4 Year Old Is Aggressive with 16 Month Old

Please know that your baby girl is at an extremely impressionable age. Her experiences in the first five years of life literally shape the person she becomes and have quite an effect on her personality and self-image. The behavior of that boy is not healthy for her. For one, it could cause your daughter to develop agressive tendencies herself (regardless of your calm interactions with her), but more importantly it could teach her that people will be agressive with her and she may ultimately seek out those characteristics (think future boyfriends/husbands). Your first responsibility is to your daughter, and her situation right now could have lasting impact on her life. I would change it immediately.
Best of luck to you, sounds like you are an excellent mother.

PS: I just saw your added note ~ if the boy was yours, immediate and consistent discipline and a zero tolerance for any kind of agressive/violent/mean behavior. My three kids learned very early on that hitting, "growling" or any other form of agressive behavior was absolutely not tolerated and resulted in them being removed from the situation. I have the occasional issue with "he pushed me..etc" but now all it takes is a reminder and they are back on track.

Consistency is very important. I would not leave your daughter alone with him! At that age he is probably looking for a reaction from whoever else is in the room. My daughter would look for attention in thoes ways when she was younger. She is now 5 and can play with my 8 month old son with out constant supervision. We consistently praised good behavior with them together and redirected her (mostly to outdoor play) when she was getting rough.

Please just don't leave your daughter alone with him!

Hi J.,

When children do things like that, it's often a "repeat" of what has been done to them , or something they've witnessed. Either way, the little boy is repeating a behavior to someone who cannot hurt him..... your daughter.

My husband and I used to share a large home with another couple and their very young daughter. But when I got pregnant....it was definitely time to move!

I know that times are tough, but moving into your own home/apartment would be the best thing for you and your family. I recommend doing it as soon as you are able.

Good Luck.

~N. :O)

If the four year old chold were yours you'd have more options for discipline, such as being consistent. He is not your child and therfore its sounds as if your best option is to move out if his parents will not assist you.

Imagine what would happen if one day he did knock her down, and hurt her. The friendship would most likely be ruined, and so on. If his parents are not consistent and it is putting YOUR child at risk, it is time to move.

Consistency is key. You say that T.O.'s are not given every time. Change that to make sure he knows it is never acceptable to hit/kick anyone else!

4 yr olds are typically trying to figure out their own bodies: strength, range of motion and what they can do. Now that the weather is getting nicer, play kickball with him - outside! Give him a ball and bat (they have little ones where you can place the ball on top of a post and it is attached by a string) so that he can practice hitting it over and over. You can even get a small, inflatable punching bag (remember those clown bags we had as kids that kept bouncing back up?) Teach him to throw a frisbee or ball...

Let him use his body in appropriate ways so he can continue to learn about his capabilities. Once he understands that aggression towards people/animals is not ok, And he has appropriate physical outlets, things will improve dramatically!

J.,

I suggest you move as soon as you can. Until then, keep a close eye on your baby and be consistent with keeping a closer eye on the four year old...he sounds like he might be developing into a little bully. If someone doesn't help him it will just get worse.

Blessings.....

Hi, J.. I'm a behaviorist that works with all sorts of behaviors much like supernannny. :) I think the other mommies are right about thinking about moving. However, if this is not a practical solution for you at the time, then you do have to think of some techniques to improve the situation of aggressive behaviors toward your little one. So you said you are spending a lot of time with this boy--that's great! Time outs are useful but in this case, ineffective? behaviors always fall under one or more of the 4 categories--doing it for attention, to escape, to get access to, or for self stimulation. He seems to be doing this for attention? have you tried modeling for him HOW to be a good "older brother" kind of figure and giving him tons of praise for it? sometimes we forget to praise kids for the positive behavior and forget to be very specific in our praises. Play with BOTH of the children and praise him for being good. after time outs, make sure he apologizes, (2) tells you WHY he is sorry. and if time outs are not working, you need to use something else. make a "good behavior" chart for play time specifically. each time he plays well together, you give him a sticker. when he reaches a certain number, he can have alone time with you (or whatever he likes). when he engages in aggressive behavior, he loses stickers. something along that line. it's a lot of work, but worth is all in the end and more importantly, effective and positive. Hope that helps....C.

No, you are not overprotective. Sounds like YOU are doing everything right, however I'm not so sure if HIS parents are. Do THEY spend any time with him? No amount of attention you give him will matter if his own parents aren't giving him attention. Usually a kid who is doing that kind of behavior needs attention.

And I gotta agree with the others -- might be time to move out. Is it possible the other mom is letting you do her parenting for her?

In my experience the time outs don't really work. We tried time outs intially, even though I have heard some experts point out that separating/secluding the child can excarbate behavior and/or make the child feel ashamed/isolated. I ten to agree with this, at this point, it has never been very effective for my children. I have an almost 5 y/o & an almost 3 y/o. When the younger one was born the older child was very aggressive. This was the case even though she had not been exposed to much tv and also had not been spanked. So, basically, kids can be aggressive even without exposure to aggression. My 4 (almost 5) would knock her sister down, hit her, and even bite sometimes. Basically, she did not have the words to express herself when upset. Not that she wasn't very verbal for a 2 y/o, but 2 & 3 y/o's can still have difficulty using their words when upset (no matter how much we might ask them to). What we did is basically what you stated as your best option. We made sure that someone in the household was always watching them. It took a couple of years before my older child developed the patience and sympathy to be less aggressive, and we could leave them alone in the next room. What worked best was modeling empathy for the other child. Also, having her (not forcing, but verbally & consistently encouraging)her to apologize and show empathy (ex. hug)the younger sibling. We also praised her when she showed empathy and pointed out the other child's positive response. We also pointed out any the hesitation that it caused in the other child's trust to her & how quickly the other child would forgive her. Basically, giving attention to the child who was hit helps the aggressor realize they are not going to get the attention they crave by acting out. It is important not to get too angry with the aggressive child. He/she will see soon enough that they are not getting the attention they want, but can get it when they show empathy rather than acting out. I also have two adult daughters, but they were never like this- this behavior/aggresion initially shocked and frightened me. I was concerned about her lack of empathy, but what I have learned is that she was able to learn empathy, by modeling. I guess we are not all born with empathy, but it can be developed. Her empathy has become very genuine and the little one loves to play with her. Anyway, I hope this info helps & good luck. R., MSW, LCSW (mom of 4 & stepmom of 2)

Sometimes getting right up in the face is a way to show great emotion. My daughter does that to her brother, (not in a mean way at all) and kinda shakes her face while doing the nonsense talk. I think in her case she is overrun with emotion and is trying to express her self. At this age they don't understand the feelings they are feeling. She is not mean to him so it might be something different, but he might just not know how to express how he is feeling.
Have the other mother do the discipline for her child. Talk to her about how it is not ok for him to do that. ONCE SHE IS ON THE SAME PAGE, I would pick up the boy and move him out of your child's face and say "she doesn't like screaming" and place him in front of his mother, then she can discipline him herself. Every time he does it move him and protect your daughter. If he still does it go into your bedroom or someplace that he isn't allowed.

Dear J.,
I saw your post early this morning and put off responding.
Then I saw your added comment.
I know that many people co-habitate for financial reasons and there is nothing wrong with that, but you asked, "What if the little boy were mine?"
Unless I've missed something, the little boy isn't yours and it's not your responsibility to raise him.
Your responsibility is making sure your own baby is safe.
If the only person in the household that is responsible for seeing to this is you, then for the sake of your own child, you need to get busy setting limits.
Teach the boy the meaning of the word "gentle".
If he can't be gentle in voice, proximity, behavior, then he cannot be around the baby. Period.
I could be wrong, but I would guess he's been coddled too much by all parties concerned. Inappropriate is innapropriate. You have a little one who has no tools to figure out why someone bigger is getting in her face and being agressive.
If your living arrangement lends itself to you thinking you have to take responsibility for the actions of another child toward your own baby, then I would make sure he (and the parents) understand that no agression will be tolerated. That's your rule and you will stand by it.
To answer your question, NO. It should be no different if the boy was your own child as far as limits are concerned. Babies are pretty defenseless.
I hope you get this worked out, regardless of how much you love the boy. You can't keep exposing your own child to it.

Well J.,
First of all, if you and the other parents can't get in sync with the discipline and the care of this 4 year old, then it is time to move, like everyone else has expressed. It may create hard feelings, but which is more important...the safety of your baby or the feelings of the other parents? No contest, if you ask me. If moving is not an option for whatever reason, then you need to sit down with his parents and have a long heart to heart about his behavior and what they are going to do about it. Time outs obviously are not working. A star chart may work for the first day or two, but from the sound of it, he's a pretty strong willed kid, so I doubt that would work for long. Sounds like he needs some good old-fashioned spankings...consistently.

Well, it goes without saying that if you want to correct this behavior, you and his parents are going to have to be consistent with the discipline. My granddaughter did the same thing to my granddaughter as far as trying to be sneaky and getting away with unacceptable behavior. One of the things I did was to call her on it each and every time and let her know that she didn't get away with it. That really bothered her since she doesn't like her bad behavior to be called to attention. Also, if I saw him doing that to my child, I would do the same to him when I put him in timeout, i.e., get in his face, grit your teeth and speak in a mean tone and then tell him how do you like it? She doesn't like it any more than you do! Whatever you do to her, will be done to you (except hitting, kicking). That way they learn a bit of compassion - put themselves in someone else's shoes. Good luck!

You have gotten some great responses. I think the difference with your situation is that you aren't his mother and it's hard to discipline another parent's child. You sound hesitant to lay down the law with him so I think that your hesitation is based on that dynamic. I guess if I was in your situation I'd talk to the other parents and perhaps restrict the little boy from being around your child and get the OK from the parents to discipline him hard and fast when he does that in your face behavior. I think you should also forget about trying to convince the little boy of how he should act. This is a time for zero tolerance. He must stop his behavior - period. There is a liberal train of thought that you need to explain to a child why they should behave, etc but I think it's naive to think that a 4 year old boy will cooperate if he realizes he's scaring your child. You need to be the parent and set strong limits. Good-luck!

If his parents have not responded after you have told them he tries to kick your child and knock her down, then it's time for a new living situation. You say this little boy hasn't seriously hurt your baby yet---well what are you waiting for? Are you going to tolerate him until your child is seriously hurt?

Why should you have to give someone else's child a "time out?" Your job is to protect your baby, not to discipline someone else's kid. It's pretty hard to overprotect an infant. Until your daughter is in a safe living situation, I would quit worrying about being "too harsh," and take the 4 year old by the scruff of the neck and put him out of your part of the house--- for good. Don't be so damn "laid back" that you fall over.