Any Single Moms, or Former Single Moms, Have Advice on Dating?

My kids were really young (1 and 2 years old) so that made it easier. I would introduce a boyfriend as a friend first and make sure not to hold hands or show signs of romantic affection. This gave the kids and my boyfriend the chance to meet without the emotional attachments as friends sometimes come and go. I would wait until I was serious about the guy first though (not just dating, but exclusive) and they knew nothing about sexual activity or romance. I also didn't have the girls spend large quantities of time with "us."

When my husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend we saw each other weekly and we spent time with the girls monthly and it gradually became more over 4 years until we moved in together and were married 7 months later.

I was lucky because they both loved my husband immediately so I knew our relationship could go somewhere. He has always been wonderful with them and I can't imagine how we could have made it work without letting them get to know each other pretty early. We've been together over 8 years now and married 4, so we really took our time to ease into not just the relationship between he and I, but his relationship with my girls.

In response to the mama who said you shouldn't be dating, having been there myself, I have to say that in my opinion dating is a perfectly natural step to take. I don't believe in giving our WHOLE lives to our children and sacrifice our own enjoyment or opportunity for love. When I'm emotionally fulfilled, I am better at being a fabulous mommy! I also want to model for my children what a beautiful, healthy relationship looks like so that they may find it when they are adults.

Go with your heart and your intuition. I don't think there is one right way to do it especially when you are talking about building a relationship between 4 people with different needs and ways of relating.

At their ages, you need to be practically ready to get engaged to bring any male home to meet your kids.

They will get attached, get their hearts broken, etc.etc.

Meet your dates out at the location of the date. If you narrow it down to one man and only date him for a long period of time and he has kids, you could consider having a kid-friendly family get together.

My kids were alot older when I got divorced and started dating and I waited over 3 years before I let them meet anyone.

I know it will be really difficult, but it is really the best thing for your children.

God bless and good luck.

+B+

Keep things light and simple with the men that you choose to date. Remember it's not just about you and your happiness at this point. It's more about those lil boys you're raising. If you are dating only one person and you have BOTH decided that you want to see only each other... I would then wait about 6 months beyond that point. But having a revolving door of men is NOT a good idea for those kids. Good luck out there!:)

Hi J.,
For single moms like us, you have hit the nail on the head about the biggest issue: our kids. I have a friend who didn't meet his future step-children until after he was engaged to their mother. It SO didn't work out, it was a real train wreck. On the other hand, I had a companion earlier this year who asked to meet my kids, they got along really great, but it didn't work out between me and him and my kids miss him.

All that said . . . I'd say give it 3 or 4 months at least before you introduce someone to you boys. If they don't get along with him, then you've only lost a few months.

Good luck, really.
J.

Hi J., I went through this too. Just always be upfront about having children and that they are your life to anyone you date. I always introduced them after a few dates as mommies friend just like they have friends but only if I felt there was real potential for something more. I never had anyone stay over. My current husband won me over by including my son in our third date as a family date. We went bowling and then to pizza which was so n ice. He alwats called me ahead of time to allow for me to be able to get a sitter. On the family date my son then 8 said to him are you coming for a sleepover to which I said no he has to go home. We laughed. Another time at 5 yrs old he asked my date are you gonna marry my mom.

J. , There's no easy answer ,.. probably not what you want to hear ,.. but I think the best thing is to MAKE sure you see that "The Man" has been generous (in all ways,kind,considerate ,charitable , talks with truth when admires kids or their accomplishments,.. etc. ) Then if you are happy, your children will see this in you !!! It's a great idea to maybe incorporate some friends in this introduction process! Idea: fishing, or a picnic with friends (esp. a friends husband along ) this allows for some social skill scrutiny as well. Also the more kids you see him around the better !!!! If this type of invite scares him off ,...DO THINK Twice about what you see in him !!!! and what you want in this second bit of adventure in your NEW LIFE !!!!You love Family then he better be a family "guy" !!! I know time hurts !! We definitely HATE to waste it !!!! but this one issue is priceless !!!So actually, then I say 6wks-3mos.wait,(depending), and in the end for" Happily Ever After",.this really isn't that long of time,and it has to approached!!! Good Luck to U and yours !!!!! Open communication with the little one's sure does help ,... especially about ,..no-one will ever interfere between our Family,.. we just may have a wonderful addition,.. and a NEW Family now!!!

As a single mom, and also in dating from time to time.... I think it is important not to introduce them too soon, but if your seeing someone and you like him it is very important that the man your seeing interacts well with your children.

Children also need to learn how to deal with change, how to have friends that come and go in life... If noting else they get to learn people skills and introducing your date as a friend is just that a friend!!!!

it's good to find someone who is willing to accept your children right from the gate but proceed with caution!

I have been dating on and off for 8 years, my children are 13 and 16 and there have been a couple that I have seen for a couple of years, but most important is that my children know that I am there for them.... I am their main source of support and that noting is guarenteed in life and that we embrace and enjoy life one day at a time... For all we really know is what is in the here and now..

My children are very secure in knowing that I date from time to time and they hope oneday I will meet that special person that work for a life time....

but it's important to keep it real....
and always make sure your kids know they are first!!!!

Hi J.,

Dating has been quite disastrous for me. About 3 years ago I was dating someone. We planned to get married and my then 7 year old became attached to him. She was also jealous of our time together and felt rejected since she was used to having me to herself. The relationship ended suddenly. She was hurt. I was hurt. The whole thing was very confusing and painful. I didn't know what to say to her about it.

I didn't date for 2 more years after that and then the next person drove me up the wall. After a couple months I broke up with him. Still, my daughter, 9 at that time, asked about him. I just told her he wasn't someone I would marry so I didn't see the point in being his girlfriend.

I am sure I've done it wrong both times because I rushed into it. Ideally I wish I would have stayed friends with both of them much longer before getting serious. In both cases, had I known them for a few more months first, I would not have gotten serious with either of them. Anyone can be prince charming for a short time. When kids are involved us moms need to be very selective and protective of our kids.

Next time I will just be friends for a long time. That way my kids will already know him in case something serious comes of the relationship. When I say friends I mean friends only, no benefits :) The right man will see your worth and respect you enough to go at your pace. He will also think you are worth the wait.

Best wishes and let me know if you figure out the right way to go about this.

E.

Hello J.,
I've been there. My 1st daughters father passed away when she was 5 months old. I've learned that it's better to keep the dating seperate. If you introduce your kids to a boyfriend even if they really want to be introduce it will end badly when you seperate. Kids need stability and they will attach themselves to someone you are dating and they will be upset when you no longer see them if they did attach themselves to them. The best thing to do is to keep dating seperate from your family life until you are sure that the person is marriage material or that you want to live with them. It will save you heart ache for yourself and your kids.
Hope this help.
M. S.

Life is unpredictable. Sometimes we think things are going to go one way and they go another. If you are with a good person, let your children know him too. I think it's good for them to see how you handle a relationship. Staying single forever - or at least around them- isn't going to teach them what relationships are like. Trying to protect them from every little hurt that 'might happen' in life is also not good for them. It is better to teach your children how to deal with hurt and disappointment, so they learn a positive and healthy attitude about life then to teach them that hurt never happens. Having said that, I also think it's wise to watch out for VOLUME. I'm not saying introduce them to 8 guys in a year. I'm just saying don't shut them out of that part of your life, because it affects them too. Let them experience something. You don't want to protect them from potential hurt all their lives and then send them out into the world to deal with it the first time on their own.

The most important thing to practice is keeping the kids first. Most kids do not want another adult in their lives, especially one who might try to boss them around. Before introducing a man to your children, have a serious discussion about what his role will be and what rights he has in, for example, disciplining the children. Make sure that you work your dates around your children's routines, so that you are still there to tuck them in a read a story before bed, for example. Be careful not to rush into a relationship, as this would be very difficult for most children to understand and adapt to. My children never did adjust to my dating seriously until they were independent and didn't need the daily routine that we had as a family. Best wishes.

Understand that no matter what there are going to be obstacles between your boys and the man who you choose to get serious with. Understand that dating is for YOU. Enjoy and embrace and don't speed it up :)Take you're time. You aren't chosing a partner for them. I know people are going to crucify me for saying that but it's true. Make sure that he has the qualities that are going to make him a good family man of course but make sure that you are genuinly happy with him. You know your children and you as a mother will recognize if someone that you're dating is going to be good or bad for them. Make sure you and the potential guy are a good match first. If youe don't have a healthy relationship with your partner then you don't have a healthy foundation for a family. Obviously you should lay out the facts first. Tell him that you have 2 awesome boys and He'll meet them in due time as long as he respects you he won't push the issue and you'll know when the time is right. You want him to know you first. Let your relationship develop and then move into the relationship with you & him with your boys. It takes time but it's worth it. By the way, I have friends who met men in Church that were Fabulous and others that were dirt bags. WHERE you meet the man doesn't necessarily define what kind of man he is. He might be at a bar or a grocery store, you'll KNOW if he's right for you. I wish you the best!

Hi J.,
My daughter was much younger, only 20mo, when I met my husband. We were married just after her fourth b-day. When he and I first met, I was very clear about boundries. I told him that my daughters needs would always come first, and if he didnt like it we should not see each other at all. I let my parents meet him before he met my daughter. If he couldnt pass the parent test, he couldnt meet my daughter. It isnt everyone's style, but my parents and I are very close. My ex had run off most of my friends who would have screened the new boyfriend. Besides the fact that adults understand better when relationships dont work out. You usually have a hard time seeing someones faults when you really care about them. If you share custody with your ex, may I suggest using those days as date nights. When he starts pushing to be with you on a daily basis, is about the time you would want to get another opinion on whether or not he is worthy to meet your boys. It only took about two months for my husband to meet my daughter, but only because I couldnt scare him off. The sweet thing is though, when he proposed to me, he also asked my daughter to marry him. She said yes before I did. Remember to trust your gut. If something doesnt feel right, back off. Its easier to shake off dating baggage when you dont have kids. Also, the new man should see you as the queen your boys do. So be picky. You deserve the best, and so do your boys! Hang in there mama, its not easy. Best of luck!
-B.

I found as a mother of both, that my son gave me the most grief while I was dating. It was like he was jealous of the time not spent with him. Being a single parent, if my son was not at his dad's, then the man would pay for the sitter so he would meet my date. I always tried to have something fun for my son to do while I was out. This was years ago... things could change now. Knowing what I know now, I would probably wait to see if there was a positive relationship going before introducing the kid(s) to the person I am dating. Of course, this man would know that I had kids and I would not hold back talking all I could about them.

Not having been in your place, but having a sister (with 4 kids) who has I have this advice to offer. If the kids dad is involved, only date when they are with dad. Do not introduce them to your "steady" until you believe this person could be more than a steady. My sister brought her recent squeeze into the picture with the kids after about a month of dating and often times he had kids too. After about 6 months things cooled off and in would step another guy. It didn't make the kids happy and often created problem with their mom (because they were express their dissatisfaction). Their one week with mom and one week with dad should have been that--with mom--not her most recent love interest. This has gone on for over 10 years, and only created a distance with her and her children. If the guy is worth keeping around for more than 6 months, an occasional outing with the kids might be okay. If he feels you are worth it, he'll feel the kids are too. Good luck.

Dear J.,
I know this is a late entry. Sorry....I was out of town.
I have been divorced 11 years. My son just turned 13. So, that tells you how great things were in my marriage. My daughter was 11 at the time. I did not date at all. I had my hands full with the kids and an ex who had me in court every time I turned around. I met a nice man at a bowling alley my friends owned. I was invited there for dinner. I was helping out in the bar and he asked me for my number. I refused to give it to him, but I accepted his. I called him about two weeks later and we got to know each other by phone. I talked to him for about 3 months and one day, when I knew he would be at work, I called and left a message. All I said was my phone number. He took me to dinner, etc, showed me his house and land and horse. I really liked him. I think it must have been 6 months before I ever introduced the children. They loved him right away. We had 4th of July and spent the night in his guest bedroom. He made us breakfast in the morning. It was great. Still more time passed before anything became intimately serious between us. We were together two years when he said he had to move to Arizona to take care of his elderly parents. It was devastating. I had hoped he would want us to go with him. But he left alone. His mother had a heart attack right after getting back there. She lived, but needed constant care. That was 9 years ago. His father died, his horse died, and his mother died this January. We still stay in touch and I have not dated anyone since. He may be moving back to California, so who knows? I just never wanted my kids to be thinking...Oh, who's coming to take mom out this time? I couldn't bear the thought of a cavalcade of different guys coming around. It's just too h*** o* the kids. My daughter is 22 and out on her own now so I still have a 13 year old boy at home. I would love for him to see me have a "family", but there is not a lot to choose from where I live. So far, I've been better off on my own. One one hand, I think I should have been remarried a long time ago. But the right person never came along. And I was in a very abusive marriage, so I"m in no mood to repeat that. I just think that my job is raising my kids. Men come and men go. I'd rather deal with all that when it won't affect my kids. Or maybe never. I have chosen to remain celibate and it really doesn't bother me. I have many wonderful men in my life who are fortunately married and their wives are my best friends. So, my kids and I get to be around devoted men and see how good they are to their own families.
I'm sure there is someone out there for me, but I'm not rushing it. And he'd have to be very, very special and serious about our relationship before I'd involve my children.
I would say definitely don't rush the introductions with your kids. Be upfront about having kids, etc, talk about them. Get to know how the guy really feels about getting serious with someone who has kids. Try all that on for size first. Then, maybe make arrangements for him to meet you at the park or somewhere that you will have the kids playing and introduce them to your "friend". You'll be able to get an idea if the kids like or dislike him or vice versa. But do it on neutral territory. Then, you can go from there. Some guys say they like kids, until they meet them. Some guys are just naturals and adore the kids. But do it in such a way that if it doesn't go well, it's not much more than someone you met at work or the store greeting you at the park. That way you can get a feeling for it and the kids don't have to be emotionally involved.

I'm sure you'll find someone. Just protect the kids' hearts because for every break up you go through, they go through it too.
Best of wishes!

I agree with J. for the most part and would say one more thing - they grow up so quick, enjoy them now... My daughter is 14 and time just flew by. But if and when you are going to start to date, just don't bring every date into your home or while your children are there... You should make sure you have time for you, you can still have fun, just because you are a mom doesn't mean you can't have fun too! Just put your children first!

Dear J.,

I say this with respect and concern. In looking at the ages of your children and your own age, I have to wonder when you look into the mirror of your soul, how would you introduce yourself to your children? You became a mother at a very early age and now you are a single mother. I know you get lonely because I’ve been there. Some foolish mistakes are made in the name of loneliness. So be very careful.

When you “found yourself on the dating scene again”, where were you? At a friends house? In a bar? At a church? At work? Two out of the four could spell trouble. What will you tell your boys when you go out? Is their father active in their lives and will your dating confuse them? Are you looking for a potential husband or just an evening out now and then?

If you attend church, join the singles group. What do you like to do for fun, play tennis, dance, bowl, play cards, golf, etc? What I’m saying is that you can meet nice people in group activities. If you don’t play a sport, you might consider taking lessons (golf, tennis?)

Just keep it light, take it easy, and tell anyone you meet about your boys FIRST, and above all respect yourself.

Blessings…..