for when he felt he needed space before blowing up and having a consequence.

It hurts when your child says mean things to you and is difficult not to feel wounded. Just know he probably doesn't hate you so much as is unable to process his emotions adequately at such a young age...he needs your help. Don't let any form of disrespect slide by...no rolling eyes or mumblings. But don't get angry either. Express it hurts your feelings to hear because you love him but that the rules are the rules.

I also had the parents take special fun time each week to build their positive attachment. Just fun. If something happened negative during the fun time, maybe leave and tell him you'll try again tomorrow and that for awhile it was fun and can't wait to try again tomorrow.

If you have rewards and love, and consequences (discipline not punishment, because we want long lasting success), typically children respond well. The little boy I nannied for took about 2 weeks to make significant progress and within a month the parents said they were so happy to have their son back! He never left, it just felt that way because they were all stuck, especially the little boy.

Be firm, consistent, praise when earned (no praise for simple things like breathing!) And remind yourself he loves you but when he bullies you, he doesn't love himself much.

Not sure if this helps or if there are things happening that go beyond this. Just know he most likely feels safest when he knows who the parent his and when he isn't allowed outside clearly marked perameters. Maybe try to get dad on board. If dad won't go along, still have it set up to where your son has no doubts as to what to expect in your home for both rewards and consequences. His teachers and peers will thank you once he gets to age 10 for sure!

Good luck, hang tough, and when you think of it, remind yourself he only has one mama and needs her to be assertive and loving...both...not one or the other:)

I've told my children many times that they may not like me from time to time but they will ALWAYS respect me.
Right now you need to show him some tough love.
Maybe try letting his attitude and words roll off your shoulders. Don't give him a reaction, but don't let him cross the line into being disrespectful.

Have you discussed this with his dad? With the therapist? If your son is in therapy already, then maybe it's time for everyone (including Dad) to sit in together on the therapy sessions. Dad needs to realize that he is undermining everything you are trying to do and he needs to start backing you up and let your son know that treating his mother that way is unacceptable. You guys may not be married anymore, but you both still need to parent together. Maybe family counseling would be more helpful.

I would also try reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk." It may help with communicating with your son and getting on the same page.

JUST ADDED: You posted a question back in June about your boyfriend, complaining that you and he had been dating for 2 years but he still wasn't that close to your son and that he had stated he wasn't a "family man" - could that have anything to do with anything? What happened with that?

I do not have first hand experience however my husband's parents divorced when he was maybe 10 years old, and his parents had very different parenting styles. His mom's house was the "fun" house where anything goes: friends could come over whenever, no limits on tv or gaming, etc. His mom is a wonderful woman but definitely was not strict at all. His dad's house was the opposite: very structured, jobs from the time they got home from school, very limited tv. I know that when my husband was a teenager, he decided he would waaaay rather be at his mom's house than at structured dad's, and he ended up living there for the rest of teenage years. Now that he is an adult, he has a great relationship with both parents and actually really admires his dad and the way he parented him. I would stick with what you are doing in terms of structure- your little guy might not love it but I do feel that it is best for kids and it will mold him into a better person- and try to have a bit more fun with your boy if you can. Maybe a weekly date night where he gets to choose what you two do, as long as you are hanging out together? (Even if it's the 2 of you playing video games). Good luck

If you can, invest in the Love and Logic DVDs that talk about raising a child with respect. They are great for this kind of thing. By the way, my sister has two stepsons who came to live with her when they were eight and they were horribly disrespectful to her and their father. But she and her husband got them turned around pretty quickly. Same thing - at their mother's house they had no rules at all. It was insane. In any case, I can tell you that time and time again I've seen kids who have lived with separated parents and they are always more likely to want to be in the place with the rules and regulations. Kids need limits and they feel more comfortable and safe when they have rules and regulations. Hang in there! My sisters stepsons would now do anything to live with her and her husband again, but the ruleless mother insisted on having them back again because her new husband is a family man. Sigh.

It sounds like you should really have a talk with his father about being more of a parent to him rather than a friend =( He's making you look like the bad guy, even though you're the better parent. My mom was a single parent too and my brother acted that way, until he actually lived with my dad and realized how awful he is. You're not a bad mom.. kids just don't know what they're saying!
I hope things get better for you.. which they will, don't worry.

Well first off, I wouldnt allow my child to disrespect me by telling me hurtful things. My teenager who is now 14yo, knows with the quickness I brought you in this world and I will be quick to take you out. (a word of speech, but he definitly knows what i am saying). There comes a time when all lil boys need their father, but when that time is or even if the father is ready for this depends on the parents. And if the father is not capable or in my case not around, the mother needs to man up and let the child no that you are superior over him. I remember the day my son who was 11 at the time stood up to me, kinda challenging me. I jumped up so fast in his face and demanded the respect. Its a lesson all lil boys need, and its up to the parents to correct it. Parents always do whats best for their children and there is no wrong or right way we do what we feel at the moment. And learn as we go. But as for me respect and trust, are whats big in my eyes. I always demand to be respected, and even my sons friends know that in my house I demend to be respected or you will be waiting at the front step for your parents.
Good luck!

this may not work for your son, but on of my my step daughter's was acting the same way, only towards both mom, dad and her sister, and BIG TIME towards me, totally rebelling, then my mom finally brought up the thought that we're still showing we felt sorry for her, and needed to stop to get her to get her act together. so finally one day (probably should've been her mom or dad saying this, but i'm much harder on kids than most agree with-xept my dh who see's me just as h*** o* my own, yet a well behaved child). told her if she's still having problems with a paticular issue, to talk to someone the way a civilized human should handle problems, or sit down and shut up. and we quit giving her sympathy at our house, things turned around FAST at our house.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this! It breaks our heart when our beloved kids turn on us. My son went thru some real problems which I blame on his bio Dad but his bio dad isnt around to suffer thru it just me! Have you tried family counseling? At 8 he is too young to appreciate parenting and how you are giving him what he needs. (someday he may appreciate but that doesnt help you now!) Can you take away visits with his Dad? would his dad care? have the counselor back you up that visits with his Dad is only hurting him? You def need the help of a professional I can only offer sympathy and wish things get better

He could possibly have a medical condition too. Have you taken him to the doctors concerning it? My niece was a frustrating child also and got progressively worse. Turns out she has aspergers.

My 8 almost 9 year old daughter is just the same & her Dad & I both get it, we aren't divorced. I have stopped buying anything but necessities for her & if she wants anything beyond that she has to earn it by having a good attitude picking up after herself. A friend suggested throwing her stuff away she doesn't pick up, however the problem is that is all of her clothes & shoes. I am not going to bite my nose off to spite my face.
She gets not time on computer , TV, Wii or to play with friends because of her bad attitude.
I have been making the effort to have more physical activity in her life that seems to help.
I am seriously thinking about having her go to one of those extreme kids camps.

Be strict. He can lose TV and other privileges for being rude. My daughter went though a long time like this and now her son has matured. It's lots easier being in the house with them. He made honors list at school.
Maturity will take care of the problems he has but you must demand respect in a non-violent way.
Also make time to be at play with him. Go to the zoo, to Omsi, on a bike ride along the river. Do something like that every week. It'll build your relationship in a positive manner.

I second Shelley S in her recommendation of the Love and Logic methods. You might be able to find a low cost class, taught by local school counselors, on Parenting With Love and Logic. The DVD and books are probably available at your library, as well as at bookstores. This program combines empathy with consequences for misbehavior. If you apply it consistently, you'll be amazed at how quickly you can turn around your son's behavior. Good luck.