7 Y/o and I Can't Undo What She Has Seen

This is a great reason NOT to give a 7 yr old an IPod. It's completely unnecessary for them to have one.

We've been through this, but not at 7 years old. A bit older. However, I think that we handled it very well.

We found inappropriate content on my oldest son's iPod. We were surprised, and our initial reaction was to put him on restriction from all devices to punish him. But after my husband and I thought about it for awhile, we determined that restriction and locking his devices down even more would not teach him to navigate the world more effectively. So we took a different tack.

We discussed with the kids why it's not appropriate for kids to be looking at that sort of adult stuff. Heck, it's not appropriate for adults. Of course, we broke this down in age-appropriate terms. We talked about intimacy and how that it is supposed to be special, between two people who love one another, such as a husband and wife; and how the internet has perverted intimacy to the point that it causes problems in marriages and relationships. We want our kids to grow up with healthy ideas about intimate relationships, and we explained that stuff like that is not what healthy relationships are all about. Also, all of those naked people are someone's son, daughter, sister, brother... and some are victims of human trafficking and don't want their pictures on the internet. Every time someone searches and clicks, they are contributing to human trafficking. We don't want to be the kind of people who do that. We still have ongoing conversations about guarding our hearts and minds from evil and inappropriate things, and why.

And then, after we discussed at length, and answered their questions, and deleted their browser history...we handed their devices back. We said, "Now that you know, I think that you will choose better." And they have. We still check their browser history, we still block explicit content. But you and I both know that even the "safe" browsers can't block everything. Still, we haven't had a problem since, and the kids have learned a valuable lesson about self worth, intimacy, and the worth of other people.

What? Geez, why not just talk to her about what she saw? Why not just sit down with the thing, go back through her history together, and have a good laugh with the kid about how ridiculous people look with their pants off.

Curiosity is normal and healthy. Be with her when she explores instead of running away scared you're not prepared to discuss certain issues with your kid and punishing her for nature. Clearly SHE'S ready to discuss them.

:(

It can be tough to handle children coming across inappropriate content on their electronic devices.

To begin with, her curiosity is natural and not lurid in nature, so it's not likely her internal filter would have turned on the same way an older child's would have, as she is less likely to understand why what she saw was inappropriate to the same degree an older child would have.

I would suggest having a frank and open discussion with her about what she has seen, any questions she might have, and then explain to her why it's inappropriate for her to see what she was viewing. Then I would be careful to provide protection for the future without causing her to feel overly punished. You don't want to make her feel as though nudity is innately shameful.

Anyway, my two cents. Good luck!

A couple thoughts. 1. She broke the house rule when she had the ipod in her room after lights out. What is the consequence you have in place for that? If you didn't have any, now is the time to put some in place. 2. She has seen things she can't unsee. I would start having a lot of conversations with her about respect between men and women, respect in a relationship, modesty, and privacy. She has seen what is out there, but you can assure her that that is NOT how you and your family treat each other or expect to behave. Lots of short conversations are more effective with a child her age than longer ones. Make clear that you are open to asking all her questions, and that if her friends are talking about sexual things, you always want her to double check the information for accuracy. By focusing on how you WANT her to behave/view loving relationships, you will build up your clear expectation of the kind of things (stories, videos) you want her exposed to: kind, loving, thoughtful, loyal relationships. Stress these qualities in all relationships, not just in romantic ones.

Internal filter? It's completely normal for a kid to check out something they've stumbled upon. I think disappointment is not the appropriate reaction. She's 7, and she did what many 7 year olds would do.

Good advice below.

Sounds like she needs to lose internet privileges for quite awhile.
7 yr olds don't have an internal filter and although some are more tech savy than others some of this stuff you say she did sounds a bit advanced.
It almost sounds like she's done this before.
Lock up the devices and she only gets to use them for homework purposes in public areas of the house.

I'm sure you've already talked with her by now, but hopefully, you covered the notion that there are things in the world that are not appropriate for children or are not consistent with your family values and that there are people in the world (including on the internet) who do things that are not consistent with your family values.

Regarding the idea that she can't "unsee" things, if she just viewed human bodies and no graphic, pornographic images, she should be okay, and it probably won't be an issue.

The bigger lesson is for you and for all of us who have young children. Yours is a perfect example of why young children should not have wide-open, unsupervised access to the internet-ready electronics and why we should not rely on computer programs to do this supervision for us.

The problem really isn't that you forgot to turn on the parental controls. The problem is that a 7 year-old had an electronic device with internet access in her room at night. Make it standard procedure that when your kids are on the internet, they are in common areas of the house, and don't rely solely on computer parental controls to do this supervision for you. In our family, electronic devices don't reside in young children's rooms and especially not overnight.

I don't think she should be punished for this. This was a situation that was left wide-open for her to walk into. Use it as a learning opportunity and go from there.

I'm sure she will be fine. Just be prepared to answer her questions if she has any going forward.

J. F.

My daughter has had her iPod since she was 4 and we have never had this problem. I don't keep strict controls on the iPod or iPad and she has always behaved using them.

There have been times when I can hear weird stuff she is watching on YouTube (usually Stampy Long Nose being silly), but she will always show me and only once did she come across something I felt was inappropriate (tickling with people being tied up). She knows she will lose her privileges to use them if see that again and she will ask if she's not sure.

I realize that there is so much out in the world so I feel its best for her dad and I to explain the good, the bad and the ugly truth about our world and society.

She had the IPod when and where she shouldn't have, so that does need to be addressed.

She saw some things you were hoping wouldn't happen until she was older, but I'm not sure that's really something she did "wrong." I think it's very normal for children to be curious, and 7 years is much to young to expect her to have that internal filter. That's exactly the reason you have the restrictions - because it is asking too much of her to do that on her own. It's just not age appropriate.

This is not what you wanted, but it is an opportunity. Talk to her about what she saw. This is a chance for you to show her that she can talk to you about anything! She needs to know that. She can come to you about anything at all, and you will be open to talking to her. This will be huge as she gets older.

But if you punish her for seeing what she saw, you might close that door, or at least make it really hard for her to trust you when she does have questions. Keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that she can come to you no matter what.

tell her that you made a huge mistake as parents allowing her to have access to the internet. Put her device on airplane mode, have a few fun programs for her- no internet! Then discuss that we need to guard our hearts and minds.

My kids are 7 and 4. There is no unsupervised youtube and there is certainly no internet use in their rooms on any device whatsoever. Thank you for posting this. It only affirms my reasons for keeping my kids off the internet. Yes kids are curious. Normal, but all the more reason not to give them access. They have to thumb through National Geographic like we did! (don't we wish!)

Christy Lee, if I could give you all of the flowers from our Rose Parade floats for your answer, it would totally happen. If I win the lottery, watch out... AtHomeMomma--- re-read her answer. This isn't something we need to over-react to, instead, this is a wonderful moment to teach our kids our own values. Ultimately, all we can do is to guide them, give them good direction and make our own good judgments as to which sorts of privileges they are ready for. My son is nearly eight-- he gets to use the computer in my presence, in the kitchen. Parental restrictions are no substitute for being present and talking to them about what they see. You'd rather they learn it from you than from the kids at school....

Not sure what to say as something similar happened with us via my daughter's friend. It's upsetting but I saw things I shouldn't have at young ages and while someone said she can't IMAGINE her kids doing this etc, my parents had no idea some of the stuff I did and still don't to this day. I was a very very well behaved, studious kid who in no way grew up quickly. So many parents might not realize what their kids have seen. Don't stress too much. I grew up fine. It's not really clear to kids what they're seeing so I don't think they then carry it around with them and focus on it unless you do.

im sorry-but i think its time to put the i pod on the shelf and let her be a 7 yr old kid.i myself think its simply redunkulous that all these things are being shoved at young kids taking away their freedom as a kid-i raised 2 without-computers,cell phones,i pods etc etc etc.and guess what? their just fine-oh what did they do? you askl? well they actually played outside with their friends,used their imaginations while playing-their in their 30,s now and all up to speed on the gadgets..let these kids be kids-put away the gadgets,pull out the dolls,cartoons and friends..they have their whole lives ahead of them for gadgets...

she's on the young side for an 'internal filter.'
you do bear some responsibility for not turning the locks back on, but she KNEW she was being naughty for having the ipod when she wasn't supposed to, and it sounds as if she was also pretty clear that the content she was viewing was inappropriate.
and now that's she's opened the door to this particular conversation, walk right through it.
i see two distinct conversations here. one is using electronics (or anything else) in the times and places and manners that you permit. so in my house that would incur a loss of privileges for a week or so, and it would include the tv. but i'd be very clear that this was for using the device, not for what she saw there.
and that conversation (which would probably take place separately) would be much more open, and about asking her thoughtful questions and allowing her to respond than laying down the law as in the first conversation. my goal would be to try to impart to her the reasons that those images are inappropriate and why you want them blocked, and i'd be careful not to shame her for her curiosity. and i'd encourage discussion and further questions.
so for me it would be frowny disapproval on the one, and open encouragement and discussion on the other.
khairete
S.

I agree to address the having the ipod when she should not have. I can't find it now, but I think it was on abcya.com that my daughter found a video that reminded kids the 5 rules of using a computer, which included talking to an adult when they came across something that wasn't appropriate. I think at her age, I would turn the ipod's access to the internet OFF and leave it off. If something required her to be online, then that app couldn't be used. I would also look into filtering from the router level, so that the filter was not dependent on the device. We did that after my then 12 yr old SS got through NetNanny (good ol' Google Images....).

Secondarily, I also agree to discuss values and morals and appropriateness with her as things come up. Just today DH had a discussion with DD about how "@$$" is not an appropriate word for a 6 yr old to say, what it means, and how it's rude. (Heard something on TV described as "bad@$$"). You can also take this time to get her thoughts and feelings on it, and I would not necessarily punish her for being curious, because you want her to be able to come to you with all her questions, and to talk to you when she gets into situations that are over her head. When DH had a man to man talk with SS, he explained that nudity in itself was not the issue (hello, art museum) but how women were depicted in those pictures, and how it didn't fit how DH wanted SS to view women, or sex.

Basically, I would take this as a wake up that my child is not ready for unfettered internet access, anywhere, and that the ipad is not something she can use appropriately. And that she needs to know more about how to use the internet appropriately. One of the reasons we always kept the computers the kids used in a public space was so that we knew where they were and they knew we would be checking browser history and being sent updates from the router filter.

Currently our 6 yr old uses my computer when I am with her for specific sites like raz-kids and abcya and starfall. We only watch YouTube videos when I am there to click on them, since too many will make inappropriate suggestions after the video closes. It's tough out there.

I wouldn't go overboard in your "talk" because then she will know it's
something to look at.
She's of a young age. She stumbled upon something & was curious.
I would talk to her about why you hold the iPod as there are adult things
and some things are not only inappropriate but very weird..even for
adults.
Tell her the internet is a big place & that's why we all have to make good choices.
If you make it a big deal, you will make it appealing it.
Better to down play it a little so it loses some allure & keep the iPod
locked & up so you can go back to monitoring it's usage.

I suggest that you've said enough if you've talkyd with her about Internet safety, your beliefs and right and wrong choices as suggested by JustNeedSomePrivacy. I agree that you want this to be a learning experience and not a cause for punishment. If you make seeing these images a big deal I suggest that you would be giving images something to see more of because it's forbidden. I would stay away from making the images inappropiate. I would focus my attention on them being inappropiate for children to see. Leave the door open so she can ask questions.

I would not punish her for having the iPad in her room because doing so confuses the issues of what is appropriate and what is not. You want your message to be about Internet safety and making good choices. what is important is that she learns from this experience.

How would a 7yo have acquired an inner filter? We develop an inner filter through experience and what we learn from people we trust. At 7 she has had no experience with sexuality. She doesn't even know what it is. The message is more clear at this age when we discuss what is appropriate for children and the images she saw are only for adults. I suggest you not make the images bad. They are inappropiate for a child.

I suggest that the less you focus on what she saw the more quickly she is going to forget it. You can't unsee those images but you can talk in a way that teaches about what is appropriate. You can ask her to come to you whenever she sees anything inappropiate. Give her other examples of inappropiate things such as violence and swear words.

She knew the rules about the ipad, even having the blocks. She broke the rules. She was hiding under the covers with it, even being alone in her room because she knew what she was doing was wrong, mom.

You do need to discuss what she saw. BUT... you need to take the ipad away from her for at least a month. She needs a consequence for her behavior.

When you give something like this to a child, there is responsibility attached to them having it. If you don't give a REAL consequence for breaking the rules, she will have no reason to behave from here on out. What happens when she's at a friend's house who doesn't have parental blocks? If you have given her no consequence, she will start showing her friend things she has seen. If you've taken her ipad away for long enough that she really regrets breaking the rules, she might stop and think before making the mistake. Her consequences should be even more stringent when she's away from home.

Good luck navigating this. I hope you don't just take the easy way out. Sometimes it's hard to discipline our kids, but they need it, mom.

If you want to punish her do so for having the iPad when she knew that she shouldn't. I wouldn't dwell on what she saw. If you talked to her leave it at that. You can mention that somethings aren't appropriate for kids her age. That's what I tell my daughter. As for unseeing what she saw she will do just fine. My cousin and I saw our first playboy that my Uncle left on the coffee table when we were 5 or 6 and we turned out ok.

Personally, I wouldn't say too much more. It sounds like you already talked to her about Internet safety, your beliefs, and right and wrong choices.

Perhaps the conversation will come up again when she asks you why the ladies didn't have their pants on, in which you can use that opportunity to discuss that not everyone makes good choices.

Our little one is 9 and this last Christmas break she learned what a stripper was at the YMCA. Two other children were having a conversation and my daughter was present and she got to find out that some girls get themselves in bad situations and think that is the right thing to do because they listen to the wrong people. We left it at that and she hasn't brought it up for 2 months.