Bad Grandma?

Hi Tracy, sorry to hear about your MIL. I know how it feels to some extent. My husband's sister had a baby boy about two year ago, a little before she had him, my husband and i found out we were pregnant as well. The two boys are 6 months apart. Unfortunetly, all the attention has always gone to her daughter's son, and not to ours! This has been a tough issue to deal with and I feel bad for my husband because he too notices it and feels like his son is second best and that the other grandson always comes first. Needless to say, my MIL always preaches how she's "christian" and blah, blah, but it is so obvious, there are pics. of her other grandson plastered all over her house, and she constatntly baby sits for her daughter, whom is a SAHM, and doesn't do anything!! REally, we struggle trying to make time for us and it feels as if we have to book her a month in advance just for my husband and I to go catch a 2 hr. movie!

This is very frustrating, but let me tell you what I have done to test my theory and to prove to my husband the way his mother really is. I gave her a bunch of pics of my boy a about a year ago, and she hasn't put up not even 1 of them!! So, my parents came from Texas to visit, and they absolutely adore my boy, too bad they are the ones living at such far distance and not vice versa. Well, I scheduled a pic. appt. so they could take pics with him, and hung them all over my house, I also framed some that said I love Grandma and I love Grandpa, without any of their pics. in sight!! hee hee! Two can play this game as she's quickly coming to find out. Well for his 1st bday i took him to get pics by himself, framed and gave them to all other relatives, including my MIL's parents, (the great grandparents). She's started to realize she is the only one without a pic and asked me for one. When she asked I said well I've given you pics. of T.D. in the past, and I haven't even seen one around your house, she said she keeps them filed in a box. I said, well I think more of my boy and am only giving relatives who care enough to put pics of him up a copy! LOL ;) ...i know hurtful right, but not as hurtful as her not giving my boy the same attention as the other grandson.

As far as her doing things with my boy, she never takes him anywhere and has even taken her other grandson to football games with us and everything. Never once has she picked him up and hung out with him and lets not "push" her watching him and spending time with him while my husband and I do something. Well, for this, she has a "christian" church friend in her own words, hee hee :) and I got to meet her, this lady has a young girl who has taken the babysitting classes. So, I have hired her as my babysitter. Then, guess what, my MIL said there is no need that she is here to help watch him whenever we'd like, tough cookies lady! I explained to her that I don't like having to book her a month in advance and that even then she always gives me a million and one excuses.

So it's give a little get a little. YOu just need to learn to pick your battles and trust me for so long I have bitten my tongue and felt as I my boy is only second best. The most important thing is to just start distancing yourself just a little bit, so she can see how hurtfull it can be, i'm sure she'll come around. Maybe you two have an open relationship, if so then just tell her how you are feeling , but as a spanish saying always says, "Son of my daughter's grandson is he, Son of my son's whose can he be? " Get it? that's just the way the cookie crumbles, take this as a lesson, and if you ever have a daughter in law, be sure you take her in as your own!

Your children don't need a grandmother like that. I have 7 grandchildren who ALL adore me, that I adore also. There are many older folks in need of adopting families to love. I had no family, so we always found little old ladies that we adopted into our family and spent time with, who loved our children and proudly grandparented them though no blood relation existed. Your children need loving grandparents, not related ones. My blood is boiling over her slights. Dump her and find a real human woman to love your children. I will volunteer. Are you in or around Sacramento? Trust me, they would fit right in with my brood of blood and adopteds. Cut the mean one loose before she damages your childrens self esteem, which will cause them problems in their relationships for the rest of their lives. Please. Adopt grandparents!

HI C. WELL I GUESS WE CAN SAY WE HAVE SOMETHING INCOMINE MY NAME IS C. AS WELL.I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE MY MIL WAS THE SAY WAY FOR A LONG TIME.MY MIL HAS FOUR KIDS 2BOYS,AND 2GIRLS I'M MARRIED TO ONE OF HER SON WHICH IS THE OLDEST OF ALL FOUR.MY MIL WOULD NOT SET THE PERFECT EXAMPLE FOR MY KIDS NOR JUST THE RIGHT ONE.I DIDN'T LIKE THE LIFE SHE LIVED NOR THE WAYS SHE WAS SO I AS THE PARENT OF MY CHILDREN DECITED THAT I WILL NOT LET MY KIDS GO AROUND THAT KIND OF LIFE.SINCE SHE WOULD ONLY SEE MY KIDS MAYBE 3 TIMES A YEAR NOW SHE WOULD TREAT HER DAUGHTERS KIDS LIKE AS IF THEY ARE GOLD.MY OLDER SON WOULD NOTICE IT AND I WOULD LET HIM KNOW THAT IT'S OK AND THINGS WOULD GET BETTER.AT FIRST I WOULD ARGUE WITH MY HUSBAND ALL THE TIME ABOUT IT UNTIL I NOTICED AND SAID TO MYSELF THAT WAS NOT FAIR.HE DOESN'T CHOOSE THE LIFE HIS MOM LIVES OR THE WAY SHE IS WITH MY CHILDREN.IF WE DID WE WOULD ALL CHOOSE THE BEST.IT'S JUST SOMETHING WE GET IN LIFE HANDED TO US BUT DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE TO SAND BESIDE IT.IT'S NOT FAIR FOR YOU TO HAVE TO MAKE UP LIES TO YOUR KIDS FOR SOMEONE ELSES DOING.I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT FAMILY IN YOUR CHILDRENS LIFE BUT THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE BEST FOR THEM.MEET YOURSELF SOME OF THE PARENTS AT YOUR CHILDRENS SCHOOL AND OTHER PARENTS THAT HAVE KIDS AROUND THE SAME AGE AS YOUR CHILDREN SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE A TIME TO MEET UP AND LET THE KIDS PLAY NOT ONLY THE CHILD BUT YOU AS WELL.IT WORKS GREAT BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN GET TO PLAY AND MEET NEW PEOPLE AND YOU GET TO HAVE SOME TIME TO TALK AND CHAT WITH OTHER MOTHERS.ALSO BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MAKE A NIGHT OF THE WEEK FAMILY NIGHT FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY TO JOIN PLAY GAMES,WATCH A MOVIE,TELL JOKES,OR EVEN TALK ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED ALL WEEK IN EVERYONE SCHEDULE BUT REMEMBER THAT NOT ONE MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY CAN BE LEFT OUT.REMEMBER YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AS THE PARENT TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS REGARDING THE WHOLE FAMILY AND TO STICK TO THEM SO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND KEEP YOUR CHILDREN AWAY UNTIL SHE CAN CHANGE HER WAYS.IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WILL LOSS SOMETHING GOOD BUT YOU NEED TO DO IT BEFORE IT AFFECTS YOUR CHILDREN FOR GOOD YOU DON'T WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO HATE HER FOR GOOD.MY MOTHER IN LAW IS NOW TOTALLY DIFFERENT SHE IS THERE FOR MY KIDS,CHANGED HER LIFE AND THINGS HAVE GOT SO MUCH BETTER.NOW I TALK TO HER AND TELL HER THAT I NEVER INTENDED TO DOING ANYTHING MEAN BUT I LOVE MY KIDS AND I HAD TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION AT THE TIME.SHE CRIES AND TELLS ME THAT SHE IS SORRY AND WILL NEVER BE THAT WAY AGIAN AND SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT I WAS JUST PROTECTING MY CHILDREN.I SAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY JUST BE GLAD THERE STILL YOUNG AND ENJOY THEM ALL YOU CAN.SO I GUESS YOU CAN SAY YOU TAKE YOUR KIDS AWAY FOR THE BEST AND HOPE IT WILL GET BETTER AND IF IT DON'T THEN YOU KNOW YOU DID THE RIGHT THING AND MAYBE SHE JUST DON'T CARE AND YOU DON'T WANT YOUR KIDS AROUND THAT ANYWAY THEY'LL JUST THINK IT'S OK WHEN IT'S NOT.SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST HEART LESS AND DON'T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OR FEEL IT DON'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO BE SO VULNERABLE.RAISE YOUR KIDS TO BE GOOD TO OTHERS IF THEY WANT TO BE TREATED GOOD IN RETURN.NEGATIVE OUTPUT IS NEVER A GOOD THING AND THOSE WHO THINK IT IS DON'T GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE.JUST SMILE WHILE THEY FROWN AND YOUR LIFE WILL INPROVE. ALWAYS,C.

your first goal should be to protect your children. I understand that you want family around. people need to realize that sometimes family members are not 'good' people. i have removed most of my family members out of my girls's life. i refused to have them around 'toxic' people or situations. i grew up that way. i want my girls around warm loving caring people/situations. sometims that is not family and it's good friends that YOU CHOOSE to have in your life.
good luck!

1. Have you talked to a family counselor?
2. Is your husband an only child? If not, how do his siblings relate to his mother?
3. What happens when the 2 of you don't initiate contact with her? Does she contact you?
4. How far away do you live from her?
There are many more questions I would ask you, but I tend to agree with your first responder. Cutting things off with a vengeance is often only a temporary fix. Life has a funny way of taking unexpected turns over time.

I am kind of in the same situation as you. My parents have passed away as well and my children only have one set of grandparents as well. I dont really get a long with my MIL much and before the kids were born I didnt even really talk to her. I would NOT let my MIL make promises to my children. Disappointing them is not ok. I would tell your MIL that if she wants to see the kids or take them somewhere not to mention it to the kids and just make the arrangements with you, that way the kids dont know about it so if she flakes only you will know and the kids wont be hurt. If by a miracle she actually does as she says the kids will be suprised. Being suprised is much more fun. I hardly ever tell my kids we are going to go somewhere, in case we cant go they wont be sad and disappointed and if we do go they LOVE the suprise and they keep guessing until we get where we are going. It makes my kids happy and really eases up any of their disappointment. HTH! Merry Chirstmas!

A.

Keep your kids away from her as much as possible.

I think for the kid's sake you keep them away from her. that can damage there self esteem and later you will have problems from it. she sounds like a nut job. Don't even let the conversation go farther than hi and how is your day. listen in on the phone calls and disconnect the line if she sounds like she is gonna promis something to them befoe they hear it. then later you call her and explain why you did it when the girls are NOT around. My mom had to do that with my dad because he was the same way and I have to do that with my kid's dad because he will tell them he got them a toy and really only my girl has one not my boy or the other way around. or he'll tell them to visit and we go and he's no where to be found. I got blamed for everything. I just cut them off compleely. I know it's sad and there part of the family but the family can do the most psycological damage to a kid. You don't want or need that tyo happen. and your kids are your responsibility so protect them at all costs. Grandma or no grandma those girls will live.

I hear ya.

My MIL makes prejudice comments all the time (of course in a joking way so if say anything, I look like I'm over reacting) about Mexicans. I'm Mexican. Her other grandkids used to live with her so they were light skinned, had light eyes and lighter in hair coloring. My daughter has medium brown hair and brown eyes. "Her hair is so dark...I was hoping it was going to be pretty like...names another grandkid" Her eyes are so dark like her Mom's, I was hoping they would be pretty like..." Get the point.

I just correct and say, they are perfect, beautiful, etc.

She also does the same thing. Says she can baby sit and then makes a hair or nail or lunch apt and cant' take her until bascially I don't need her to. And when I don't need it...she's all of the sudden very willing.

I feel it's my husbands job to correct his mother so I don't go there. My personal solution...I don't come around. This is hard because the four of us...my in laws and my husband and I own a business together in which I was supposed to help run. I quit. I stay home and avoid her. I know that as my daughter gets older, she will pick up on her comments and that's when I will speak up.

Tell your husband to tell his mom not to speak to the kids about plans until she's cleared them with him first that way they won't be disappointed if it doesn't work out. It leaves you in the clear of looking upset.

If that doesn't work and she keeps doing it...say to your kids in front of her right after she over promises, "We don't ask for permission in front of others, bad grandma" Smile and make it look playful. It's a back handed passive agressive way of handling but she may get the hint.

Another suggestion: If she says this weekend she'll have them, tell her...Why not take them right now? Be cheerful and agreeable. Then she will have to be the one to say no in front of them. Once she feels the brunt of her flakey behavior, it may change.

If she cancels on them again, call her and say, "One second" and hand the phone to your kids and say loud enough for her to hear..."Here, Grandma wants to tell you why you can't come over" If she scoffs at you after, tell her you get tired of being the bad guy and besides, you thought she'd like to explain.

Put the blame back on her.

Hi C.,
It's time Grandma gets the highway. I think it's much worse for your children to keep hoping there will be a relationship with someone that doesn't want them, then to just let go of that hurtful relationship. You're right she is a bad Grandma. You could always try to talk about it with her, you know be painfully honest even though you both will probably end up in tears, but in the long run, sometimes you just have to cut ties. If she wonders why she never sees you anymore than just play her trick and make excuses. She is hurting you and your children with her remarks, and believe me letting go, though it hurts at first, is a very empowering thing to do.
Good luck,
J.

Hi C., i agree with your other responce. protect those girls especially the 2 yr because now you know that grandmas favorite was the 4yr old you dont want the 2yr old growing up thinking something was wrong with her because grandma either ignored or said something not nice.she wants visist she can come to your house so that you can monitor they visit.they have gone without having other grandparets. they can go without the other set.as long as they are loved they dont care about titles. for their best interest do it for them you monitor everything. phone in person ect. and if it were me they would not be going to her house. good luck

How sad this is. However, you need to remember that your first responsibility in your children's lives is to PROTECT them. Sadly, this means from your mother-in-law. There is no denying that having grandparents can be important, but it is worse to have your kids feel second best or less than anyone else.

I would just tell my kids that grandma probably won't be able to do what she said, but I'm sure she loves you anyway. Then, just be shocked if she actually does it.

I also would not allow my children to hear anything negative from her or about her. Let them stay innocent and judge for themselves as they get older.

Don't let this hurt your feelings too much. It is just sad for your kids. Again, just make their lives with you extra happy. :)

Again, good luck!