A Blinded Family

T.

I married a man that I was sure loved me and my children. I
stayed with him for 10 years. He was very h*** o* my children
but would say he just wants the best for them. To make a very
long story short my children payed a dear price for me staying
he said very hurtful things to them. We did have one child
together the other two were from marriage before. One child
went to live with his dad and my other son had reached a point
that he wouldnt lift his head he had been verable beat down
it affected his school work and out look on life. If you guys can get marriage conseling you should try. If he refuses to go to conseling you can not allow your children to be hurt it will affect them for the rest of their life it tears their self worth down children find a way to blame themselves for the way they are treated and if they see you guys fight they will blame it on there self. I know it is hard because you feel like you are having to choose sides, but he is a adult and your children will love you for the rest of your life. They will come to resent him and you, you for allowing it to
happen. I am speaking from experince. I divorced my husband
and my children are much happier they smiles and cut up we never did that before. I am by no means saying that you should get divorced if you can keep your family together you should try. Pray and conseling goes a long way. My youngest holds his head up and teacher say he is a different child. He was so depressed it really scares me to think of what might have happened if I would have allowed it to go on. It was a hard decision for me to make I was scared because he made very good
money and I hadnt worked in 7 years. Starting over was hard but to see my children happy is worth the sacrafices we have made. I hope this will help some how and I will pray for you that God will help you guys and help you make the right decision for you and your children. You are your children protector to be a safe place for them. The world is a tough place these days children go through alot these days with kids at school and all they have to deal with. They need to be able to have a safe and loving enviorment to come home to
you are there safe haven. I am not telling you to leave your husband you should try to keep you marriage but not at the cost of your children.

L.

T. it is sometimes scary to step up and do what you believe is right, but to "do no harm" is always the right thing. polite respectful conversations are the best hope . If your husband will not jion you in "therapy" (an opportunity to discuss and find new solutions the two of you haven't found yet), then I suggest you go on your own. Find your answers to how to find the strenght and widsom to raise all of your children with love. your husband and each child as well as yourself can live with human dignity and respect for others. Seperating who someone is for us ... from what they do pays off eventually.

T., a bunch of us were discussing being step moms the other day. We, as step moms have that natural mommy instinct that gives unconditional love and support to all children, whether they are ours or not. Dads and step dads are a bit different. They don't so easily give love and support to chidren, heck some have a problem with their own children. It takes a special kind of guy to accept other chidren and love them. Give him time, talk to him and pray that he will see how wonderful the other 4 are. If all else fails, send the 4 to me LOL. I'll spoil them rotten then send them home when they reach 13. I promise!

J. Blue Star Mom, Proud Army Mom

Honey I guess the only thing I could suggest would be getting into Church and Praying for your husband. No one is a lost cause.. But I guess what you need to ask yourself is, Is ur children letting him in have they ever? Are they troubled teens? How much drama is in the house? I'm not inplying anything I just like to try and see both sides of the story.
Theres more to it than that.. How does he feel about the whole thing? Just talk and know it takes two to make thing better..

One of the very best things you can do, for yourself and your children, it to make sure that you set the example that love is everywhere and do not accept less for anyone in your family. I have two "step" kids, 16 yr old girl and 11 year old boy, as well as a two year that is mine and their father's. I am very fortunate to have amazing step kids. The 16 year old and I get along very well. The 11 yr old has had a more difficult time assimilating to not being the "baby" of the family anymore, but he's coming along. (I can relate...I am a middle child myself!) So, be strong in yourself. Set a living example of what you want your life to be. Show your children what you find important and don't sway from what feels right (the little mommy voice in your head is amazingly IMPORTANT...don't ignore it EVER)

The way you are treated by your significant other directly affects they way that your children will base their relationships with their spouses. Make sure your example of unconditional love is there for them to see. Arguments will happen, resolve them in front of the children. And always try to put bad blood aside with the exes...even if you have to TAPE your mouth shut! That is and will always be their mother...do it for them, not for you....

OK...off of my large soapbox! Good luck, darlin'! There is nothing too overwhelming for females. We are built to be the strong ones...!

This is such a devastating situation for your whole family especially your other four children. But it is not just them that gets hurt as it is not good for his daughter to get such favoritism as it will give her a false sense of how things work in the world and cause her problems later on. I urge you to keep trying untill you find some solution that works for all of you. Your children need to see that they mean enough to you for you to stick up for them when they are not being treated right. It sounds to me like you have been doing some things. You have talked to your husband but he is not hearing you. I suggest trying Imago Therapy. It is a type of couples/family therapy that really gets at the root of the problem without putting anyone on the defensive. The foundation is for each person to truly be heard by the other person so that issues can be discussed and resolved. It sounds like he is not hearing you when you tell him about his behavior in this area so this would be a perfect solution to your issues. I have personally and with others seen this type of therapy work when other types of therapy have not and it has each time given deep healing with relatively quick and lasting resluts. You can find an imago therapist at imagotherapy.com I am not an imago therapist and I don't get anything from suggesting it to you; I just know it works. Also, one of the other posters suggested the Emotional Freedom Technique. I have not tried it myself but my mother swears by it and has been trying to get me to try it for months now. She gave me two websites to learn about it: www.emofree.com and www.mercola.com/forms/eftcourse.htm although it might be easier at first to let the other poster walk you through it. I am sorry you and your family are having to go through this and I hope that you are able to resolve it quickly. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I go through the same thing, except I only have one child from another marriage. We have a newborn together. We dated for a long time, but he and my son never really bonded that great. I just had to accept the fact that it's not his real dad and I think I get more upset than my child does. As long as your children are happy that's what counts. Give them your love and they will come to realize something is wrong with him, not them. I'm re-married but still feel like a single parent with my first child. Look at the good you have and try not to focus on the negatives. Pray for your husband.

Even though you love your husband, personally I would have to do whatever was best for my children. They count on us to do that and it is our responsibility to provide that love and support for them. I would never allow a stranger to hurt them verbally or physically and I would definitely not allow a family member to get away with it. Do what's best for your child. If he's a good man and loves you, he will step up and do what's best for all the children involved. If not, move on.

I can totally relate to you. My husband says he seems to favor the other 4 that are his because he only sees them every other weekend and also they are older and can talk to him etc. I know what it is though. I can tell you I am in the opposite situation so I can relate to your husband. I am the step mother to 4 children that are not mine. As hard as I try to not show favorites it is impossible because I did not carry these 4 children nor raise them to the age they are now. Of course I favor my own children. When you come to "It is what it is" your husband is not a bad person he is only human. Of course he loves his child who he has raised and been with since she was born, cut him some slack and try to put the shoe on the other foot as I have to do every day of my life now that I have my own children. This was not an issue when I didn't have my own, but I have 3 y/o twins and my time has to be spent with them. My husbands children are just that my husbands children they are not mine . I do the best I can. I hope this helps to see it from his perspective. He probably is also providing financial support for these kids because child support never covers everything. I make alot of sacrifices with my own daughters due to the money we have to pay for his other kids, and yes I knew that when I married him but his ex has caused us alot of problems.

There is hope. Your husband and you are behaving and reacting in the ways that you have been taught all of your lives by family, tv, books, etc. There are methods that can be used to break that programing. One is called the Emotional Freedom Technique. It gets you unstuck in the patterns that have become habit for you and your family. Contact me and I can teach you the basics or we can schedule a free session for you and your husband to change this situation. You don't have to live with this any more.

T. OMG! keep in touch with me.. my sister is your twin...she is going through this same exact same thing.. she lives a State over and I can only do so much from this angle but would love to hear some of the ideas and suggestions people give you..(maybe you to can compare notes.)
Thanks -
____@____.com

Find a family counselor immediately! You need help in this situation. Also, take a look in the Bible at stories like Esau & Jacob, and Joseph & his brothers to see the destruction this kind of favoritism reaps (Genesis 25:21 - 37:36)

Blended families are difficult at first, but they change after time. The key is that both adults must understand that everyone is important, not just mine or yours; it is now ours. In order to develop a healthy family there must be acceptance on both sides. Your husband must understand that in your situation this is neccessay in order to enjoy the success of the family. Everyone entered this family with something extra (father, mother, sister, brothers etc) from other relationship. Therefore, lets make it one big happy family.

Divorce is not an option, because this will be the same problem, different people

My first response has to be to not even consider divorce. The 2 of you can work this out. No marriage is perfect and no matter what, there will always be some problem in any relationship that will not suit you. So, when you have a problem, put the "I thought about divorce" thinking out of your mind. Then you can actually focus on a real solution. My husband and I decided that we would go for family counseling before we blended our families. It was the best thing we could have done for us and our family. We have been married 14 years now. When we married, he had a 14 year old daughter and a 5 year old son and I had a 13 year old daughter. All of our children are grown or at least in college now. We had family meetings every week so that each member of the family could voice concerns in a polite way. The main thing is that the children could voice anything they were feeling and it was discussed peacefully. So, if you could use this to possibly work through your dilemma, it might help all of you come to terms with the situation. And, believe me, there will be many more through the years. I hope your husband realizes that he is setting your child up to be despised by the other 4 by showing partiality. This is not fair to this child. I strongly advise early intervention from a professional who can guide you into meaningful communication! Forgive the length of this response but this is so important and I know the family meetings saved our home life! Blessings to you and yours.

You need to lay down the law. Therapy, family counseling or that's it. I would approach him with an open heart, show him that you love him and your family, but that this is absolutely not working. Something has to give.
You may love your husband, but are you willing to sacrifice your children's well-being for him? I don't mean to be harsh, but children need to grow up in a home with a loving father-figure. I can't imagine the damage that can be done by growing up in an environment where they are considered inferior to another child. I also wonder if they will resent you in the end and see you as also favoring the other child, or choosing the father over them.

It ifgures that someone would act like that, but that is not right because he knew you had your other 4 children before he even married you right? So therefore he should accept it since he decided that marrying youwas what he wanted to do he should realize that made all 7 of you a family. I kinda have the sasme problem but all 3 of my kids have the same father and we have been together for 7 1/2 years and he acts like that sometimes over our son because he is the only boy and he is the youngest. I just pray and leave it to god to handle because i have done all that i can do by talking to him and that seems to work only sometimes, so i left that problem to god and he is starting to come around and i can only thank god for changing him slowly but surely he is changing. At first i hated to see him showing a difference between our children. I couldn't even stand to see him walk in the room if my children were fighting or something because i knew what he was going to do.

Hi T.
First your husband and you need to have a true heart to heart. Sit down (just the two of you)and truly explain to him just like you explained here how you feel. Remind him that you love him but you love your children too.You want to be with him but your children deserve him as a true father to all of them. He knew what he was getting into when he married you so no excuses.Good Luck!!!

Wow I have a blended family too! I have 4 biracial children from previous marriage and then 2 children from my DH. My oldest of the younger two can do no wrong in both my husband and inlaws eyes, and my Mother in law acts like I had nothing to do with making her perfect grandson. @@ She has already informed me that my children would never be HER grandkids. Whatever. Her loss. What bothers me is my husband doesn't stand up to her. He married me knowing I have 4 other children and he was an awesome daddy to them before I had his two kids. Now I notice a difference. How old are your older children?

U are going to have to get tuff with ur husband. Tell him if he can't treat all the kids as his, then he will find himself with no wife or kids, not that u want to leave because u love him. If he loves u and the kids, then he will listen to u, and then change. Let him know that what he is saying to ur kids is hurtful and not just to the kids either. The kids are waiting on u to stand up, u are their to keep them safe.

I know its hard to do, I've been there, But u have to for ur kids and for u.

I'm 35yr old, married w 3 children.

T.,

That is a really tuff subject. They always say you can never love anyone like you love your own children, but as tuff as that is he needs to remember he married you and by doing so took on the role as father to your other children. Remind him how hurtful it is to be treated differently, these kids will grow up and carry their resentment with them not only towards him but their half siblings as well. If he does not realize he is doing this maybe he could be more attentive or take some extra time to spend with each kid individually. I would talk to my pastor or spiritual leader. Most churches have family programs. A family that prays together, stays together!
Good luck and God bless!

i have a child by a different man than the one i am with now... but he treats my son as id he were gold.... thank god for this because my child comes first i am sure prayer will see you through i am so sorry i couldn't help