Being a Single Mom and Dating

N.,
The dating game isn't easy, I struggle with it myself. I find less overwhelming to approach as a one on one bases until I know if that person is worth my kids meeting. Recently I dated this guy a couple of times and realized he wasn't for me. My kids had meet him, but when I made the dicission they were ok with it because they love me. If this is something that you feel isn't going anywhere don't prolong the inevitable, end it before someone is devistated. Besides it is nice to have someone to help raise the kids, but it is not necessary. I realized that I can do the job just fine and as long as I am consistant then that is all they need.
I hope that this helps you,
D.

Rule #1... Do NOT settle! EVER!
My first husband and I split when our twin daughters were 16 mos. old. I was 28 at the time. I was a single parent working full-time and barely making it by. But I did and without a "father-figure" for my daughters. Now, granted, they were with him every other weekend. However, when push came to shove it was all Mom. I had needs just like every other woman/mom out there. I craved the affection and attention of a good man. I also craved the idea of a stable two-parent family for my girls. There was a lot of guilt at first for not having tried harder to work it with their father. Then I realized that if I had stayed with him, I would have made our lives more misserable.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that I did date to take care of my needs. However, I never introduced my daughters. When I did finally meet Mr. Right, it took a full year before I introduced all my loves to each other. By that time, I knew without a doubt I was in love and I also knew with that would come peace and harmony to our lives. I never forced them to like him, love him, or be anywhere near him. I let them go at their own pace until one day my one daughter "accidentally" called him Dad. She suprised herself and giggled up at him. He smiled back and gave her a big hug. It was beautiful... and right. All these years later, we are still a tight-knit, happy family.
This windbag's summation... Follow YOUR heart and what's right for you, the rest WILL fall into place.

Hi Nicole,
First thing I"m going to do is completely disagree with Michelle J. No offense, Michelle, but you have no right to judge. Furthermore, in a perfect world, everyone would be with their child's father and that man would be a wonderful person. Some of us are lucky that way, but do not ever pass judgment on others' situations. I apologize to ramble on about this but when I read your responses, Nicole, I was really pissed off by Michelle's response. In any case, moving on. The way I look at it is you're settling. You're settling for someone and because of that, later on down the line, you may end up divorcing him because he was never who you wanted to be with. That divorce is surely going to have an impact on your daughter. Now, I'm not going to try to say I understand what you're going through but before I met my partner and had my daughter I spent an awful lot of time settling. I was with a very wonderful man for 4 1/2 years and he wanted to get married but he wasn't right for me. Again, I didn't have children at the time, but I"m so glad I listened to my heart because then I met a wonderful man and had a wonderful daughter with him. I occasionally think about what my life would've been and i'm glad that it isn't reality. Take care of yourself and your daughter. You deserve happiness too.

Maybe you guys just need to spice it up a bit again. I know our relationship sometimes gets stale and we have to work at getting it fun again. Maybe take a day trip to AC or something - just the two of you. I flat out TOLD my husband that we HAVE to go out, just the two of us at least 1x per month, even if its just to dinner. If your family likes him that much, I'm sure they won't mind babysitting for an evening.

Believe me when I say... finding a man that your daughter likes is very hard to do! I was 29 when I met my now husband (daughter was 5) and it did make a difference in our relationship and how I viewed him and what I considered. Remember, every time a mom goes on a date - it's like a job interview for the guy. Someone who can stick around and actually handle it is a blessing.

Children are a lot smater then we give them credit for if you stay with this man just to suit her and you are miserable she can sense tension and she will grow up and become even smarter the key to your daughters happiness is yours if she has a happy MOTHER and Father figure she will be a happier person!!!! Good luck

Hi, I haven't been in that situation but there is one thing that my mother always told us as growing up is that the only person that you have to live with and be happy with 24/7 is YOU. If you can see yourself in the mirror and be honest with yourself that counts for a whole lot more than what everyone else in your family thinks.
I commend you for thinking of you daughters though. It's in your hands to bring into their lives a good loving person. However, if YOU are not happy that won't work for them either.

Having said that, and being married for only 6 years and some... if there is anything that I've learned from sharing my life with my husband (and having 2 daughers) is that nobody is perfect... just someone that is perfect for YOU.
I've never gone with the flow, and didn't either when I married my husband (as opposed to your case, no one in my family like him for me)but I followed my feelings.

ok, I hope this helps. In the end, its always up to you :)
M.

I totally do. But I have made a decsion that in the long run I need to truly be happy with someone to be the best mom I can be. Some advice, while your dating, dont bring them around your daughter untill your sure they are a definate possibility to be "the one". So in short, I do struggle with your same issues but I have made a decsion to love myself enough not to settle.
On another note, Michelle, do the rest of us a favor and keep your advice to yourself. It is judgemental and convuluded and definately not by any means Godly.
K.

I definitely agree with Jessi. Your happiness is just as important, you do not want to settle for someone that makes your family happy, because you are vowing to spend the rest of your life with that person. I had a similar situation with my son and a guy I was dating, he was great with my son but still I felt he was not right for me. My son would ocassionally ask about him here and there, but eventually he got over it. You have to find someone that is right for you AND your daughter, otherwise you will never have a happy home. hope everything works out well.

I did the single mom thing for 10 years with my daughter who was 4 when I divorced the first time. I can say that I'm happily remarried now am expecting a baby in April. You need to do what is best for YOU and no one else. If you go through your life thinking about everyone elses needs, you will be the one to suffer and end up resentful. I look back and realize that there were a few different steady boyfriends that came in and out of our lives but when you meet the "one", you will know it. For me, the only men that got to meet my daughter were the serious boyfriends and the ones that were "worthy" of her. Children are extremely resilient and she will adapt just fine as long as Mom is happy. As long as you don't have a revolving door of men, there is nothing to fear. You are teaching her to think enough of yourself to go that extra mile to be happy. Follow your gut instincts and your heart, they are sending you messages!

Boy do I know what you're talking about and I am soooo glad you reached out now rather than after you are in an unhappy marriage! I have a four yr old daughter who also gets very attached to ALL men in her life - my uncles, cousins, swim teacher - I believe because she is looking to fill that void in her life. I was dating someone and even engaged to a man that she adored two years ago. But, I felt like you do and something in my heart was eating away at me, telling me this was not the right thing to do. I broke things off and although my daughter was sad, she has gotten through it just fine. Granted, she was younger than your daughter but children are truly resilient and cope much better than we do with things like this. Be strong and end things while you can.:)
B.

Hi, my husband left me and my two children after 6yrs…. At the time my daughter was 6 and my son 3….. it took me almost 4 yr to find the right man…. You have to find someone you get along with….. Look at it as, this man I will spend the rest of my life with….
Your daughter doesn’t need a dad right away…. My new husband was killed by a drunken drive a year ago we have three boys under 5 and granted they really need a dad but I will find the right guy for myself…… I will not settle for less…..bottom line it’s your life do what your heart tells you…….

Don't settle for a man just because you think he might make a good dad. I divorced when my son was 1. I dated alot of different guys. Some for a year or so, some for weeks. I finally met the man for me when my son was 6. We have been happily married for 6 years. I hate to think if I had married some of the guys because they got along with my son. I would be in a loveless marriage right now and probably resenting them.
Go with your heart and your head, you will kow when it's right for all of you.

Nicole, I was in your shoes a while back. My son was 3 when I stated dating again after getting divorced. I was very wary about introducing people to him because i didn't want to be bringing mem in and out of his life. My ex and I agreed to not introduce any one to our son till we knew it was getting serious. It was a bit harder for me than him because i had my son with me and how do you have a relationship and it not affect your life all around? I didn't have the guys over till my son was in bed or if they did meet it was very casual. My now husband was very attached to my son when we first started dating and actually we broke up for a while and it was hard both both my son and my now husband. Happily for me it worked out, but no way should you settle just because everyone else loves the guy. It might be a good fit for everyone else but if it is not good how can it be good for everyone else? You have to be happy, your happiness will affect your daughter and utimitly what would happen if you decided to settle and got married? YOu might not be happy a few yrs down the road and want to move on....then think how much harder for your daughter that would be. Passion is nice and so is excitment, but you need to be happy and love the person to make it work. You need to know when passion fades (wich it will, aswell as excitment) that you are compatable and that it feels right. YOu need to know this is the person for you, not for your family or your daughter. It is important to know you daughter is happy but you need to be too. When I met my now husband he too was ready for marriage and more kids and I was not, luckily he waited and I came around. But It was the best thing I found. I hope that I gave you something to think about. I know it is hard when you are trying to take care of your daughter but you need to take care of you too.
Good luck.
K.

not a whole lot of advice other than follow your heart and do what's best. While it's IMPERATIVE to always put your child and her needs first, you also need to take into consideration your happiness. Been there, done that, unfortunatley. Another suggestion would be to not introduce your child to someone you are interested in, until you are sure he might be in the picture for awhile. (as you stated you don't want to bring men in and out of her life.) It's hard, but if you feel 'he' isn't the right one, the sooner you end it, the better for you all. Good luck. It's not easy, trust me....

Hi, my name is L. and I am a mother of 4 girls. Ages are soon to be 3, soon to be 5, and 7 and 12. And I to am with a man that I am not sure is always the right one for me and yet my kids have formed such a quick attachment to him that with in the first month of our relationship they were calling him daddy. I think it is because they really wanted a daddy in there lives. What I try to do is talk to him and let him know how I feel and what I need for that sometimes in-love feeling to be more real and more often. It is hard sometimes but because he loves me I think he is really trying. And that is why he is still in my life. I also let my girls kind of know what is going on in my head and that we are trying to make this work but sometimes ti can be hard. I let them know that we both love each other but sometimes I am not happy. I try to have them understand that it would not be fare to ask me to stay where I am not happy but as long as we [ me and him] are trying to learn what each other needs and want and we keep heading in the right direction that we will stay together and hopefully things will be OK. Any way the key in any relationship is communication. That means with him as well as with your child [ at least as much as there can be ]. Also now is the time to teach your child what is OK and not OK in a relationship. You are her or his rollemodell. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.
Your Friend.............L.

N.,
I am 32 years old and was in a similar situation. I did marry that guy(the one my family loved) and I left the marriage after 2 years. I liked him we were great friends but there was no spark. I am not talking about that crazy feeling you get with lust, I am talking about attraction and chemistry. I just wasn't attracted to him and felt like I would eventually end up cheating on him. So I ended it. My family was and still is upset with me about it because I hurt him. Hopefully they will get over it someday and understand that I was saving us both. I have since remarried to a wonderful man who was also a single parent. We have a great relationship and I feel satisfied with feelings of excitement for him. I have never been this happy.I met him online. I would tell you to do what makes you happy. Would you want your daughter to marry someone just because you like him? Marriage is suppose to be a life long commitment.If you have doubt end it now before someone gets hurt. Hope this story helped you. There are many wonderful men out there, and you are still young. Don't settle for less. You deserve to be happy too. I agree with Kim about Michelle J.. What era is she living in anyhow. Maybe she is 90.

I used to be a single mom for 3 years. I understand what you are going through. If you are not happy, your child won't be either. I would end it.You might find that person that you want to be with and your daughter will love too. Don't date somebody just for your daughter or your family. You count! Good Luck!

Hi, Nicole :) When I read your request, I just had to respond. When I was little, my mom married someone just because she thought he'd be good for my sister and me. I'm sure she loved and cared for him, and he is a great guy. He was responsible, caring, and made us feel secure. However, they had no passion and excitement in their relationship as far as I was able to tell. They still don't...20 years later. I often times feel bad for my mom because she did what she thought was best for us. However, my sister and I kind of saw, and still see, their relationship as a friendship or companionship instead of what we think a marriage should be. My mom changed when she married him. We see their relationship as very stale. Because of that, there was a time in my early 20's (I'm 29 now) when I didn't ever want to get married because I looked at them and said, "Well geez...I think I'd have more fun by myself!" It seemed so boring and "loveless". I didn't want my life to turn out like that. Luckily, I got over that and am happily married. I am sad to admit, though, that I don't always show my husband the affection he deserves, and I attribute a lot of that to the example I had growing up. My advice is to marry someone whom you AND your daughter love. I was around 6 when my mom was dating, and today I don't even think I remember them or their break-ups. So I wouldn't worry about the long-term effects on her from breakups as I would the effects of growing up seeing a "stale" relationship as her model. Do what is right for both of you. As moms our first feeling is to do what's right for our kids. However, we can't do right by them until we do right for ourselves :). Best wishes to you, and let me know what you decide :) ~H.

N.,

I've been in your shoes. The best advice I can give you is that children grow up. Would you want to be married to this man even after your child(ren) are grown? If not, then don't marry him. Keep looking--your child(ren) will know if their parents aren't happy and your family will not benefit from you being stuck in an unhappy marriage. I believe that not settling for Mr. Not-Quite-Right will be easier on your family than marrying (and possibly ending up divorcing) him. Besides, there's no rush. You have to do what's right for you, first and foremost. I know it isn't easy and families can bring lots of pressure on you to settle down and get married. If they push, ask them honestly if they want you to be happy or if they just want you to be married. They will probably get the hint. Best of luck to you!