So here is what my daughter told me today after school, from her perspective:
At recess the kids were playing a chasing game in which the boys chased the girls around outside. The boys were dogs and the girls were cats and my daughter and her friends have been having fun with this game since school started. My daughter, "Kim" (our neighbor who is also in 2nd grade, but not the same class), "Amber" and several other girls were being chased by a certain boy. Apparently Kim likes this particular boy and yelled at Amber that she was "ruining her life" because the boy was chasing her either as well or more.
Kim went on to say that she likes this boy and if any of the girls in the group tell her secret she will beat them up. Well, this made Amber cry and the rest of the girls started chasing Kim around to make her apologize. Yes, ganging up on her.
To make matters worse, Kim is our neighbor and walking home I got enough of the situation in a couple minutes to know not to let the two talk or walk with each other. I had to almost literally hold my daughter back from continuing with this girl. My daughter says she needs to go to the neighbors house to stick up for her friend, which, of course, I did not let her go.
The girls have not gotten along for quite some time. Kim is known to be bossy and mean. My relationship with the mother is frosty at best. We just don't find common ground.
I've let my daughter know that ganging up on one girl is not acceptable, and if there is a threat of a fight or nasty words, then a teacher needs to be told. I told my daughter that while her intentions were good (sticking up for her friend) she needs to not play with Kim.
I have no intention to go to their home and discuss this.
What are your thoughts? The anxiety of these kinds of things keep me up at night, and the fact that it's our neighbor, who we don't connect with in the first place, makes it much worse.
Please share your elementary school drama! I will feel better :)
Ahhhh, I did loose sleep - and, yes, maybe therapy is in order. I realize, of course, that there are more important things to worry about and I'm blessed that I have no serious issues in my life, so I have the space to dwell here. But I must get over it. I see why they say people with no children live longer! Ha!
Thank you for all your answers!
This too shall pass. Please don't let this keep you up at night. This drama is pretty typical kid stuff and certainly not worthy of losing sleep over.
I dealt with this with the first half of last year (second grade)... I prayed that my daughter would not be in class with our "Kim" this year, but much to my dismay, she is. Unfortunately, and as much as it killed me, I learned that staying out of it is best. It caused my daughter WAY more anxiety when I tried to intervene, advise, etc. Now I let her tell me things that happened, ask how it made her feel, ask if there is anything she wants me to do for her and leave it at that. What I really want to say is "tell that little b*t** to go away!!!!!" but of course I keep those pleasant little thoughts in my own head. ;) My daughter is a major people pleaser and a magnet for bullies. It breeds hurt feelings and drama. I feel it will just get worse as she gets older but for now I work on building her up, teaching her to stand up to people and empowering her to make her own choices that are not mine, or her friends, but HERS alone. Then I go into my bedroom and pray for the future LOL
First, don't give this much more thought. I think everyone gave you great advice. "So, what do you think about that?" "How do you think that made her feel?" "What do you think you could do next time?" Try to reflect this back to her and let her figure out what *she* thinks.
You could also let your daughter know that "Kim" was mortified and to just give it a rest. No, she shouldn't have threatened the other girls, and the other girls shouldn't tease her. No one was right. Asserting an empathetic question or two into the statement might help. Or a story from your own life, so she can empathize with Kim through you? "You know, when I was in school, I still slept with a bear named Sam every night. I didn't want the other kids to know because it was my special thing, but one day, your uncle told some other kids..." Whatever that story is, if you can share it, do. Your words about how embarrassing some revelation was might help your girl to gain some understanding as to why Kim was so distressed.
Otherwise, just do the reflective listening and teach your girl to make smart decisions about who she spends her time with and why, and it's not a bad time to discuss *not* going along with the crowd when the crowd isn't making the best choice. Strong, independent thinking should be encouraged.
Then, let it go. If the mom comes over and says something, I'd just shrug my shoulders and say "yep, seven year old girl drama. Not my favorite thing either."
They are in second grade. This is just typical child play. It is not pretty it is not nice, so your job is to teach your daughter to say. "I do not like your words."
or
"If you do not like the way we play. maybe you should play with other kids."
"The anxiety of these kinds of things keep me up at night, and the fact that it's our neighbor, who we don't connect with in the first place, makes it much worse. " - If this statement is true. I suggest you meet with a therapist. This is too much energy to put into worry, Now that school has started, it is a good time to figure out some options for your stress.
I am sending you peace.
Ok so first of all I agree with previous posts that say we all really should not "think so hard" about little girl drama.
BUT, in the spirit of helping with your situation, here are my thoughts:
It seems like Kim effectively said to Amber "you'd better make sure that boy stops chasing you, but don't you dare tell him the reason why". (In other words, Amber is NOT supposed to say to the boy "it makes Kim angry/jealous when you chase me, because Kim likes you".)
Why did that make Amber cry? Is Amber afraid that Kim will assume Amber is going to reveal her secret, and so Kim will "beat up" Amber?
I'm not sure that Kim needs to "apologize to Amber". It sounds like Amber and Kim just need to talk and try to agree on "boundaries" regarding that one boy.
And I'm not sure how any of that involves your daughter!!
ETA: Kim certainly sounds like a bully for threatening to "beat up" others for any reason. But my point is that I don't think an apology from Kim (apologizing for threatening to beat people up?) is what's needed here.
I got the feeling you were mostly venting,
That was a horrid situation, i'm sorry for your dd.
here is my story, and because I am super busy at the moment I haven't dealt with it other than to listen to my son, might call the mom if I had more time but I dont'
Ds is going into 4th, neighbor boy Joe lives one street over and roams the neighborhood. he seems nice but he is one of the younger ones of a big blended family, Joe invited Jane to his house, my son and jane are great friends and have play dates usually twice a month, joe and jane walk past our house to see if ds is home, the 3 of them go to play at joes house, apparently as soon as they got there, joe decided he wanted jane to himself and ( politely) asked my son to leave. Ds did but I think was a bit hurt.
I know anytime there is a 3 some my ds is the one left out and it makes me crazy. but he still wants to play with Jane all the time and so does everybody else.
so no help but I can comiserate
I don't have girls, so I didn't have this drama. I do think that perhaps you should talk to the mom and tell her what is going on. Unless your relationship with her is frosty because of her daughter, she may want to know this. Tell her that you know she would want to know about her daughter's feelings, and would want to help her through this so that she doesn't lose friends. If you approach it this way, without a lot of passion, perhaps you will do some good. If the mom gets defensive, then you know that you need to deal with the school regarding the girl's behavior.
If the school doesn't work with her now, things will just get worse. It's not just about helping the kids around her not get bullied (including your daughter.) It's about helping the girl to learn how to deal with her emotions and how to treat people around her.
Um, hello, am I the only person responding to this that actually sees that this IS a problem?
These girls are acting like they are on a TV show that would be inappropriate for children to watch.
The reason you are having anxiety is probably because in your heart you know this type of behavior is unhealthy for young children. Normal for some kids in certain households, maybe. Appropriate? NO!
7 year old girls fighting over boys? Seriously?????
"Kim" threatening to beat up the other girls?
This is NOT okay.
God made you a parent and you NEED to parent your child and teach them right from wrong.
I am sorry, but I don't agree with the kids will be kids mentality, this is just the world we live in, don't be a helicopter mom, etc., etc.
God put us on this earth to guide our children, not to let them figure everything out the hard way. This isn't Lord of the Flies.
Who would you rather have "teaching" your child about life? A bunch of other misled 7 year olds, or a L. parent who invests their time into teaching kindness and respect.
Do not just blow this off. You are up at night because you know this drama is WRONG. I would spend as much time as possible at your child's school, especially volunteering on the playground to see what is going on and help your daughter learn how to respond to difficult situations and make good choices. She won't just figure it out herself if grown moms need to come onto this website to ask for advice, lol!
You are not a helicopter mom. You are a L. parent :)
Ignore it. Tell them that they need to work it out like ladies, and that fighting will not be tolerated.
They'll be BFFs again next week. And the week after, they'll all hate one another. Etc., etc., et. al.
It's part of being a 7yo girl.
