5 y.o. Bedtime Anxiety- Help!!

Updated on February 26, 2013
K.L. asks from Cleveland, OH
8 answers

My 5 year old son has always gone to bed on his own, with the usual bedtime routine of bath, reading books, prayer, kisses and good nights, no problem. In December, we watched a movie that was not scary in itself, but there was brief part where the kids in the movie were supposed to be watching a cartoon and slipped in a scary movie instead (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Dog Days, anyone remember the part with the "The Foot?") I definitely learned my lesson about screening movies before the kids watch them!! Anyway, my son was terrified of that 20 second clip, and immediately starting being fearful about EVERYTHING. He would not stay in a room by himself, would not go the bathroom without someone standing at the door, basically had to have one of us in his eyesight at all times. At bedtime, he would not go to sleep, would not even lay down without one of us laying with him. At the time, we laid with him until he fell asleep, because we knew he was truly scared and anxious. Over the past month, we have tried to back away from that practice because of the toll it was taking on us. We started by setting a timer and saying we would lay with him for certain amounts of time, those amounts getting smaller and smaller. That transitioned into us sitting out in the hallway where he could see us until he fell asleep. That was going ok, but over the past week, he has started really struggling again. He lays there and thinks he hears noises, sees shadows, etc. He cries and tries to get out of bed, tries to negotiate with use, begs us to lay with him, etc. This has gone on for up to 2 hours. We always think he will be exhausted from the night before and just fall asleep, but he seems so anxious he just gets very worked up. I feel so badly that he is feeling so scared and anxious, but do not want to get back in the habit of laying with him until he falls asleep, as we have worked so hard and been consistent thus far. We have offered stuffed animals, night lights, and he does have sound machine. And, yes, we have also tried bribery (if you go to sleep without crying, you get...) It might work for a day or two but not consistently. Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions would be very, very much appreciated to relieve the little guy's. He gets up at 6:30 for school, so staying up until 9:30 some nights is really not good for him. Thanks so much!!!

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S.G.

answers from Grand Forks on

I'm for empowering him. If he were afraid of monsters I would recommend getting every educational book and video about monsters you can get you hands on and teaching him that they are not real. Like Michelle said, go back to the movie, watch it with him, let him ask questions, explain it to him. Honestly, if you had screened that movie ahead of time, would you have even thought there was anything scary about it? I saw it and I wouldn't have. I think maybe he likes the attention he is getting for being scared.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

The fact is he was doing better but now he wants you in there again. Have you tried telling him that he is fine and he is big boy and he can do this since he has done it before and finally this is enough of this behavior. It seems to me that there is a huge payoff for him to act like this. He gets you to comfort him. I personally think you would be doing him a favor by not tolerating this behavior. The fact that bribery works for a day or two says to me that he is playing you and is not truly frightened. Of course you know your child and I do not but if he were my child I think I would try a little tough love for his benefit. Good luck!

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Maybe try and go back to the source---the movie.

Try to teach him the difference between real and make believe. Maybe you can tell eachother stories or write/draw pictures first of a true story and then a made up story. Maybe this will help him to see the difference between real and make believe.

Try to empower him, not protect him for the scary thoughts. That just gives the pretend thoughts more power and validity and reinforces his fears.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

We do a monster check of the room before bed. My daughter has a reading light, so my son, and then my daughter, check the room for monsters. We also started leaving the hall light on. And we have a monster whistle that vanishes all monsters.

I think this is a developmental phase in this age group.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

If he's afraid he's not even processing thoughts in his main brain area, it's more in the brain stem area. So anything you do except make him feel totally secure is not going to do anything but make this stress more ingrained in him.

I would simply lay down with him and get his body back in the habit of going to bed on his own. He'll adjust and forget one day that he's afraid. But as long as he's having fear issues he's reverted back to a lower brain function sort of thing.

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K.W.

answers from Cleveland on

We had the exact same problem after my 5 year old son watched "Finding Bigfoot" on Animal Planet! We have ended up leaving the light on in his bedroom, which believe it or not, he can fall asleep (I can't sleep with the light on!), and leaving his door wide open with the hallway light also on. We also let him sit or lay in bed and read books to himself if he wants, to help him get sleepy and take his mind off of "things." And we put on some music (an old lullaby cd that he loved as a baby, he doesn't seem to mind that it's "baby music"). All of this was explained as our "compromise" to being in the room with him, after explaining that he was a big boy who has been able to sleep on his own for some time now. It has worked remarkably well for us.

I should mention that there are nights he doesn't fall asleep until 9:45 or 10pm, and he gets up at 7:30. I saw Charles Fay from "Love and Logic" speak, and that's where I got some of these ideas. He says it's hard to force someone to sleep, that you should call it "bedroom time" not "bedtime" and let the kids get used to putting themselves to sleep. He feels that if they are staying up too late and therefore tired the next day, you can say something to the effect of "Are you tired? I know I feel tired when I stay up late too" but don't make the child feel bad or "I told you so" kind of thing. He feels they will learn that staying up late makes them feel bad the next day all on their own.

Like I said, these things worked for us. I wish you good luck!!

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A.A.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Sorry for your rough nights. I have 3children and have had similar problems through out the years. Try some sleepy time tea. It's all natural no caffeine. It has ca soothing effect. My youngest refused to go to sleep with out this. I also bought her a sleep mask. Tell him it is special tea it will keep the monsters away. The tea is made by Celestial Teas. Hope this helps!

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C.M.

answers from Chicago on

I agree, go back to the movie and try to target the source of his anxiety. Not necessarily watch it, but talk to him about it. Find out what scared him. Talk about real and make-believe. You might even want to learn how movies are made.

Until then, go back to laying with him. Too much anxiety. Don't even talk of transitioning out of it, he's not ready to give up his fear, and until he does, nothing you do will "transition" him out of it. Help him feel secure, that's the best thing.

One thing we did with my daughter is we let her sleep on the floor of our bedroom, provided that she was quiet and did not disturb us. She did it for a few weeks, then found it was uncomfortable and decided to sleep on her own again.

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