Breaking Bedtime Habit in My 4 Yr Old

I'm going to address the nightmares. It could be night terrors. What some moms on here have recommended for night terrors is to break the sleep pattern by waking the child up around 11:00 pm, taking him or her to the bathroom, or offering a drink of water, and then laying them right back down to sleep. No more sleep terrors.

I'd try this and see if it ends the nightmares. THEN work on the rest.

Good luck!
Dawn

First, when you're done with the bath/ brushing teeth, etc., does she seem tired? At 4 she may be ready to give up the daytime nap.

I would approach it gradually. I would go through the regular routine and get her settled in bed then tell her you need to leave (make up an excuse) and will check on her in 5 minutes. After the 5 minutes, go back up, check on her and tell her you need to go finish what you were doing. Let her hear you moving around downstairs so she isn't scared. Every few nights, I'd increase the time away but continue to check on her. I would also allow her to read to herself as long as she stayed in her bed. Maybe make a weekly library trip a reward for staying in bed and learning to sleep on her own. It would give her a supply of new books to look at as well.

The last thing you want to do is make bedtime traumatic or stressful. Be patient and you'll get there.

You're not alone. Both my kids are exactly like that. Based on their personalities, it's been most effective for us to give in to their needs for a "warm body" because we're just *too* tired to entertain other methods. On the bright side, while the three-year old still needs a companion every night, the seven year old has learned how to sleep through each night by himself. He began that naturally, not long after turning four. Hugs, and good luck with whatever you decide. I believe some kids just need extra comfort for a few years. After all, you're her mom, her safety net, the one she trusts the most. It won't last forever - at least I keep telling myself that. :)

Whatever you do, make sure you stick with it so she knows you mean business. You can do it mama, I know you can! Just remember that every time you give in, you've just taught her how long it will take before she gets her way next time. And don't beat yourself up for where you are now. Just decide where you want to be, make a plan and get there. We all make decisions to save our sanity and there's no one right way to parent.

She's old enough that you can start talking with her about how she needs to sleep on her own, and what steps you can take to get there. She may feel empowered by the process enough to "prove" she's a big G. who can handle it. I wouldn't focus on her potential fears (no "what are you afraid of" conversations), but instead state plainly that you and daddy need your own time to talk to each other in the evening, so you can calm down and be ready to sleep as well. And that she needs to learn how to sleep on her own so you can do this.

Talk about what you could do together for her to be calm and ready to sleep on her own -- bath, books, maybe a few extra minutes for stretching, deep breathing, telling a story to a favorite doll or stuffed animal, brushing your hair together -- guide her with suggestions but let her come up with something she feels comfortable doing to start the resting process. My son likes to do breathing and stretching when he's really wound up and it's remarkable how well it works to calm him down.

For the nightmares you could try a couple of things: when you're done reading and she's settled in bed, talk about some things she can dream about that night. I did this when my son first started having bad dreams and it really helped. He'll ask, "What can I dream about tonight?" and we go back and forth with suggestions. It's usually something simple like puppies with wet pink noses, or jumping on the trampolines at the gym. It doesn't really matter, it just gets his thoughts focused on something other than worrying about going to bed.

If she's specifically worried about you disappearing in the night, tell her that you come in and kiss her goodnight every night, before you go to bed yourself. And then really do it (or check on her, if she's a really light sleeper and a kiss would wreck things). When my son is feeling anxious or sick, he'll specifically remind me to come kiss him before I go to bed. Sometimes he gently wakes up and kind of mumbles something, but usually he's passed out cold and has no recollection. But he tells me he remembers it though, which is what matters, I think. It helps him feel safe, knowing that I check in on him.

And lastly, maybe she's ready for a little later bedtime? You said you start her routine at 7:30 but don't mention what time the lights go out. If it's too early, maybe she's just laying awake letting her imagination run wild until she passes out around 9 p.m. If you think this is the case, try moving it up by half an hour and see if it makes a difference. Maybe the new items in her routine could take up this time, or tell her that since she's such a big G. who can now fall asleep on her own that you'll give her an extra half hour of playtime after dinner -- unless you think this would wind her up.

Anyway, good luck! And don't stress about it. The calmer you are about this new process, the calmer she'll be.

PS. my son is about the same age, also an only child and sleeps upstairs while we're downstairs watching T.V. or something. He naps sporadically, with tub time starting around 7:15 and the whole routine wrapping up by 8 p.m., normally. And he's generally asleep within 10 minutes of being in bed with the lights out, and wakes up between 6:30 and 7 a.m.

Edited to Add: Also, you mention that you sit next to her in the room. Part of the Ferber method is moving the chair little by little away from the bed, until you're eventually out of the room. I have friends that did this with small children and they swear by it, because it gradually weans children from relying on your being "right there" but I don't know how it would work with an older child who could get out of bed to try and get your attention.

She seems to be getting the right amount of sleep - 10 hours.

I would do like Supernanny suggests, move further and further away from her bed each night until you are out of the room.

Get your hands on a copy of Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Child asap. It's such a great guide. Plus you can always email Dr. Weissbluth or get on his website for advice. You may not like what you hear but it's solid and proven.

We just saw a sleep consultant for our 4 yr old.
She had us change his routine 100%. I would suggest that, and use a clean slate. We had to. DS was up 3-5x/night, just wanting us to walk him back to bed.

Try adding a book or two. Adding a snack, maybe (no sugar). Or sing a song.
Walk her through what you're going to do, first. Then act on it. It will take a week or two for her to get the hang of it, but then you'll be golden.

And try an earlier bedtime (not easy, I know) for the nightmares. The consultant told us that DS's were because he's overtired. She was 100% right. We backed his bedtime up to 7:15, and the night terrors and wakings went away completely. It took a week or so for him to not fight us on it, but now, we're all sleeping wonderfully!

When I weaned DD from being held or having someone sit with her til she slept, I sat in her doorway til she fell asleep (not interacting with her) and then I sat there for x minutes til I didn't sit there anymore. Hugs and kisses, her favorite bear and tucked in tight, good night. She is allowed to have her "big light" on at night, but we close the door to keep the cat out.

Your DD's frequent nightmares might be part of it. Do you know what they are about? It may help to know. Even something fairly benign like My Little Ponies can have scenes that can scare a small child.

I suggest start by telling her now that she is 4 (or 4 years 2 months, etc) that you will not stay with her until she is asleep, but that will still sit with her (you can put a time frame on it say 5 minutes). Do your normal night time routine and then tell her it's time for you to leave (if she is awake) and kiss her and tell her you will check on her (remind her if she gets up and comes out of her room that you will not check on her if she keeps getting up or she will lose having her door open/night light on/etc). You may want to start at 15 minutes (versus, say 30, if that is how long it takesf or her to fall asleep) and gradually cut it back. I've always done prayers and sang songs to my kids before bed and by default sat with them until they were fully or almost asleep. I've done this method and cut it back to 2 minutes of laying with my daughter after songs are over (sometimes it's more but I always tell her I'll stay for 2 minutes!).

What happens if you don't sit next to her until she falls asleep?

If she cries you could use the Ferber and Supernanny methods in conjunction. She cries, you wait 5 minutes, you go in, put her back in bed if she's up, stay matter of fact, say nothing except "good night" then leave. If she cries again (or yells) wait 10 minutes, repeat, this time not saying anything. Next time 15 minutes until you go in, increasing the time between going in by 5 minutes each time. She gets up take her silently to bed. You might find it easier to sit just inside her door for this at first.

It's going to take awhile, for sure. The main thing for you is to stick to it. She knows from experience she can break you, she'll be tough to train. Switch off nights with Dad so you don't both lose sleep, start on a night you don't have work or commitments the following day. She's 4 so I'd try to involve her in this. She goes to bed and sleep on her own she earns a star, she collects "x" amount of stars she earns a special prize, preferably non-material, like a trip to the zoo or a special dessert. She come out of her room she loses a star. Also tell her that if you're tired the following day you might have to cancel a special activity, so it's best she go to bed when you tell her it's time.

If she's screaming and shaking when she wakes has her doctor ruled out night tremors? Also watch the foods she eats, some are more condusive to sleep, others can keep you up and alert. Keep lights dimmed and noise to a minimum after dinner, no tv or electronics, read a book in whispers to lull her into relaxation. Oh, and have you tried giving her a body pillow? My daughter needed one to snuggle with, it made a difference in how easily she went to sleep, felt like I was there to her.