Biracial Children and Identity

I think that maybe he just wants to be like his Daddy rather than it be a racial issue. I am biracial, my mom is black and my dad is white. When I was coming up my mom always stressed that everyone was equal and that race doesn't matter. She would tell us that we were special because we were both black and white and had the best of both worlds.

I can't tell you anything specifically about race from personal experience... but in general, many 4 year olds have an active imagination and will get upset when they are pretending to be Batman, for example, and you tell them they really aren't Batman. So take it with a grain of salt for now. As he gets older, if it sticks with it, you can discuss why he insists that his eyes are really a different color than reality.I have a cousin who isn't Jewish and his wife isn't Jewish. But at age 4, one of thier twin sons insisted that he was Jewish and wanted to start celebrating Jewish holidays.

Hi. I am white and my husband is Filipino. We have 2 kids. My daughter who will be 5 tomorrow has been saying that she wants blue eyes and she doesn't like her brown eyes. My husband is very dark and his eyes are almost black in color. I have blue eyes. I tell my daughter that God made her the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes and they are so beautiful that I just want to eat them up!! She is usually fine after I say something like that. Maybe you could just go on and on about how beautiful and special he is to you

I'm dealing with the same. I'm white (german), my husband is black. We have 2 children (son 16, daughter 11). My son does not feel he is white nor german. If he is asked, he will reply he is black. My daughter on the other hand is proud of her german/white heritage and will say she is mixed. Although race is not an issue in our household, it is being brought up to them, when they see me. I just alwasy tried to explain to them that they have the best of both worlds. and that there is no real 'white' or 'black' because we are all mixed, one way or another. There are just different shades. Just be sure to brace yourself for lots more questions once they go to school for a while. my daughter didn't have any issues until 3rd grade, when someone called her a liar for claiming I was her mom. Because that couldn't be as I am white and my daughter is not. Regardless of what you teach them, there will always be some ignorant kids out there to put doubt in your kids head. I think as long as we teach our kids, that there are ppl out there that see things different, they should be good to go. Hope this helps a little.

I think by telling the children that they look like mommie and daddy - they have the best of both worlds. Say "You look like mommie and daddy, even if mommie and daddy look very different from each other". Then point the similarities (physical and other attributes like love for art, sports, or math, etc). Then you could point the differences from the one child to the other, like "your brother likes to play with playdo, but you don't and that makes us different - but we are still a family". Showing them that they are different and the same is great and age appropriate, but make sure to keep in mind that you guys are still family (which I'm sure you do, but this will strengthen that emphasis).
My children see differences, but I tell them that nothing is wrong with being different and that we are all still people. I am trying to up-play the point that we are all different, but yet the same. Yes, we are all white (not sure about my husband's side of family - he is unsure of his family tree), but they have biracial cousins, a Hispanic uncle, and they will come across people different throughout their lifetime (neighbors, friends, school playmates, etc). I am a firm believer that it's a person's character and I will be instiling that in our children.
Hope that helps! :)
Good luck and God bless...

I think its always a tough conversation...

I am caucasian and my husband is african american....we have 2 boys. My oldest (who is 6) has been having a lot of conversations about this. His is much darker than me, but lighter than a lot of his friends (who are african american), so he says he's white. Each time he says it, remind him that he is both white and black....although he is very confused because all of the "black" people in our family are much darker than he (so how could he be black...if he's so light...his words, not mine).

We try not to make a big deal about it (talking about people who we know...or who are in the public eye...who are more than one race), but we do let him know that he is not just white or black. In this society...he will have to pick one as he gets older. Its just the way our country/society is...which is why President Obama is called African American. Its silly...he's both...just like our children, but society wants to classify us into a nice little box.

So, all in all...just continue to encourage both races. Because of all our different shades, my 6 year old talked about how our family was a rainbow...some days he gets it, other days he doesn't.

You're doing great, mom!! :-)

You must be super Mom to have 4 children! You are so blessed!!!!

I don’t know what advice to give you about how to approach the issue of race with your son except to maybe get the book "We all Sing with the Same Voice" or "Whoever You Are" my kids love both. My son is 4 also and has friends of every race but he doesn’t seem to notice that skin color “identifies” a certain race. The only thing he comments on at this age is if the child is nice or mean =-)

I just wanted to comment on your question if he just simply likes blue eyes better….
Are your husband's eyes blue? You didn't say but if they are I'm sure he just wants to "look like daddy". My 4 year old has blue eyes and both my husband and I have green eyes. He used to tell people constantly that his eyes are green like Daddy and you couldn’t tell him different and he too would cry. I didn’t stress about it but just would tell him anyway that he has beautiful blue eyes…..he eventually, now at 4 ½ will tell you he has blue eyes, but occasionally will still say “I have green eyes just like my Daddy!” Some children just want to look like their parents whether it’s eye color, hair color, height, etc...and even DO like their parents (helping Dad in the yard, fixing the car, going to work like Daddy, etc.) Your son may just want to identify with Daddy more as most sons want to do =-) Hope this helps!!!

I'm black with a white husband as well. We have two daughters, six and three.
My six year old asked about the difference in our skin color once and I explained to her that she was a combination of both our skin colors. I have found that showing her pictures of celebrities who are biracial really help. She has really started comprehending the concept and now points out people who also seem biracial to her.
I hope this helps.

I'm white and my mom is white and she married a black man when I was 18 months old. I considered him my dad and never saw color. My sisters are "mixed' and considered themselves white probably because they related themselves after our mom. I really wouldn't be worried about it. I'm not sure if kids at school are making comments or if he just likes blue. I would think he just likes blue. I don't remember us discussing the differences as a family but only that we were a family. Color never even phased me and I didn't even noticed a difference in our family. My nieces and nephews are black and my kids are white and they don't notice color either or seem to care either way. my kids asked me why the kids at church questioned how they were cousins and my kids were confused why they would even ask. =) I said to just tell them that your mothers are sisters.... You're doing a great job with your beautiful children. Good luck!

This is kinda funny. I have a really good friend who is my age, and his mother is white and his father is black. He's fairly light skinned but has the black features in his face and by his hair you can def. tell one of his parents are black. We were filling out some paperwork one time and for a race he put white/caucasion. We are comfortable joking with each other and I said " what the heck do you mean ,white? your not white!" and we got into a conversation and needless to say, he really feels he is white. I thought it was very interesting but thought maybe because he grew up closer to his mother he identified himself as white....either way though he doesn't really care, his response was " it's not a big deal to me". Just thought I'd share that little story!

Your son could just like the color blue and maybe he doesn't like the color brown. My son doesn't like being called brown (he is mixed ethnicity), he likes medium brown with white spots (tan lines). Also it could be that he doesn't understand. For example, I said my son only likes being called certain colors this is partly because he is a very literal child. He doesn't like being called brown because he considers my color (I am darker than he is) brown. He doesn't like being called white because he doesn't think his skin color is white (his grandmother is white). So he likes medium brown, which is technically closer to his actual skin color. So to accomodate his understanding of the world, we use the terms black and white to represent skin tone only. He will not call a lighted skinned Black person a Black person but a light brown person. That being said moving on with how to deal with race. I am of mixed ethnicity and so are my children (yes even more than me) and we make sure to discuss each heritage so they know that each one is important. When they say something that is inappropriate rather than get on their case we discuss why they feel/think that way and get them to see that their original opinion may need adjusting.

I cannot help from experience but I wonder if the child is just wanting to be like daddy. A lot of boys do that and maybe that is his way of thinking daddy is his hero. Has daddy sat down with him and talked about how he is the perfect mix of brown and white? Try explaining to him how there are so many different kinds of people/children in this world and how lucky he is to be the perfect mix. I would also suggest books to read to both children. There is one that says something about 'being different'. A book store could help you or even go to Amazon.com. One is "Different Just Like Me" or when you go to Amazon.com you can just plug in Biracial children's books. I would not try to go into too much detail about where he came from, culture, etc. just try to get across that only his skin is different, then go over the rest as he gets older and understands more. Good luck!

It sounds like you’re doing a great job and I would just say to keep doing what you've been doing. Have discussions about race with your kids; don't do or say anything that may give them the impression that one color or shade is more desirable than another; talk with them about ideas that they may get from friends or other kids at school, etc. concerning race.

The book “NurtureShock” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman has a very interesting section on talking to kids about race. The ideas in the book are summarized nicely in the article “The Secrets to Raising Smart Kids” by Carol S. Dweck (Scientific American Mind, November 28, 2007), who is one of the researchers mentioned in the book. The authors’ advice is basically to not wait until your kids mention race to discuss it with them, and to discuss it honestly -- acknowledge that there are differences, and provide a good example for them to follow in treating everyone with respect, regardless of their skin color. Because it is such an obvious visual difference, kids get confused when adults tell them “everyone is the same” or “we don’t see color in our home”, or if parents just don’t talk about it at all. I regard racial discussions much the same way I would the sex talk – I want my child to have correct, appropriate information and to be comfortable talking to me and asking about what she does and does not understand, rather than having her learn about it from her friends or acquaintances or even a bully at school.

As far as which color your son wants to be referred to as being, I see this as a developmental phase. He is noticing that everyone has different colors of skin, hair, eyes, etc. and is trying on different colors for size – a lot like the child mentioned below who insisted that he was Batman; or my niece, who insisted that she was a boy for a couple of years, and would get very mad if anyone called her a girl (this started when she was around the same age as your son, incidentally). It sounds like your son has imagination and is very alert. Just go with it, and with your guidance, he’ll figure out who he is and will be a very happy little guy.

Good luck!

Despite the color of one's skin, race will invariably pop up when raising children. Your 4 year old insists he is "whipe". Remember, he's 4 years old. Humor him. If he wants to be "whipe" at 4 years of age, let him be. When he's in a good mood, and his color is not an issue to him at the moment, pick him up, cuddle him in your arms, tickle him, and when you both begin to laugh, state (as you continue to tickle), "Why you little "whipe" boy. You are just the cutest little boy in the whole world no matter what color you are, and I love you more than anything in this whole wide world. Oh, look at mommy's skin. I have a darker skin color. I love my color cause God made me this color, and God doesn't make mistakes. No matter what color God chooses to make His children, He loves us all so very much, cause skin color just doesn't matter. Now, my sweet boy, come help mommy make a delicious orange dream cake. Orange dream cakes are mmm mmm good. Will you be my helper?" In other words, as he continues to age, instill in him that it's not the color of one's skin that's important, it's what's inside that counts. At his age, if he says he's green, agree with him. He'll grow up and figure it all out one day, and be proud of the color of his skin, especially if he was raised by a mom with a sense of humor and an attitude of indifference when it comes to the color of one's skin. The same thing goes for the color of his eyes. You're a wonderful mother concerned about her child; however, could you be sending out "don't realize I'm doing it" color of skin signals? Doubt it, but you may wish to think back on it. Good luck, and May God Bless, Tico&Taco

Hi! I am white and my husband is from mexico city. We have two boys, ages 7 and 4. My seven year old is colored a LOT like his father (black hair, black eyes, darker skin) but has all my features, and my 4 year old is as white as me but has all of my husbands features. Wierd!
I don't think that your twin thinks being "brown" is a bad thing. It sounds more to me like he wants to be like dad. My 4 year old is always talking about when he gets older he is going to work with cars (like dad) and salsa dance (like dad) and have long hair (like dad did). He just is looking up to his father, I don't think he is looking down on you or your color in anyway.
Just the other day I was giving my son a shower and he tells me "look at this long hair I have". The wierd thing is, he has ONE long hair growing out the side of his belly. he starts jumping up and down saying that now he is going to be just like dad! YIPEE...he's getting hair! So cute. But, I am not going to be offended (little does he know MY family is the hairy family LOL).
We always just tell our boys how lucky they are to have such thick hair, such nice skin, how they both are so lucky to look so much like both of their parents.
isn't being a parent fun??? Have a great day.
L.

I hope your children grow up to embrace both sides of the family.

We don't have biracial issues in our house, but ours are religious which (though not apparent on the surface) seem to be just as divisive. My husband grew-up in a strict Baptist family, and I grew up Catholic. Though neither of us practices either religion today, our families still do, and it has made some things difficult (such as our wedding). I know many families who have a Jewish parent and a Christian parent, and they've been able to successfully celebrate the differences (which are monumental).....plus all of the rest of us being completely jealous as kids that they were able to celebrate both Channukah and Christmas.

The friends we have who are in biracial relationships also try to de-emphasize the differences and accentuate the positives (such as gorgeous skin tone and hair).

Personally, I've always found it interesting that we tend to want to identify someone of biracial roots with one side vs. the other. Halle Barry, Barack Obama can't be from both backgrounds - people want to identify with one vs. another. I recall Tiger Woods getting heat many years ago because he referred to himself as "Caublanaisian" celebrating both parents' diverse backgrounds and his own heritage.

Good luck - I honestly hope your children will appreciate how gorgeous their diverse background makes them and will be proud of both sides of the family.

From a young age, children can tell "differences" in appearance. Not "race" per say... but differences in appearances.
At home there may not be a emphasis on it and both cultures/races are evident & accepted, because of the parental influences on it or not.

But, outside, in public... there is a strong need for people to identify with either or. ie: either black OR white. Outsiders, the public view, do not "see" mixed race children as both.... ie: Barack Obama. HE is actually white (from his Mom) AND Black (his Dad). BUT the public view of him is that he is "black." They do not emphasize his "white" side nor use the term "white" to describe him.

But it is also the overall culture of the community you live in. In my State, there are MANY bi-racial or mixed race/mixed culture children. And it is accepted and it is common here. There are many children of varying skin colors, which reflects their multi-cultural heritage. And the various cultures all intermingle and the cultural practices are practiced.

My family are mixed Caucasian/Asian, and other things, and in both sides of the family.. And it is common here. Thus, the children do not grow up with having to compare themselves or to "be" one or the other, and their identities are intact and confident and they don't feel any "different" than the others. And they don't get hung-up on skin color or eye color. And they KNOW both cultures. It is not confusing for them nor a big deal. Because in my State, there are so many different cultural groups anyway.

Mainly, it is how they are raised at home... to feel comfortable & confident with their appearance/culture/heritage, and to understand that people come in all sorts of "colors" and cultures. So that they too accept themselves. BUT... per each age, they may have developmental phases where they naturally "compare" themselves to others and have preferences. Your child, probably is perhaps identifying with his Dad... and his appearance. Maybe he just wants to look like Daddy or be like Daddy. Not specifically meaning "white"... but in terms of appearance. Then as he gets older, he will have other phases of development.

If you don't want him to think being "brown" is a "bad" thing... it all comes from teaching them at home. That the world is made up of all kinds of people, but we are all the same inside.

At this young age... I don't think your son is thinking in terms of "race" per say. But a child, notices "appearance." And it is also normal that at certain ages... they experience individuality and preferences in many ways. It is how they develop.

But, if a child is exposed to terminology such as "white", or "black" and "categories"... then they will learn that. Just as they learn colors/numbers/shapes in school. It is how a young child "organizes" their world. Kids even compare how other kids dress or what they wear. So... in a general way... this is what your child is doing, probably. He probably just thinks blue eyes looks nice. Nothing more, nothing less.

But, a child will learn "attitudes toward" certain concepts. So... in this regard... teaching a child how to think about "differences" in the world, is important. And they do absorb what their parents feel about it, for better or for worse. So, it is important to teach a child a non-biased view of it.
And to help them feel confident about themselves... not just in terms of their skin "color" or appearance. If appearance is emphasized... then a child will also focus on "appearance'... for better or for worse. So teaching them about WHO they "are"... and accepting their interests/talents and overall personality is also key... not just focusing on either/or "race" or skin color.

Focus on the OVERALL person/identity of the child. Not just "race." So that the child develops a broad sense of self, And confidence about themselves... that is NOT derived from their "skin color" or appearance.

All the best, just some ideas,
Susan

My nephew at around 4 used to say, My mom's white, My dad's black, and I'm blue. When asked why he was blue, he would say it was his favorite color and that's what he wanted to be. My sister felt that he was too young to understand racial differences and didn't try to address it. If he wanted to be blue he was blue. Her daughter ended up saying the same thing, but she was pink.

Hi, I am white and my husband is black. We have two boys (5 and 3). We have always explained to the older one that we are all different shades of brown but his friends at preschool have told him that he is black. And I think that he does see the difference and seems to be very interested in other black kids. We used the incident as an opportunity to talk about the fact that people like to make things easier for themselves by labeling others as either black or white and that what they refer to is really about ethnicity. In the case of biracial children, that means two ethnic backgrounds, so as one other poster said: the best of two worlds. But I also agree that it could just be a temporary need to identify with daddy's features, not necessarily him truly thinking that one thing (blue) is better than another (brown).
I think that if you let him know that it is ok to identify more with one than with the other and just let the conversation about the eye color go for the moment, it probably won't become a long-term issue.

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i hink is just a phase of that age my son has brown eyes and when he was 4 years he says he has green eyes and he just grow that phase .