9 Yr Old Son's Punishment...

What he needs to learn the most is constructive ways to deal with anger and frustration.
Sometimes the punishment/consequences things don't do enough to teach about actual coping with anger - it just means 'don't do it again' without teaching him what he SHOULD be doing to get himself under control.
Google 'anger management for kids' and you'll find a lot of sites that might help.

http://www.kimscounselingcorner.com/2012/09/16/50-activit...

One consequence is he loses what he broke and it doesn't get replaced.
He has to work, do chores, etc to earn the money to fix/replace.

If not being able to find things is a trigger for him, perhaps cleaning out his room, clearing out the clutter and just having less stuff to look through is a good place to start.

If my kid lost her temper and destroyed something of hers, it was just gone unless she replaced it herself.
If she destroyed something of mine, she either had to fix it, or if it wasn't fixable, work off the value of it in extra chores.

I don't see need for punishment here. The kid is not yet able to verbally express his frustration clearly. Some kids can do it when they're 3, some kids never learn. He doesn't have to be one of the latter.

You watch for his frustration to mount. When it does you address it, calmly, and without other distractions.

Are you upset about something? Okay, let's think about this. Will throwing a fit/punching walls solve the problem? No, it will not. Let's focus on what needs to be done to solve this problem. And then, if problem can't actually be solved, let's find ways to cope with that.

Over and over until you start noticing he's doing it himself.

Also, modeling this behavior yourself, out loud so he can SEE you /hear YOU effectively solve problems is probably the greatest tool you have.

:)

Usually a "punishment" should be a natural consequence, so if he broke something he should replace it/pay to fix it.
Going forward, I'd be more concerned about finding out what's causing these impulsive outbursts and how to best help him manage and control his frustration and anger. Because punishment doesn't really prevent the problem from escalating/happening again, it just provides a temporary and often ineffective way to deal with the behavior in the moment. You need to TEACH him how not to react that way in the first place, by talking to him (when you are both calm) asking him why he reacted that way, how could he make a better choice next time (stopping and taking a breath, counting to three, etc.)
Impulse control can be hard for some boys, especially as they enter pre puberty, it's almost like they regress a bit before moving forward.

We had this issue with our son. We took him and the family to therapy. He had anger issues. We learned to parent him differently; however, he still would have outbursts. We disciplined him accordingly. The item he broke was not replaced (if it was his) if it was another family member's item, he would be required to replace that item.

I can't tell you how many holes in the walls we had from him. We even took his door down. Therapy helped.

Whatever piece of furniture it was, I wouldn't let him use it. Natural consequence.

Couple things...
First, he should pay to have it fixed or replaced. When my son was 10 he got mad at me and slammed my van door open - it tore it off the track and was $900 to fix it. He lost tv, video game, and friend privileges until he paid us back. He spent 3 months working it off and learned a very valuable lesson; there have been similar situations since then and he does not physically act out.

Second, take him to a counselor to help him learn how to manage his anger. We also did this with my son. It helped all of us to have tools to use to help him manage his anger and frustrations. We all have them, choosing not to act out is a learned behavior. He might be lacking the tools to stop himself and a counselor can help him develop them.

Our goal as a parent is to teach children how to behave. We do this with discipline and not punishment. Discipline involves talking about how to manage our anger as well as helping the child understand why they are angry. I suggest that breaking something is happens after the anger has built up over time. Learn and then teach him how to recognize when anger first begins. Deal with each frustration as it occurs so that his anger doesn't grow. I suggest that you and he have had several years of not recognizing when the anger starts and/or not knowing how to lesson that negative energy before it builds. Counseling will help both of you recognize the pattern and how to stop this angry cycle.

What do you usually use for discipline? It's hard to know what to recommend without knowing what you've tried. I urge you to read about various ways to discipline and plan a strategy for consistent discipline.

Follow these basics. Never discipline in anger. Your son learns how to manage his anger by watching you. I am angry when one of my grandchildren purposely breaks something so I tell them I'm angry and send them to their room. Later, when I and the child are calm we talk about why they broke the toy and what they could do differently the next time theyfeel that way. If Iit was their toy not replacing it is all that happens. My developmentally delayed grandson, 11, poked holes in my screen door. He had to "pay" me $25 to repair it. Once I buy the screen fabric he will help me with the labor.

I did not lecture him. I told him I was angry initially and waited to talk with him about 30 minutes later. We had a discussion with him doing as much talking as I did. He had $6 which he gave to me the same day. I usually spend around $10 while I'm with him each week. We didn't have any treats or special food or toys for 2 weeks after that.

He was mad yesterday when I told him to put a popsicle back in the freezer.He said he was going to throw Iit away. I said, "I see you're mad. If you throw it away you won't be able to have any tomorrow. He picked it up and put it in the freezer. Then he said, in anger, "you're mean!" I agreed with a chuckle. He laughed and the anger was over.

It's really hard to not get emotionally hooked when our child is angry, especially when they're angry with us. The secret to teaching/disciplining is to not take what they say or do personally; to keep our words/actions separate from our feelings. When we react in anger we are telling them it's ok to act out our anger.

Staying calm takes much thought and practice. I learned much about what triggers my anger and how to manage it in counseling.

I firmly belive in using natural consequences as much as possible. We learn logically that if we do this, this will happen. We will be learning this way all of our lives. We can pay for broken things with money, with chores, or earn it by giving up something such as TV or electronics. Set a value on time same as you do for chores. (1 hour of tv time could be worth $5 for example.) Have the child help decide how to pay. At 9, your son is old enough to be a part of the solution. He learns more with natural consequences as discipline than he does with punishment. Punishment, to me, is doing something to the child which creates more anger. Discipline teaches him what happens when he does something and how he can behave better next time.

The discipline books that make the most sense to me are Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Faye, and STEP, The Parent's Handbook by Dinkmeyer and McKay. I recently found the last one while cleaning out bookshelves. STEP stands for systemic training for effective parenting and includes a chapter with a chart to help understand why children misbehave. There is a similar approach to parenting written by Jane Nelson. Can't remember the title. I've attended a workshop by Sal Severe which was very helpful. One of his books is How to Behave So Your Child Will Too.

In STEP book it suggests a child is angry when they feel they only belong when they are in control. Their goal is power. Suggested parent reaction is to withdraw from conflict. Neither fight or give in. This chart lists several behaviors and gives more info on how to handle situations than I gave here.

I think natural consequences... He breaks something of his own? It doesn't get replaced unless he pays. And he works to pay off what he broke of yours/the family's. He obviously has a temper and it doesn't make him "bad". It's just harder for some people. Honestly I'd suggest you get him a punching bag type thing or teach him to punch his pillow etc. And of course work on general anger management. But to me this type of behavior isn't outright defiance vs an inability to control urges and anger at this point. I certainly slammed doors. A relative you'd never guess apparently broke the garage door window when she was a teenager. She was a model student. But she had a temper. I'd try to work "with him" on this vs really come down on him unless he in general is being defiant and seems to be testing you.

Your son needs to go to a child psychologist. He has anger issues. Please go get him help.

Holding him accountable is one thing. Not getting him help is another. The psychologist will help you figure out how to hold him accountable.

His allowance will be used to pay for the damages and fix whatever he broke. That's how it works in my house. My boys were playing (rough housing) I told them to stop - they were caught up in it - and rolled against a door that broke. They lost their allowance in order to fix what they broke.

When my oldest broke a game that he had borrowed from a friend, he had to replace it.

He needs to learn to communicate his frustrations - to you or his dad - not just one of you. And while I get anger - destroying personal property isn't a way to handle that anger.

Make him fix it.
Help him TALK about his frustrations. Show him it's OKAY to communicate about how he is feeling. it's NOT okay to hit or kick when he can't find something he's looking for or doesn't get his way.

I would get him into some anger management classes, and make him work around the house to earn money to pay off/replace the item he damaged.

I just saw a friend of mine post on Facebook the other day that when her (now adult) sons broke things in anger, she would save them and wrap them up as gifts for the next birthday/holiday. That means, whatever the value of the broken item - that was deducted from whatever they would have spent for that birthday or Christmas.

I have no idea if that would work in your situation, but I thought it was a really interesting way of dealing with things being broken.

As far as punishment, the best thing you can do is not try to punish in the moment and end up "consequence stacking" because you are trying to punish him while he is out of control and not able to calm down ("No video games for a week! A month! No video games ever again!"). Wait until he has calmed down and survey the damage together. You can even turn to your son and ask him what he thinks would be fair (remember, at this point he is calm).
I would try natural consequences whenever possible because they feel less arbitrary. That would mean if a toy gets broken, it doesn't get replaced. If a hole gets made, he helps fix it and pay for the damage.

I have to respond to the anger part of your post even though you were clear that you were already working on it, just because so many people here said "Therapy!"

I don't necessarily think I would jump to therapy. I do think your DS needs to learn some coping strategies but you and his Dad should be able to guide him in the right direction. I would start with a book or two to help give both you and him some good ideas on how to react when his temper flares. How to Take the Grrrr Out of Anger and What to Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems With Anger are both helpful and easy to follow (both linked at the bottom of my response).

There are plenty of adults who don't reach out and talk to people when they are angry too, so it's really not that uncommon of a problem.

Good Luck!

How to Take the Grrrr Out of Anger:
http://www.amazon.com/Take-Grrrr-Anger-Laugh-Learn/dp/157...
A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems With Anger:
http://www.amazon.com/What-When-Your-Temper-Flares/dp/143...

What were his consequences in the past for breaking the other things? With this kind of unchecked temper at 9 it's hard to know if it has escalated because he got little to no consequences for angry tantrums starting in toddlerhood, or if he's always been mild mannered until he started breaking stuff recently, or if you've been SO TOUGH ON HIM ALL ALONG for showing emotions that now he acts out even more form being crushed and stifled.... We need more background to this story.

Often kids this age benefit form chores that are both difficult and give a sense of accomplishment, and removal of precious items for a while until he earns them back with proper behavior. But again, without a background, it's hard to say.

Honestly? I think he needs behavioral therapy. Your Children's Hospital can help - there will probably even be a group of kids he can do sessions with, so he can know he's not the only kid with this challenge.

AND, he's not too young to learn to drywall! (I am 100% serious). In my house, fixing the hole would likely be the punishment. You've just allowed me to count myself lucky that my oldest son's behavioral challenges aren't quite as destructive.

Best of luck to you,
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Is you son seeing a therapist? His behavior goes beyond typical and while consistent parenting is a good thing, punishment isn't going to be the solution.

Since you asked, the punishment should be directly related to the behavior whenever possible. The natural consequence for damaging something that belongs to the family or another person is to replace or repair it. Since your 9 year old probably doesn't have a lot of money for drywall or upholstery, that means he will have to work off the cost of materials doing other jobs for you too. If he breaks something of his own that is not a need, like a toy, then that should not be replaced and he has to do without it. If the issue is not valuing his possessions then it would do him some good to volunteer at a food pantry, shelter, or work on a food/clothing drive.

well, a punishment is in order for sure. that was a dastardly deed. but no 9 year old makes it 9 years without some sort of an observable pattern. you say he's 'unfortunately broken a few things', which indicates ongoing anger issues to me, not so much misfortune.
i don't know if therapy is called for or not. if you feel your son has a lot of unexpressed anger that's beyond your scope of coping (and no shame if that's the case) then yes, go to therapy. but i don't necessarily see the need in what you've posted here. it does look as if he has a boiling point that he needs to learn to recognize, BEFORE it gets to the inarticulate lashing-out place. and his parents need to recognize the signs too. it is his job to learn to talk about it before kicking, but remember he's still a kid, he doesn't have his coping techniques figured out yet. after 9 years of parenting him, you and his dad can probably see the signs of mounting frustration, so it's largely on you to pay attention and defuse the problem before it explodes.
there are lots of ways of doing that, and they pretty much all start with directing his attention where it belongs- 'thaddeus, looks to me as if you're having some trouble- what's up? can i help?' 'honey, i notice that you're muttering (stomping, scowling, grinding your teeth) which tells me you're angry about something. let's figure out how to fix that, shall we? tell me what's going on.'
once he's blown, he does indeed need to indemnify the family against the damage. he certainly needs to pay for or work off and/or be deprived of whatever he's damaged. if this were my kid he may or may not also lose privileges or a special outing over it, but that would be weighed against both the severity of the incident and whether or not he was warned beforehand.
he also needs to know NOW what future infractions will incur. maybe even have him give you some ideas for it (my boys were brilliant at creating offbeat punishments that were generally far harsher than anything i'd have doled out.)
you do want him to be accountable and learn from his actions, but even more importantly you want him (and you) to be able to address explosive frustration before it actually explodes.
khairete
S.

Well, since this is not normal kid behavior I think you need to make an appointment with someone to find out about possible paths to take. I'd take the mental health route because that's my background with my 2 bachelor degrees.

ODD is often diagnosed from behaviors like this but it takes time to get all the information to see if that's where it leads.

Your son, was he pretty normal then started this? or did he recently start doing this?

Sometimes when kids are being abused/bullied/feeling helpless they start acting out, that's why I'm asking.

He can figure out how to fix it.

I'm a little surprised at your responses that urge therapy. Did I miss previous posts?
My 9 year old has/does have therapy. He doesn't get his own things replaced and has to help drywall/paint when he causes damage. His privileges (screen time mostly) get taken away. I talk go him.
I do like to idea of wrapping up the broken stiff for Christmas-but maybe work your own angle on it. I definitely have no space to store the broken junk till Christmas!
I might not have a solid answer here. Just do what works/feels best for your family and rest assured that you can remind him of this phase when he has children of his own some day!