3 Year Old Back Talking

I have three year old twins and sometimes they do talk back, but when they do it's yelling. I feel a little responsible for it because I live with my mother and when she makes me mad we just go at it like dogs barking like crazy. So for me I have to learn to stop yelling because I can't tell my kids to stop yelling at me when I'm doing the exact same thing.

IMHO, if you don't get this under control now, it will progressively get worse until he's cursing you when he's a teen.

I believe that what you should do is the very next time he backtalks you, stop what you are doing immediately. Get down to his level, look him directly in the eyes and tell him very sternly that that is not acceptable behavior and that when you tell him to do something, "yes, mommy" is the ONLY acceptable response. Make sure he understands you.

Then the very next time he backtalks, stop what you're doing, look directly at him and tell him "Excuse me. I'm sure I did not hear you correctly. What is the acceptable response?" Do that every time until it becomes a HABIT for him to reply "yes, mommy" and then move directly to what you've told him to do.

I did this with my 5 year old GD who is, apparently, used to backtalking her mom and dad. I don't put up with it and now the only response I EVER get is "yes grandma." And then she does what she is told. Mommy and daddy are incredulous that I get that response, but it's how I've taught her to deal with me - with total respect.

3 is an age where they are really finding out that they are separate people. Backtalking isn't good, but step back and see if it's backtalking or just him trying to be HIM and not mommy. Communication is tough at this age. They are really seeing that they don't have control over much in their lives. Check out Love and Logic (website, books) - they may be helpful in getting through this.

ADD: I think I'm going to add Cheryl B's stuff to my empathizing. My kiddo cooperates pretty well and responds to empathy, but I want to balance my "softie" approach (my response to my WAY too autocratic, screamy parent).

Depends on what he is back talking about. You can teach him a better way to use his words and to make requests or adjustments.

Children need to feel like they have a little control at times. Not EVERYTHING can be a negotiation, but sometimes, at least giving a heads up, lets the child have a small transition. They also like being praised for doing things when asked.

This will also be a way to remind them, "This time we will have to do this right now. Next time maybe you can play longer. "

I Taught our daughter, to answer politely. "Yes, ma'am". Or "may I have 1 more minute?"

At a meal time..
"It is bad manners to say food is yucky."
"Instead we say, no thank you."
"It hurts my feelings that I cooked this just for you and you will not just try it?"
"I wish you would be a Brave taster and just try this."
" I understand you are afraid you will not like this, but I used to be afraid of some foods, but they are really good."

"I like how you tried that fish!"
"Wow, you are a brave taster."

Transitions help. I also gave our child a heads up.
"In 5 minutes, you will need to start putting your toys in the box".

"In 5 minutes we will be leaving this party, go and play one more time on the swings."
"I liked how you did not whine when it was time to leave."

"I really need you to be my big helper, and put on your coat." "Thank you, I like when you put your own coat on."

I made sure to help her also explain why she did not want to do something, so she could communicate her needs. I also taught her some solutions and options.

"I can tell you are really enjoying coloring, but we need to start getting ready now. "How about you finish your coloring when we get home?" Or
"How about we take this picture and your colors to the restaurant and you can finish it?"

It will give him the proper language to explain what he is dealing with, so that he does not just answer with no.

It will feel strange at first, but then it becomes your normal, eventually, you will not have to have all of this conversation, but right now he is still learning how to behave, how to listen and how he needs to respond. He is only 3. He still has a lot to learn about behaviors and proper language to match his feelings.

Kids this age, do not come with automatic inherent inborn skills or aptitude for how to manage.. emotions or frustrations.
It is taught.
Thus, a child needs to be guided and taught, through this.
ALL kids, go through age related phases of behavior and communication levels or ability.
EVEN babies, do. But babies don't know vocabulary or communication skills and their emotions are not even fully developed yet. Thus, babies scream or cry, in order to express communication.

So, you need to take this, in relation to a child's age and development. Then from there, guide and teach a child.
Not expecting, that a child AUTOMATICALLY knows how... to manage emotions or communication. They don't even know how to fully handle tones of voice and 3 year olds don't even have a full sophisticated vocabulary yet either. They may not even know, the "names" for all the various abstract emotions yet.
So, it needs to be taught to them. And role play, and guide the child.
It is more than just teaching right/wrong, and punishing for it.

Some adults, don't even know how to manage their emotions or frustrations or anger.
So a 3 year old, needs to be looked at, as an individual that is still learning. And the expectations upon them, should be PER their age and development.
If an adult gets angry and frustrated and can't handle their expression of it, then we all can't expect a 3 year old to be perfect in it.
3 year olds, also do not automatically KNOW coping-skills either.
They need to be guided and taught about it.
So that, in time.... as they get older, they will accrue more skills for it.
SO... start NOW and teach and guide your child.
I began teaching my kids about these things, since they were 2 years old.
And so, by the time they started Kindergarten, they were then more adept at it, and knew themselves, and were then better and managing...themselves.

It is not only Teenagers that "backtalk."
Even adults do.
Even elderly do.
Even college kids do.
Even Wives do.
Even Husbands do.
Even Moms do.

Cheryl's response is excellent. I would definitely use her technique.

You do not want to give your son attention for this behavior, and even if you are angry with him -- that is still "negative attention." Far better to make everything come to a halt, get on his level instantly, and say firmly as Cheryl notes that what he said is unacceptable. The sentence, "I did not understand what you said. Please say it in an acceptable way." Then WAIT. Looking right into his face.

If he keeps it up-- withdraw your attention. Coolly say, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you when you talk like that." And walk out of the room! Eventually he will follow you and either be more upset (continue to ignore him!) or will start to say "Sorry, mommy" and THEN he can have attention.

You do not indicate what other signs of bad temper he shows and it's hard to advise without details, but please consider books by Jo Frost, the former TV "supernanny." She has very good techniques for using time outs. They must be very consistent; in a totally boring place (never, ever the child's room or a playroom or even in sight of anything fun); and very firmly enforced -- if the child gets up during time out the parent returns the child to time out even if it takes five, 10, 20 times of returning. And most of all the parent has to be calm while doing this -- it's tough. But it can work. Please consider checking it out.

One very important thing -- is he learning the back talk or temper somewhere? Do you have a short fuse and he overhears you talking to others sharply; does his dad or other adult male in his life have a short fuse or curse or backtalk; does he have an older sibling or cousin or caregiver or day care provider where he might be picking up the idea of backtalk? Something to consider -- and to nip in the bud. Go observe at his day care if he's in day care, or ask his preschool teacher (if he's in preschool) about his behaviors there lately.

Search Mamapedia for answers about three yr olds. This is sometimes called the first adolescence. It mirrors what the second will be. You need a disapline style and consistency. Check out the book, Love and Logic and apply it. Either you are in control or he is but you need some techniques so you don't go crazy and he is taught better ways of acting without using violence.

Your 5 year old is out of control in kindergarten and your 3 year old has recently started backtalking......

hmmmm. what has changed in their home life? What is new? What might be going on?

This is no coincidence. I suggest you look at the past 3-6 months to determine what is affecting their behavior so radically.

Good luck.

When I had my kids in preschool i took a very very great discipline class. It was positive discipline and we were required to read the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation "
http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Love-Difficult-Discipline-Coop...

Here is what I took away from the class for how to deal with my three year old getting angry.
1. Parents often deny their children's anger, and deny their children the ability to express it. Instead of letting the child feel angry about something, they often say "Don't you stomp your foot young man:" or "Don't you throw that pillow, miss." This is unnatural and healthy. You cannot simply MAKE your child stop feeling an emotion. You CAN direct them HOW to deal with their anger, and this is how they will grow up and know how to deal with anger.
2. Respect that your child has feelings. Think of how YOU deal with anger. Do you just wish it away? (impossible!) Do you go to the gym? Eat? Bake? write a letter? YELL? punch ? kick? throw?
3. GIVE YOUR CHILD SOMETHING HE CAN DO when he is angry. We were told:
a. Give them 3 things they can DO with their bodies when they are angry. (That you will not get mad at them for or chastise them for when they do it)
In my house we chose that they can STOMP their foot, CROSS THEIR arms, Make a MEANIE face, Throw themselves on the couch and kick it out for the count of ten, to ten karate kicks and ten karate chops (to the air!), go outside and yell AHHHHHHHHHHH at the top of their lungs for 10 seconds, or cry.
b. Give them 2 things they can SAY when they are angry (that you will not punish them/chastise them or yell at them for and that they can say loudly if they need) for example at my house they can say " I AM SO MAD AT YOU" or "I FEEL REALLY ANGRY" or "YOU MAKE ME MAD" or " I AM SO FRUSTRATED AT _______" or "I NEED YOU TO HUG ME RIGHT NOW, I FEEL MAD!"
c. Give them ONE place they can go when they feel angry so they an calm themselves down and they can come out when they feel better. (We chose her bed- and we did NOT do it as a punishment. You cannot do this as a punishment, so if you often send them to bed as a punishment, this might not be a good place) but you have to have this WHOLE conversation with them before the next time they get mad if you can. :) You can ask him/her "where is a place in the house that you feel the happiest or safest? Next time you get mad, you can go there and you can sit there til you can calm yourself and feel better and when you come out I know you are ready for a hug." It could be your bed or her bed, or under a table, or where the dog is, or in a chair near a window....
This stuff only really works if the kids KNOW beforehand what they can do. You can make a chart together that has the 3, 2, 1 things and pictures of those things (you can make it fun and take pictures of him DOING those things) so he can refer to the chart and remember what he can say and do and where to go...
we cannot stifle their anger, we can only redirect it.

As far as the backtalking? we straightened that out pretty fast with a half teaspoon of cider vinegar. She learned quickly! Dont make empty threats - follow through. Have the conversation before he talks back. "Honey, you are a sweet boy, but you do not act sweet when you talk back to me, (then describe some of the things he does that is talking back. "When you say NO to me that is talking back. When you say mean names, that is talking back. I don't like it and it is not polite for a nice boy like you. The next time you talk back we are going to start washing that talking-back right out of your mouth with a little cider vinegar. It is sour- so please do not talk back again because if I have to hold you tight to give it to you, I will. This talking back stops now. You are a big boy- if you are frustrated, you can do any of the things above that we talked about when you get mad."

Hi, J.:

Tell me what how it starts.

Thanks.
D.

You need to send him to his room when he talks like this. He loses privileges and has to apologize.

Handle it now so that you aren't having it for the rest of your life.

Dawn