Advice Needed Concerning the Decision to Have Only One Child

i agree with BK S's response. The decision will ultimately come from your heart and you and your husbands agreeing to it. Both of you must be on the same page so there is no jealously, anger or other innapropriate feelings between husband and wife. Also I have taught that your spouse should come before your children and by that I mean your relationship. If this would be adecision that would jepordize your marriage then I think it's a no brainer. But if you both feel that you are willing to work through anything and though you know it will be tough you are willing to face it together.

I am a mother of 2. We have a incredible 3 yr old boy who "was and is" our world and will be four in a few weeks. In October of last year we got pregnant again. Our second boy was born in June and he is amazing! Just to see how the 3 yr old interacts and adores his "baby brother" does something to you knowing that they will grow up together and feed off of each other. Having another was never a question for us because neither one of us were only children although my husband is 7 yrs older than his sisters and I was the only & youngest girl (daddy's girl). But now the question is do we want a third? My hubby says no but I say yes. So here we have a problem and we cannot come to an agreement then we will probably stop here. We wish you the best and any decision you make will NOT make or break your first child but it's how you raise her and love her that will develop who she is as a person.

Not the side of the fence that you were looking for advice from, but I just thought that I would add my thoughts on the subject. I am from a family of 4 sisters. And....I can't imagine life without them. No matter what happens in my life....girlfriends come and go....but I ALWAYS have my sisters. To confide in...to exchange parenting advice with...to gripe too...to shop with...pretty much whatever I need, my sisters are there for me...and me there for them. I will never be lonley....just because I have my sisters. I simply can't imagine being an only child. And for us, we can't imagine having a child and not giving them a sibling to exchange that same love with that we have experienced with our own siblings.

When you have one child, there is this love that you find down deep within you that is so strong. But, when you have two...not only do you double that type of love, but you also find a new type of love. A love of watching siblings love each other...and knowing that you help create and now foster that love. Yup...corny, I know...but it's one of those loves that is hard to explain. Sure, they will bicker as kids will do, but as long as you teach them right, even though they bicker, they will find ways to continue the sibling love that you created.

Of course, situations are different for every family, but for us, there wasn't ever a question that we would have multiple children.

Well having another baby would be a decision on your own. But I have a younger sister thats two years younger than me and she has two children and I have four and I love them all the same. It's hard at times but with help I have managed to make it through. the only thing with multiple children is the different personalities but that is with anyone, Having more than one baby gave my other children someone to play with and with them being the oldest it gives the a job to do (mommys little helper) so having another baby is an advantage for both you and little girl because it gives her an in home playmate and it gives you one more person to love. Good Luck with your decision and keep me posted

I have a 2 year & 2 month old daughter and I love her very much. I had my tubes tied when she was 5 months old. I was certain that I only wanted one child. She is very good, but has alot of energy. I think it's very important for them as only children to still have lots of social interaction with other children. She is in a very good childcare facility and is enrolled in extracurricular activites at the school. My father gave me was John Rosemond's Six Point Plan For Raising Happy, Healthy Children. This book was very helpful for us. It not only explains to you, how to raise your child, but it also explains how to make your marriage better. This book may help you make your decision.

Hi J.,
I'm kind of in the same boat (39 w/ a 16 month old) and was curious as to what the readers said. Did you get any replies?

I had a younger sister (8 years younger) so we are very close now but growing up we were just too far apart to feel like sister "friends." I never felt lonely. I had loads of friends growing up. I don't know if I want my 16 month old to be all alone though. Also my friend said something funny about if you don't have another - you'll always be taking the neighbor's kid to the beach with you! ha But I always said to myself that I don't want to have two JUST so that I don't have one. I would rather really want to have another one - but then again I wonder if that's selfish b/c he might be lonely. Oh - and another friend of mine w/ a teenage only son said - I never see him b/c he is always at friends houses.
Just my thoughts. Good luck!

J.

J., even though I have a younger sister (we are 8 yrs apart), I always felt lonely growing up like I was the only child which affected me negatively, I must admit. My husband is one of seven children and I see how close he is with his brothers and I am sometimes jealous of his relationship with his siblings because I lack that. We have two daughters (8 and 4) and I can't tell you how glad I am that my girls have each other. Aside from the fact that they love each other, they always have someone to play with which is very helpful to me because I don't have to constantly entertain them. Of course, the downside of having more than one is the finance, the extra work, and the fighting between them. However, the positives definitely outweighs the negatives for me.

Dear J.,

OK, I realize this is going to be 'out there' but here goes... I just want to share the story of what we've gone through. After having two children, we were feeling overwhelmed in many ways. Our first child was very strong willed & demanding, and we were at our wits end. We're both perfectionists - we aren't very patient - we struggle with anger - things were HARD! We had talked about having a big family (4, in my mind) in the past, but reality was making us think differently. My husband was ready to call it quits.

Strangely enough, one of our customers (so bizarre - but this was no coincidence) e-mails us that week, and happens to share her story (had two kids, got the vasectomy, regretted it later - realized they made the decision without ever 'asking' God, had a vasectomy reversal, and now was pregnant - and would be accepting however many children God gave them). They were convicted by the fact that the Bible clearly views children as a blessing, but in our culture, when it really comes down to it, they're viewed as an inconvenience or burden - something to be limited. We were pretty blown away. This certainly was outside of anything we'd ever heard. But one thing we decided (as believers) was to pray about how many children we should have. It hadn't occur to us to - but why not? We give other things over to Him, why not family size? So, we prayed.

I can't begin to tell you how much more bizarre things got. All within that week, we were hit with this idea of turning family size over to God and allowing as many children as He blessed us with - through THREE unrelated sources. Coming from NEVER hearing of this idea before in my life - to hearing it three times in a week - this said something to us. Especially as we've seen God work this way in the past (and lead us into some major unexpected blessings).

Well, we took that as our answer, and are accepting as many children as He gives us. We figured He'd give us what we needed for the journey - and boy has He ever. The JOY we experience now with our three boys (so far) is incredible - the PATIENCE He's provided is truly not of ourselves. The TRANSFORMATION in our family is something I can't describe. We are now beginning the process of adopting siblings from Liberia as well. We just have to sit back and laugh at how God has turned us around.

All this to say -- it's definitely worth asking God about your decision! His ways are not our ways. His ways are foolishness to the world. But wow, is it a fun adventure - and better than what we could have dreamed. And HE PROVIDES for whatever answer He gives you.

I highly recommend subscribing to a free magazine of encouragement, any of you mommas that this strikes a chord in. Check out www.AboveRubies.org and click "How to Subscribe." Hey, even you mommas that this doesn't strike a chord in - this magazine is just very uplifting.

May God bless you with your decision!
Sincerely,
R.

Supporting you as you nurture your family.
www.NurturedFamily.com

J.,

I can offer you a very unique perspective on both the personal and the mother side of this issue.

First, I am the only child of two only children. (Yes, this means that I not only have no siblings, I have no aunts, no uncles, nor cousins.) I have good memories of my childhood... parents who always went to my events, grandparents with only one grandchild to dote on, my own room, etc etc. There were certainly benefits no doubt. But then as now I feel a bit lonely. Once my grandparents all past on, every visit to my parents was a family reunion! :-) I am a very independent and capable person (my parents deserve that thanks) and to the one my friends will offer that although I received all of the attention being the only child, I was not and am not spoiled in any sense of the word. But the one thing I can't shake is the isolation and the loneliness of being an only child. I prefer the company of another, even if it is just the family dog. I like to say that I spent 18 years being alone, and that was enough. So, when I thought about having children when I was younger, I promised myself I would never have just one.

Now, that being said, let me offer that I am also now in your shoes. I have a wonderful little girl who will turn 3 in a couple months. She is the love of my and my partner's life. Through circumstances, we may not be able to have another child. I, too, am trying to come to terms with it.

But you know, it is not about righting the wrongs of your childhood nor about what the right "number" of children should be. I believe you know in your heart the answer to your question. You have been blessed with a beautiful child and if that is enough or all you can be blessed with, then that is enough. You can definitely raise a wonderful human being, only child or not.

Love and discipline are the foundation of raising children...one or many.

Good luck to you and God bless you and your family.

I agree with "Mindy". I am the mother of 2 children, a girl 4 1/2 and a boy 24 mos., and would not have it any other way. I know it is difficult to imagine, but you will love the second just as much as the first! It is such a joy to watch my children interacting together- my daughter teaching my son things, reading to him, putting bandaids on his scratched knees, and his beaming face when he wakes up from his nap and his big sister is there. I believe that children learn many life lessons having siblings- sharing, compassion, loyalty, and compromise to name a few. Of course, having doubts and apprehension at having another is completely warranted. As you mentioned, you have to take your individual situation into consideration- your finances, housing, work demands outside the home, the support of your husband, and the needs of your first child. But I think most people do not regret having more than one child, even if it was a struggle at times.
Good luck with your decision!