9 Year Old by Stealing $ and Lying

Hi,

I have a 20 year old son who used to do the same thing. I consulted my physician and he told me it was most likely an inabiltiy to control his impulses and recommeded a great psychotherapist.

Maybe that is an avenue you should try.

My 20 year old has since gone to college and is doing well. He needed help controling his impulses and got that through counseling and ADHD medications.

Please contact a therapist about your son ASAP. This is a serious problem and you need to find the root cause, not just treat the symptoms. "Scaring him straight" might help, but so far his fear has only made him lie more, not less. Find a professional you can trust to help all three of you understand why this is happening and the best way to fix it. It may take a while, but you will be happier in the end that if you go for a quick fix.

Hi S.,
I agree with the moms. Seek therapy to get to the root of the issue at hand. I had that experience with my daughter who was six at the time. I found a candy she swiped from the pharmacy as we were leaving the store. I walked her right back in, apologized to the patrons and told them that my daughter had to speak to the cashier right away. I told her to place it on the counter and explain what she did and apologize. Since then, she had never done that again. Maybe, as a start, you should take your son back to the store(s) and return the items. Also, keep an eye on his peers that might be doing the same thing. Turn your son's experiences into positive ones by encouraging him to mentor others. Approach him as a mom/dad team that wants the best for him after he serves his time out so that he can make a connection and feel comfortable discussing things with you. I know it's hard, but one step at a time, it is possible. I have a 10 year old son, so I'm familiar with the lying aspect of boys this age. We give him a time out for 10 minutes, and will cut it in half if he serves it in an acceptable manner. We then follow it up with discussion. That's the most important part. Communication is the key. If he can't talk to you, just imagine who he will want to talk to when he gets older. Just keep those lines of communication open. It's not hopeless.

Hi Susan,
If he is lying habitually and almost seems to not be able to help himself, and is stealing money repeatedly, then I would consult a family therapist. You can tell him it's wrong all you want, and I'm sure that you do, but if telling him the rules and punishing don't work, it may not be your parenting style that's the issue but some behavioral issue with your son. I would be concerned that you mentioned he is terrified of dad. Why is he terrified? It sounds like you are not even punishing, which I think is a problem. Interrogating him for an hour to pretty much force him to tell the truth and escape punishment does not sound effective. He should be punished for lying in the first place and punished for the stealing. My kids always knew that if they did something wrong, came to me and confessed, they'd get in LESS trouble than if they hid it and I found out, or if they lied about it. But there was still a consequence for whatever they did wrong. They knew if there was a lie involved, there's be two punishments, one for the wrongdoing and one for the lying. It sounds like you are not punishing your son for either, which may be why he continues to do it. Less talking, more action.

Are you saying the boy stole $60 to buy 2 books, 2 pencils and 2 Snapples? Who did he steal from and did he ask you for the items first? Is stealing the only thing he lies about? And what do you do with the items he buys with the stolen money? How is he punished besides being put in a corner? (which in my opinion he is too old to do)
If he steals from you to buy pencils and books perhaps he needs an allowance so he can learn the value of money and working for it. If he steals from other people he needs a lesson on how it feels to lose something that means a lot to you. Take his very favorite thing away from him and donate it to a charity. Gone..forever..like the money he stole. also donate or return any items he bought with the stolen money. Its no good punishing him about stealing if he eventually gets to keep the things he bought.
It might be he has ADD which means impulse control issues, but ADD kids can learn to think before they act. It is just a longer process. As for punishment, he needs to do something constructive as a consequence for lying or stealing. All he will learn from being in the corner is how the wall looks close up. I used to make my kids copy passages from the encyclopedia, but not many people have encyclopedias any more. Perhaps you could make him write an essay on why its wrong to steal/lie and how he can change his behavior so he wont do it again. Then make him do a chore that is difficult for him, wash windows, rake leaves, clean the bathroom. Think community service or KP duty. Also tell him how disappointed you are that you cannot trust him. Tell him he will have to earn your trust and it makes you very sad.

Calling the police might scare him and suppress the behavior, but I'm not sure it'll treat the cause. A kid this age who steals and lies like this does it because there is something going on, and it's his way of attracting attention. Lying can be because a) he could get away with it for a long time, and it's easier, b) he's so scared of one or both parents if he gets in trouble that it feels safer to lie, c) he's trying to get attention. The stealing is the same issue. As a kid, I stole twice in my life, the first time when I was 7 (just once) and I stole some money (I think it was $2) because I really wanted a toy that no one wanted to buy me. This was resolved with my mother starting to give me an allowance so that I could do certain things myself. The second time I did it (for a couple of months) was when I was 16, my sister had anorexia, I had bulimia. I didn't have enough money to feed my bulimia without my family knowing how much I was really eating, so I started to steal, and it was a way to get attention too from my parents, who were wholly focused on her, and ignoring my own issues.

So before doing anything like calling the police, I'd try to figure out what is going on in your son's life and in his head that could explain his behavior.

Hope this helps, and if you want to talk more, feel free to send me a message privately.

My neighbors grandson has been stealing and the cops were there but it didn't scare the kid, he just laughed at the officer. My son had stolen a toy from school and we talked to him about it, well they had a show in tell in school and he brought in his hot wheels collection and one of the kids stole a hot wheels scooter from his collection and he found out what it is like to steal and he made a reference to when he stole the toy from school and said now I understand why you told me it's not right to steal, it hurts when someone takes your stuff. Anyway my suggestion is to take something of his that is really really important and when he asks where it is tell him maybe it was stolen. Ask him how it feels, and then when he leasts expects it return it or don't return it at all. Another suggestion is to purposely leave money laying around and set up a video camera and tape him, then when he tries to lie--show him the tape...

I know exactly what your going through. My son was breaking my heart doing this. About the exact same time. It was stealing wrestlers from friends and constantly lying about it when we asked about it. (oh they let me borrow it..or oh I forgot I had it...Opps..i put it in my bag) We were very tough. We showed him what it was like living w/ parents that didnt trust him. It broke my heart. I patted him down when we left somewhere (not infront of people..in the car) I would look through his bags. He lost a few friends too because of it. FINALLY...due to maturity and wanting to be better...we are done. Once in a blue moon it'll come up..but for the most part (knock on wood) its stopped. He will be 11 next month. Dont call the police. A friend of mine did and they actually arrested her kid. No one wants that. If you show him that it feels better to be trusted..then he will respond to that. It will take awhile.I am sorry to report, but it will get better. To the close friends of yours, explain he is working on this. At one point, my son took this kids toy for the last time and I had him call his friend and apologize. He said the has some "issues with taking things and he is working on them." He told this friend that "he doesnt want to loose him as a friend like some other friends." It broke my heart. I sat there and cried. Do you know what the other boy said? "Thats okay buddy..we will work on it together". And they did. This made me a blubbering idiot. Kids are amazing!! I will truly be grateful to this kid. Make your son take responsibility for everything he does and show him what its like to never be trusted. and to help with the lying, I would tell my son something (nothing major) and when he said "really?"..i said "no not really..I was lying..doesnt that stink". I dont know if I helped, but please know your not alone. It will get better. Good Luck. Email me if you have anymore questions...By the way..I dont think you need a therapist just yet. Its normal for kids to want something and to take it. Its how they learn. I work in the Mental health field and this is what they told me.

hi S.,
I agree with all the responses so far, but wanted to make one other point...you don't want your son to be afraid of the police because if there's ever a time when he needs their assistance, you don't want him to be afraid of them. Good luck!

my son was seriously stealing at age 5.. it's a little younger.. but i went down and talked to the chief of police to see if an officer could talk to my son.. till this day not sure what he said.. my son went off to a room with the officer.. and when he came back 30 min. later.. swore he would never steal.. also told me he hated that officer.. oh well.. but he is now 13 and has never stolen.. so good luck