Building a Good Relationship with My Sons Fiance/et My Grandsons Mom

Hi M. -

You sound like an awesome Mom/Grandmom! When my daughter was in daycare as a baby, the daycare had a chart with all the days feedings/diaper changes/etc. This way I knew when she was fed & when she had BMs & what she was up to all day.
I also provided the diapers, clothes & made up bottles to bring.

I agree with all the other posters that you need to set up a meeting with the two parents to set boundaries. Esp the being late part, what if they were expecting you to be somewhere with the baby & you were late? As a parent, I'd be worried sick unless I received a phone call.

If DIL is worried about formula consumption, ask her to make up the bottles ahead of time to bring everyday.

When Olivia was baby, I paid $235 a week for baby care (6 weeks to 16 mos) and that was 5 years ago. Now I pay $55 a week for after school care (3pm to 6pm).

Best wishes!!!
H.

I am a child care provider, and one of mt families used to send their son to his aunt's house before they came to me. After about a year of that arrangement, they decided there were a lot of reasons to change; but one thing that amazed them when they came to me was my contract. They said things might actually have been a lot smoother if they'd had one of those with Auntie. It just makes a huge difference when you both know what's expected of you.

I would try to sit down with both of them (or just her, if that's the only practical way) and discuss any things that have caused conflict or confusion. And I would have a basic contract already printed. Have in it things like appropriate drop-off and pick-up times and how to handle it if they change, what you are responsible for providing and what they supply (and I charge parents and have them supply diapers! They should be grateful to have someone doing it for free and happily supply you with diapers etc!), and perhaps his feeding schedule if she feels you're using too much formula (then you could agree on when and how much in advance). Kids are really lucky when they can spend their time with someone who loves them as much as mom and dad, but good communication is the key to making that work.

Good luck!

It sounds like there a some boundaries that need to be made that maybe where not set (maybe didn't know that you would need) before you started to watch him. As far as her questioning you try not to take it personal. When I had my first nobody knew anything and I was constantly questioning every caregiver. Maily because I wanted to know about her day. You could start to do what many daycares do and have a daily recap sheet. Write down each diaper change wet and bm, time of feedings and how much, when naps where and how long and what hunter did to enjoy his day. It may help to eliminate the 3rd degree.

M., this is unreasonable. My parents also watched both my kids 2-3 days a week for a year each. They also did not charge me (which is a personal decision on your part), but I did provide diapers/wipes/tylenol/formula, etc. When they were old enough to eat regular food, they provided that, but everything else we brought. It is unreasonable for them not to call when they are going to be late, and/or not tell you how long you are going to have your grandson.

I think you should have a sit-down, face-to-face with your son and his fiance. Together you should outline the expectations and stipulations of you watching your grandson. You need to make it clear what you feel is reasonable, ie how long he is there, what you will provide, what happens if they are going to be late etc. They are, after all, saving on the order of at least $150 dollars a week with you watching him. That being said, I know my parents wouldn't trade that time for the world! The world needs grandparents like you!

I don't think you are wrong at all. If you are not being paid for daycare they should be providing the diapers, food, ect. I think is wonderful that you are helping your son out with daycare as it is a costly expenses, but they should be grateful and not taking advantage of your generosity. Also, it is just a courtesy to call you when they are going to be late. If they were going to a regular daycare they would have to provide diapers and formula and medicine even though they are paying a fee. Try to sit down with your son and explain your concerns and maybe it will be an easy fix.

My Mom watches my 13 month old twin girls 2 days a week and sometimes will take them more if I need help. She doesn't charge us anything for watching them either (not that we haven't tried). I always make sure she has enough diapers, Tylenol, wipes, extra clothes. I have offered to give her money for food (since they eat 'Big' people food now) but she won't let me. I sometimes feel guilty for how much she has them, but she insists they are the light of her life and would have it no other way. So, if she mentions something that she wants or needs, I will go buy it and say it's from the girls. I will also slip her gift cards to her hair salon and favorite restaurants. You are doing more than enough and are being an amazing Grandma! You sound just like my Mom-who is my lifesaver and best friend.

I wish my mother-in-law was as devoted and generous as you. My mother-in-law only lives 20 minutes from us and we can count on both hands the number of times she has seen the girls since they were born. We would take the girls to see them, but they are all smokers and we won't have the girls around that. She has also never bought them anything-no birthday, Christmas, birth, baby shower gift at all. My sister-in-law buys things and says they are from Mom, but we know better.

You are not being too judgemental! You are being taken advantage of. I know you are probably afraid to say something to them, but they need to know that they are being selfish and are not grateful for all of your help and love. I hope things work out for you. In the meantime, just know that your grandsons will know you to be a great Grandma!

Good luck!
Love,
Jenn

M.,

It sounds like they expect you to take care of your grandson and are not very appreciative. I would decide first what you really want to change - phone call if it's going to be an 8+hour day, payment for baby supplies, etc. This is probably going to cause some confusion because you have been buying these in the past, so they assume you want to.

Then I would calmly talk to them about it. Tell them that the baby supply purchasing is getting to be a bit much and they need to do it. We would never expect our parents to buy supplies for our kids. We rarely ask them to watch the kids, and if they do, it is just so we can go see a movie after they are asleep. We have asked them to help when we have a new baby, but they are welcomed to say no and we just take whatever help they are comfortable giving. If they choose to give Christmas or Birthday gifts or send them little care packages we always say thank you. You are not being unreasonable. Also tell them you need a heads up when the day is going to be really long.

See if that changes anything. If it doesn't, then it is probably time to say they need to find a new sitter, at least part of the time, if this is really an issue for you.

Good luck,
S.

I would definitely try to talk to them about how you feel. You may only have him a few days a week, but should not be responsible for that much of the cost since you are watching him for no cost. Talk to them about leaving you a diaper bag, etc. A relationship that starts out with mutual respect is best if you can get that to happen. Let them know that you have other obligations and need to know more closely time-wise when they will pick him up. Even if that obligation is coffee with a friend, you are entitled to some time for yourself, and not be on their time schedule without any notice of when they will pick him up.

M.,

If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, you are. Since they're not paying you, (which is a personal decision between the 3 of you), I think they should certainly be providing the supplies.

I would just mention to them that you would appreciate it if they brought over a package of diapers and wipes every now and then. As far as what time the kids are going to be picked up, every morning just ask when they expect to pick them up, and then tell them that if it's going to be later than that time, please call.

Ask your DIL how much formula she wants the kids to have, and then write down how much formula the kids drank, and at what time, and show that to her.

In the future, try to speak up right away if you feel like something isn't right.

you are totally doing enough as a grandma! dont let anyone tell you differantly. They should count their blessings to have a grandma so available for their son and generous enough to help them out without charging them. Do they realize how much daycare costs today??? Maybe you should clue them in b/c anyone leaving a child in daycare longer than expected gets charged double for the extra time. My daughter is almost 11 and she has spent a total of 3 overnites with my inlaws ( her grand parents) and yes, they live in the same town, a whopping 5 min drive. They are simply "too busy" with everything else in life except their only granddaughter. YOur building a relationship with your grandssons that will last a lifetime. Your very smart and lucky! Good Luck with the d-i-l. R.

Well 12 hour is a very very long day of course you'd need to use a large amount of formula.

They have no idea how lucky they are to have Gramma available and Gramma buy the diapers and stuff. WOW! What a wonderful Gramma you are.

Your right she isn't appreciative and is taking advantage of you.

Maybe let her know that if you charged her, and made them pay for supplies it would cost them this much a week and really you are saving them this or that much.

M.,

I think you are being taken advantage of. I think it is AWESOME that you watch your grandchild free of charge, what a blessing that is for everyone involved. I do think you providing everything for he, aside from formula is inconsiderate on you son and daughter-in-law. My mom keeps a supply of diapers and wipes at her house, but they are only for if one of her grandchildren run out of diapers while they are there.
I think it is wonderful that you are able to spend time with your grandson and fill his life with the love only a grandmother can give, but there needs to be a little more responsibility on the parents part.
It is unfortunate that your kindness has been taken advantage of. Even if they financially need your help, a little appreciation from them I am sure would go a long way!
Enjoy the days you have with your grandson!

You are really being taken advantage of by your son and his fiance. I would definitely set some limits on her behavior. There is no way she should feel free to pick up her sons whenever she feels like it. This is especially wrong considering since you are watching them for free and providing that much of the baby care items for free. I would decide first what are are and are not willing to do (watch them for only 9 hours a day, etc.) and then tell your son and his fiance that you need to have a discussion with them on expectations of your providing care to their sons. Believe me they will only continue to take advantage of the situation and will probably get worse. One of my favorite saysings of Dr. Phil is that we teach people how to treat us. If you don't like how you're being treated, it is your responsibility to say something.

first instead of talking to her about the supplies, talk to your son or both of them, and let them know they need to start supplying those things, otherwise you will always be expected to provide them, and since they are still feeding baby food, they should also supply that for you, either that or start paying you for your generous services. any additional advice or opinions should remain quiet by you, unless you are directly asked, especially concerning child rearing. mother in law and daughter in law relationships can go sour fast, if issues aren't handled in an all round respectful way. hence talking with your son or both together

you should draw up some guidelines for what your willing to do and what you aren't....this way everyone knows what is to be expected.

IT sounds like you are going to have to have a little talk with your daughter in law. Most daycares require parents provide diapers, wipes, changes of clothes (and formula).

Set yourself some limits and rules. If you have to write them down as a contract and have your son and daughter in law sign them. That way you both will understand what is expected.

Your daughter in law should not be upset with it, as it is the least she would have to do anywhere else. And nobody will argue that grandmas really care more then anywhere else :)

Hi M.,
I am a young grandma of 3 kids under the age of 4. I help out my daughter as much as I can too. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your son and your soon to be daughter in law. Believe me it is so much better when everyone is on the same page. Don't be shy, speak up!! You all will be better off. Good luck to you and enjoy your grandbabies :) CK

Whoa Grandma! We all could use someone like you! What about suggesting that she look for a daycare provider to take Hunter for 1-2 days a week. That would force d-in-law to check out the prices for good daycare along with adding up the costs of diapers, wipes, etc.(none of that comes for FREE!) In addition, they would actually have to pick up their kiddo on time or be charged an arm and a leg!

Just tell her/him straight up that the cost of caring for their son is getting high and you would like them to start paying for his necessities- they are the parents! and getting a good deal having you watch little guy for countless hours.

Good luck and have fun being grandma!

That is one lucky baby to have a grandma like you M. to take him while his mother is gone so long. Is this the same mother that had the second baby as well? You are not judgmental, you are burning out ~ which is normal but not necessary!

One of the pitfalls of grandparenting these days is that grandparents are treated like daycare providers without the boundaries that REAL daycare providers would have.

Imagine if you were an actual daycare: you would have an outside time (6:00pm) when the baby would have to be picked up or a fine would be added every 15 minutes until the parent arrives.

So, you are not a daycare M., you are a grandma. But does this imply that you can't have boundaries? In order for your resentment and burnout to diminish, you will have to set some boundaries with your kids.

1. Decide how long you feel good providing care for your grandkids: do you feel exhausted at 5pm, 3pm, 7pm... when do you start to feel like it's too much?

2. Choose an hour of the day BEFORE burnout sets in when the baby (or babies?) must be picked up or dropped off and let your kids know about it (gently, of course). You can give them a week or two to find the help they need to compensate for the gap in their schedules.

Backbone, M.. Get a backbone, get some boundaries, and you will start to have more fun with these beautiful grandbabies you have been blessed with. They are not YOUR babies so you don't have to take care of them when it doesn't work for you.

And don't worry about them taking the kids away from you. Every parent knows the value of a generous parent when kids are in the picture. They will be grateful for the time you DO have once you limit that time to what really works for YOU.

Good luck ~ A.

This is certainly tricky. You are giving your son, his fiance and your grandson an extremely valuable gift. Not only are you making yourself available to provide free care for your grandson, but you are forming a close relationship with him that is rare these days.
I have a 19 mo old son who spends 3 days a week with my husbands mother and I have to say, when she offered to care for my son, I was ready to pay her just like we would have to pay for anyone else to care for him. I started sending diapers/wipes, milk, food, extra clothes etc just like I would if I was taking him to day care. My mother in law won't let us pay her and has insisted on purchasing diapers and things. Honestly, this makes me a bit uncomfortable as I'd rather provide these things for my son, but I check back in every couple of months to make sure this is still ok and it seems to be.
Hearing your situation it seems to me like your son's fiance has some boundary issues with you. It is her responsibility to provide all of those "extras" and if you aren't one of those grandmas who really wants to get all that stuff, then you should be able to have a frank conversation with her and lay out some ground rules. I took a look at the contracts that other daycare providers use so I would know exactly what I should provide etc. She also sounds like she is taking advantage of you by not being clear about the time she'll pick her son up. You are certainly within your bounds to sit down and have a grown up conversation with her about what you feel is reasonable, starting with how much you love watching your grandson and saying that you can't provide everything anymore. If you do this, she may throw a big fit(she doesn't sound that mature by your description), so if you aren't prepared for that, you may want to test the waters a bit.
You are being an excellent Grandma! Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk more.
S.

I say, if you feel you're being taken advantage of, then you are. Remember, everyone's perception is different. Everyone's reality is based on their conveniences and inconveniences. No answer will be right or wrong. But your feelings are real. Feelings keep coming up because they need to be addressed.

My son goes to my mother in laws once or twice a week for about 4 hours as I normally have him with me and she does not charge me either which is great and she loves her time with him but I bring everything for him- diapers, wipes, formula, snacks, etc. They have plenty of money but I would never expect anyone to pay for his diapers and other necessities. Sure I have asked my own parents for a toy or two that I thaught was pricey for me but they wanted to get him but I had him- he is my baby and my responsibility. She should be grateful that she has such a wonderful mother in law in the first place that is even willing and able to watch the baby. I have heard many that charge or simply won't watch the baby at least for that amount of time. You should definately have her paying for these things.

Hi M.,

I have two boys still in diapers and I provide my daycare with the diapers. And I always provide diapers to my MIL and my parents when they are taking care of the kids. I, myslef, feel I'd be taking advantage of them if I didn't.

Even though you aren't being paid, you should still, at least, be provided with the basic necessities for your grandson. After all, you already had to provide all that when you raised your two, you shouldn't be financially responsible for providing it to your grandchildren.

I agree with the other mom's who say that you should sit them down and have a talk, set up some guidelines for hours (unless called) and tell them they need to begin providing wipes and diapers. (If money is a concern, the Parent's brand at Walmart is very good and very cost effective.

I have an idea for your formula issue. You could journal your grandson's day. As a mother, I find it very helpful when my daycare journals my infants day.

She writes down diaper changes and if they are messy and wet, as well as naps and meals/snacks, which includes bottles-how much and when. You could just tell her, you thought it might come in handy for her on weekends, to see what the week day is like for your grandson. If you're affraid she might take it offensively, you could tell her you heard a lot of daycares do it for their mom's and you thought it was a cool idea.

You're probably right in saying that you feel you're being taken advantage of. I would agree with you. Your son and daughter-in-law are learning to be dependent on you, which isn't really a good thing. Maybe you could have a talk with them to set down some rules (for example, they should call you if they're going to be late). Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to charge them a low rate for your services. You have to have a life too. Tell them that they must supply their own diapers. Maybe the daughter-in-law is a little shy about calling you because she doesn't know you that well yet. (I still feel that way about my mother-in-law sometimes.)

We have this situation in my husband's side of the family. His parents have four adult children, all of whom have kids of their own. It seems that all of their adult children are able to manage their children just fine, but there is one couple who always drops off their kids at the grandparents house, never pays them, and it's not only while they're working, but when they "go out" to drink, gamble, or whatever. The rest of the family is disgusted by it. So, being that you have two sons, you may want to be careful that you're able to "serve" them both equally in this capacity. That may mean being a little tougher with the son that currently uses your services. That way you won't get burned out when the second grandchild arrives. Just a thought. :)

Sit down and have a chat with them. Remind them of how much money you are saving them by not charging them! Then let them know that while you don't mind watching your precious grandson, you do expect them to provide all the supplies as they would for any other sitter (this is still quite a bit cheaper than paying for a full time sitter). Let them know too, that while you don't mind watching him and in fact love to, you have already raised your kids and would like to have some time for you to do your thing now.

Anytime your future dil questions your ability, remind her that you've raised kids of your own and did a great job, she's marrying one of them after all!

My mom watched our daughter while my husband and I went to work. She was currently unemployed and our daughter was colicy so she volenteered to watch her. This truely was the best option for everyone and the bond that my mom and daughter have is truely awesome. However, we paid my mom and provided all of the babies supplies, diapers, wipes, formula, food, tylenol, cold med everything. If we were going to be late she got paid extra and we called. You are being taken advantage of. Please sit down with your son and DIL and explain to them how you are feeling. They may not even realize what they are doing. Since you didn't raise your son to take advantage of people I'm sure he will promply change the situation.

Wow, I wish my son's grandparents even did 10% of what you do, but alas they have run away to Florida for 8 months out of the year.

I agree wholeheartedly that you need to set boundaries. Deal with your son first. Sit down and tell him how much you enjoy your grandson but that you are feeling strained (both budget and energy). Ask them to provide the diapers, wipes, and food that he will need for each day. Ask that a schedule be set and agreed upon and that pickup and drop off hours are respected. You definitely need to stand up for yourself or this will get worse.

I would say sit down with them and talk to them. I don't know the entire situation, but until you make it clear to them the things you posted here, you can't expect change. Set down and have a talk with them and explain to them what you are feeling. Hopefully it will all work out!!

Hi M.-

I think that you're doing an amazing "job" a a grandma! My mother watches my boys once a week or so, and I know I'm so lucky to have her do so! She adores her grandsons, but it's still work (sometimes hard work) chasing a small child and caring for an infant.

Do you think that you would be able to sit down with your daughter-in-law and your son (or if he has to work maybe just the D-in-L) and work this thing out? Discuss how happy you are to spend time with the kids, but that you feel like the current set-up is making it hard for the adults to get along, and that you care about your relationship with her/them as much as you do your relationship with the kids. It may be that they feel the same way and just don't know how to bring it up in conversation.

From a more practical perspective, if she's concerned about how much formula is used, have her portion it out before dropping the kids off- that way you don't have to worry about it and she'll own the responsibility for how much is used each day. This would also speak to her tendency to pick the kids up late; she'll know how much formula was there for the baby and that she needs to pick the kids up before the baby needs his next bottle.

Good luck!

M.

Your soon to be daughter in law is a first time mom and young by the sounds of it. My son was 19 when my granddaughter was born and I too babysit while they worked. I supply all the diapers and food for her while she is here, just as when they come to eat. I am sure they would supply it if I asked them too, but I don't mind. Sometimes it does seem like they take advantage of it but when it comes right down to it, I love being with her and miss her terribly when she isn't here.

Since you feel taken advantage of, you need to speak out before you get resentful and it will hurt your relationship with your soon to be daughter in law. You should bring this up to your son, not the mom. Let him know that while you don't mind helping out and saving him money by babysitting, it shouldn't cost you the price of babyfood and diapers. Let him know that is his responsibilty. I would not bring up that it is the mom's responisbility because she might resent it more and take it bad. Your son should buy his diapers and food for your house.

I think you should make a list of the things that are bothering you and your expectations for you watching him. You are doing them a wonderful service by watching him. My mother (4 days) and mother-in-law (1 day) do my daycare for me and it is such a blessing. I have always provided diapers, formula, wipes, sunscreen, clothes, etc. I would even pay for food but my mom is at my house and I send snacks to my in-laws.

You are right, providing the tools necessary for your grandson are their responsibility. It is also necessary to let you know what times you will have your grandson. Whether you set a schedule or let it be more relaxed that is up to you.

I have had the opposite problem with my in-laws, they wouldn't use enough formula (reusing bottles until finished instead of making fresh for each feeding like I had instructed and telling me last minute they couldn't watch my kids or needed to be somewhere 2 hours before I got off work). While I know they don't have to watch them I felt it necessary to lay ground rules or I would need to find other arrangements. I sat down with her and let her know my position and we worked it out. I don't think it is unreasonable for you to do the same, afterall it is your time you are giving for free.
Good luck!

Hi M.,

They should provide everything your grandson needs for the day, especially since they are not paying you a cent. It is one thing as a grandparent watching the grandchild for free but to provide everything (minus formula) is not your responsibility.

I am not sure of their money situation, since they seem to work a lot they might be tight for cash, but they had this child so they have/need to provide the need child supplies to you. You don't want to end up money issues because the parents are putting the burden of getting the necessities for the child. I would ask the parents to provide at least the diapers and wipes along with baby food or they would have to pay you a small amount to purchase those items. I know you love watching your grandson and don't want to create a riff in the family but tell them that they need to give you a bit of money for the supplies otherwise they will need to look into a daycare... hopefully they will realize that they are truly blessed to have you so close to watch their son and that paying for the supplies is by far cheaper then paying for daycare.

I know that my daughter goes over to one of the grandparents once a week but I provide everything she would/could need. They grandparents provide the food now because she is over 1 and eats whatever we/they eat... I do put a single serving packet of mac & cheese along with a few snacks just in the diaper bag just case my daughter is being picky that day.

I wish the best to you and your situation.

You are NOT being to judgemental, you are doing them a great service by not making them pay for daycare, they are defently taking advantage of you! That being said, I think it's time you sat your soon to be Daughter-in-law down and talk to her, let her know that although you do enjoy babysitting your grandson you need them to provide you with diapers and wipes, it cost less for them to provide these items then it is for them to pay for the baby to go to daycare. Also, most daycares are only open for so many hours and that if she is going to be late she needs to call you and let you know, it is only common courtousy. You can do this in a civil manner without upseting your soon to be daughter-in-law. It's been a long time since my children have been in daycare, but I do remember even back then I still had to provide diapers and wipes to each of my daycare providers. (on top of paying their weekly rates.)

As a mother of two withlittle help I think that you are going far beyond the call of duty. I am assuming that you son and his girlfriend do not have a lot of extra money to spend on a babysitter so they should be glad you are willing to help. You should set limits for them make sure they both know if they are going to be late they need to call and they should be supplying all of the supplies. You should take to them together about how you are feeling and you need to tell his girlfriend that if she is not happy with the care you give your grandson then she should find a new sitter, she has a right to be nervous about leaving her child with anyone, but if her only concern is that you are using too much formula the she should be happy.