9 Year Old Behavior

I agree that counselling for your daughter is important, even if she says she doesn't want or need it. That is a lot of change in one year. Those would be big changes to deal with even one at a time, actually.

I think it's important to make your daughter a priority right now, if you haven't already, and make sure she knows it. This might mean asking your boyfriend to move out until your daughter is adjusted to your new situation. You probably have been unhappy for some time so feel you deserve you-time and to indulge, but try to refrain and hold off until your daughter can manage all these changes. Poor little thing didn't ask for any of this and is probably feeling like she doesn't matter to anyone anymore. Talk to her about it and make her understand that she is still #1 in your life, and also demonstrate that to her.

Good luck!

i will echo what two other posters already said: you threw a lot on your daughter's plate: divorced her dad and move din with a boyfriend, all within the course of one year. not only a 9 year old daughter, but even if she were an adult, she's be having the same attitude towards you, which is one of distrust.
on top of her you have two other children. if they're not showing signs of aggression now, they will soon. you need to be the adult, ask your boyfriend to move out, date for a few years, then see where things go. your kids need you now, their family life as they knew it is in ruins, you can't be bringing new people into their lives right now. so, no, you haven't tried everything, at least the things that matter the most to your children, which is your undivided attention.

Let me address this in the only way I know how.

My parents were married for 40+ years, until my mother died 3 years ago. My mother had health issues for 5 years or so prior to her passing, and my father committed every moment to taking care of her.
All of my life, I had only known my parents, together. I could never imagine either, with anyone else. I never imagined I would, either.

Since my mother's passing, my father has had a few 'lady friends'. I am 41 years old, happily married, LOVE my life, with 4 children of my own, but it hurts, to see my father with anyone else in this way, besides my mother. I struggle inside with a visit with them together. I can't even imagine being a child, and having to live with them and see it every day.

I cannot even imagine, how your children feel. You didn't mention how old your sons are, but if they are old enough to know what's going on
they'll likely manifest all of this in some way. Your daughter is showing you now, she is not ok. She is telling you, in the only way she knows how, that her world has fallen apart all around her. And it sure has.

If you got divorced, and had a boyfriend MOVE IN with you within a year, things have bee a mess long before the divorce. This has all just been the last straw. I'd be looking at what your CHILDREN need, FROM YOU as their mother, and the best that you can give them in this situation. That should be the most important thing to you right now.

I agree that she has had a lot of upheaval in her life, and she is expressing her frustration the only way she can, by acting out. So I agree with much of what has been said up to this point. However, as a stepmother, I want to add that kids play one parent against the other, and she is engaging in this disrespect and fit-throwing because it gets a rise out of you and gives her the attention she feels she is lacking. She feels Mom and Dad have both traded her for a new partner, and she doesn't feel secure that she belongs. She doesn't want you to kiss your boyfriend - after all, if you divorced Dad, will you "divorce" her too? She's worried that you discard people who annoy you. That's all she understands at this age. Now, if you have him move out, she may feel this even more - I'm not saying you should stay with him or leave him - I'm saying you should address this. Kids often rebel at the parent who provides the most structure (that was me and my husband) but they also get very upset at the parent who seems to indulge in his/her own wishes at the expense of the children (that was my husband's ex). Counseling counseling counseling - for everyone! Co-parenting for you and your ex, family counseling for you and your daughter, and perhaps individual counseling. You DO have control and you need to regain it, but in a positive and nurturing manner.

You and your boyfriend need to find separate residences to live and just date for a while. If you were child-free, moving in with a boyfriend so soon after a divorce would be a "whatever" kind of situation but you don't have the luxury of that freedom right now. You have children you need to raise and right now is too soon for you to be hooking up with a new boy so soon after the world that your daughter once knew had imploded. She needs to have a safe and secure home and she needs you to be a constant in her life and you just can't be the mom that she needs you to be right now when you have your boyfriend living with you.

It would also help if you guys get some family counseling to work out your issues and so that you are better able to see your daughter's perspective a little bit better and so that she can understand you and why your relationship with her dad had to end as well. I am really concerned about the emotional wellbeing of your daughter and hope that you put the brakes on the relationship with your boyfriend for a bit so that you can help your children through this tranisition. If your boyfriend is a good guy, he will understand and support you and your family with what you need to do.

Please take care.

I don't want to seem harsh, C., but I find that based on your discription of the situation, I agree with the moms who suggest you've given your young daughter too much to deal with. Particularly if you already had the boyfriend when you left her dad or picked him up on the rebound; it sounds like those two things happened pretty much on top of each other. This is NOT a good example to set for your daughter, even if she gets along with your boyfriend, which sounds doubtful.

Dad may have a lot to say about your situation to your daughter, which will not help matters. Unfortunately, you are not in much of a position to criticize his young girlfriend.

I suggest you do some serious soul-searching, ideally with the help of a counselor. Find out why you need to live with a man. Find out what children need for safe, well-ordered lives. Read parenting books; there are lots of good ones out there. It is possible to get a divorce without completely turning children's lives upside down.

You brought this child into the world, perhaps before you were really prepared for all the sacrifice that would entail. And now you've switched out her only sense of family for what could be a temporary situation, and one that she had no choice in creating. If I were her, I'd be really upset, too. And I'm worried for the emotional well-being of your sons, too.

I would get her into some sort of counseling. Start with the school guidance counselor first. Our guidance counselor offers lunch groups for kids with divorcing parents and does things individually as well. The guidance counselor can also give you the names of local child/family social workers/psychologists. In fact, the guidance counselor has probably received feedback on the different social workers from other parents and may be able to recommend one over another.

You should also try to get her father on board as well. (Doesn't sound promising, though.) Does he know how she treats you? It might be valuable for him to have a talk with your daughter, too...and then with the counselor so you two can be on the same page discipline-wise.

Good luck.

Yikes. To be 9 years old and have that much upheaval in life, and that much control over both of your parents...that would be frightening for your daughter, I would think...she must feel totally out of control, inside.
Children fight for freedom and control, but they really need and want boundaries. It is reassuring to them.
Your daughter's world has turned inside out in a relatively short time.
Family counseling??
Is there another family member that she can stay with for a while, to get a little bit of distance and stability??
Priority number one should be for you to get control of yourself. Until you can do that, you have no chance with her.
I am sure all of this has been painful and stressful for you as well...but you are an adult, she is only a little girl.
If you are financially able to live alone with your children, that would be better, but if you can't do that...just keep the structure going, and keep telling her "I love you and I understand that all of the changes in your life are very confusing and upsetting. You have every right to feel scared and angry. But, it is not okay for you to treat me this way. I am doing the best I can right now, and I want to be able to talk to you and help you with everything you are going through. If you don't feel comfortable talking to me, we can think of someone else you can talk to."
Also, you said that you have 2 sons---remember that all of this is affecting them too!
By the way, children of divorced parents often play the parents off of each other saying that things are "better" at the other parent's house---but it is only to manipulate and get their way and usually is not true.
Look for some kind of divorced parent support group online.